Motivating Children

Parents and teachers of small children must know that whatever they instill in them will remain with them the rest of their lives. They are raising the next great sages of Israel. The child's success and the success of the entire world is in their hands. Consequently, their patience and understanding will determine the future.

Imagine, Heaven-forbid, that a parent or teacher smothered the soul of the person who was destined to be the great of the coming generation!

A teacher or parent who makes a child feel special, elevating a possibly slumbering soul that will ultimately become a Torah leader, builds the Jewish People with his or her own hands.

The first years of a child's education are of utmost importance. When he starts out on the right foot, with understanding, merciful and encouraging teachers and parents, his chances of greatness are greatly enhanced. Ultimately, those who contribute to that child's education deserve the credit for the child's every success.

This is true not only of the beginning, but also the duration of the child's education. A good educator – whether parent or teacher – can take a soul and elevate it, turning the child into the greatest Torah sage of the generation. He knows how to breathe life, will and desire into the child.

The main thing is to instill a child with will. It is no great feat to categorize a child as problematic. It's easy to make speeches and prove that the child isn’t doing what he should be doing. Anybody can do that. But the wisdom of education is to know how to awaken will and desire in the pupil; how to give him the strength to change what is not right and the ability to accept challenges in learning and character development even when he doesn't believe in himself.

Every parent and teacher must know that even if he has shown the child his problem in the most precise manner, he hasn't given the child the will and strength to rectify the problem. Not only has he not helped him, he has even harmed him. He has proven that child is unsuccessful. Once the child's self-image is compromised, he focuses on the negative and loses faith in himself. Now, he'll have real difficulty making progress, for the "great educator" – the thoughtless parent or teacher – so skillfully showed the child his shortcomings.

Whenever a person feels that he is lacking something, he can be certain that what is really lacking is his will or desire. Be honest with yourself: How many chapters of Ethics of our Fathers do you know with the commentaries? And what percentage of those do you actually fulfill? The first law in the Shulchan Aruch  says that you must strengthen yourself like a lion to rise before the morning to serve your Creator…it is fitting for every person who fears Heaven to waken at midnight to mourn and lament the destruction of our Holy Temple. Do you do that? Why not? Does that make you a wicked person? Not at all. You are not wicked; you simply do not understand that it is not enough to know what is permissible or prohibited — what one should or should not do. A person has to build his own spiritual tools, will power and desire. This insight is central to the service of G-d and a foundation for educating children. One must awaken his will power. Once that is accomplished, it will be easy to do whatever the Torah dictates.

When parents or teachers see that a child has a problem – whether the child doesn't do his homework or doesn't listen in class – they must know how to stimulate the child's desire, in other words, properly motivating the child. They can accomplish this in a number of ways:

First, ignore what the child doesn't do — or do properly — and look at everything the child does do and where he does succeed. Focus on his positive points and compliment the child, praise and encourage him. This is a sure-fire way to awaken positive desires in the child and to motivate him. Once the child has faith in himself and he feels that his is a “winner” in a given area, he'll be able to strengthen his weaker points.

Second, tell the child stories of tzaddikim, our righteous luminaries. The teacher can tell true stories that highlight a point he wants to emphasize.

Telling the child a story about a tzaddik who merited a particular spiritual level as the result of hard work and dedication is always beneficial. For example, the Vilna Gaon was especially dedicated in doing homework and reviewing his lessons; unsurprisingly, he became a giant of Torah. Such stories fuel the child's imagination and stimulate his desire.

A third way to stimulate desire is to assign the child simple tasks at which he will surely succeed. For example, to learn one passage from the Torah by heart for tomorrow, and to tell the child that he will get a prize if he succeeds. When he does succeed, the educator should immediately encourage him: "Great! You did a great job! You really deserve this prize for your efforts."

Positive reinforcement is the way to stimulate the child's desire and to fortify his faith in himself. The teacher must stimulate his desire to succeed: "Tomorrow you will know two passages! I see that you have talent and desire…" In this way, the child himself will want to study more and more.

The main point is to build on success is stages. Start with simple tasks, making each accomplishment a celebration. This will stimulate the child's desire to succeed. The teacher can then say to him: "This is the gateway for your success. You have now opened it." And, if the child does not succeed in a particular task, the teacher must reassure him: "It's OK. There're plenty of things in life that I didn't succeed in doing the first time around. Let's try again. I am here to help you. I won't leave your side until we succeed." That's a teacher.

The methods we use to stimulate desire and motivate children are effective with adults too. Everything depends on desire. A person's success depends on his desire, and desire depends on one’s faith in oneself.