Love or Honor?

“What I gave my daughter and her husband was abnormal” (she meant abnormally generous). She was also right according the standard definition of the word “abnormal” – you’ll see why soon.

“I gave them so much more than a mother gives a child or son-in-law – yet they don’t call me or visit me anymore. They don’t appreciate what I did for them. They are both cold and insensitive to my needs. I’m not a strong person; why don’t they show me more respect? My daughter says that I don’t have feelings for her anymore – she’s right – I’ve lost my love for her – but she and her husband started it – all I did was ask them to pay back the generous loan that I gave them. Her husband is the problem. They have money now, so why should I ruin my life? Why should I be poor? It’s so painful to see them speaking with his parents yet I’m left out. I feel judged by my daughter and my other three children too. Maybe I’m doing something to pull my daughter down – but I don’t know what. I’m a very good, generous and caring person. I know that I can’t control who they like, but this is agonizing for me. I realize that giving and helping people can’t make them love you – I’m at a loss.”

I asked this mother what she wanted most from her daughter. She said to have a close loving relationship. I said that if what she truly wanted most was a close loving relationship, then she should call her daughter right now and tell her so.  I told her to apologize to her daughter for the bad feelings toward her that she has been harboring in her heart for the past two years. Then her daughter would return to her and probably apologize as well for her part in the “fight.” I told her that what her daughter still needed from her was unconditional love.  I told her that if she was ready to put everything behind her including her need for honor and appreciation, that she certainly could have a loving relationship with her daughter once again.

But she wouldn’t hear of it: “I should apologize to her? She’s the one who should be apologizing to me! She has the mitzvah to honor me – she should be apologizing to me! – besides, what did I do to her that I should apologize?”

I saw that this woman’s need for honor was so strong that it completely eclipsed her ability to see the truth. Although she said that she wanted a loving relationship with her daughter, what she wanted much more was to be honored, respected and appreciated by her daughter and son-in-law. She could not see this consciously (by herself) since her need for honor outweighed her need for love. Her very strong need for honor made it impossible for her to see this.

The mother’s need for her daughter’s honor was a higher priority need for her than her need for her daughter’s love. The proof was that if it was love that she desired most, she would reach out lovingly, to her daughter right away even if her need to be honored was not met.  Also the way that this mother was expressing her love for her daughter was by giving her money and material possessions and then dominating her by demanding appreciation in return. The need for honor is often contradictory to the need for love. It is difficult to love a mother who is always demanding that you thank her for everything that she has done for you. This is why people who explicitly or implicitly demand respect and appreciation have such a hard time maintaining close relationships and often feel that they are not truly loved – and usually they are not.

This woman’s problem is not unique.  A person who is pursuing honor will make different decisions than a person who is pursuing love. The real cause for the conflicts that people suffer from, in their relationships, is due to the unproductive ways that they seek to meet their own needs and from their lack of understanding of the needs of the other person.

People have free choice. Once they can see what’s really going on between them and the other person, they can make a conscious decision to rearrange their priorities in a way that will fit with the needs of the other person who they want to have a closer relationship with. In a marital relationship, the need to meet all of a spouse’s needs must be as strong as the desire to meet your own needs.

It may not seem fair that in order to change a relationship you need to focus on the other’s needs over and above your own. But this is the quickest and most effective way of healing a relationship. In order to make it better you must have faith in Hashem. If you have faith, then you will have the strength to focus on giving, not on getting, and you will enjoy very joyful and loving relationships.