Petrified to Speak

Tzippi frequently feels a sense of panic in her relationships with family members. She feels that she has no choice and must always “give in” to what the other person wants. Just the idea of speaking up in her own defense fills her with overwhelming anxiety.

A person who is suffering from anxiety, depression or any other psychological symptom usually has knowledge about themselves that is very fragmented and disconnected.  Like most people, Tzippi could only tell me the fragmented parts of her life story but was unable to see how those parts fit together. Tzippi’s healing began when she became ready make sense out of a painful trauma from her past by understanding its connection to her current dilemma. 

Of note is that Tzippi’s parents were divorced when she was 11 years old. This was very painful for her because she identified more closely with her more “educated,” “open minded” father than with her mother and felt his loss deeply.

Client: (spoken in a disconnected, non-feeling manner) “I’ve spent most of my life walking in my sister’s shadow and now I’m petrified to speak up to her. She takes terrible advantage of me. Everybody does. But I have a life too. I also have children with needs. It makes my blood boil. Why is it always me who has to bend over backwards for her in every situation?”

Therapist: “What do you imagine would happen to you if you did speak up to your sister?”

Client: “I can’t even imagine it. I feel frozen right now even thinking about it. I would never be able to actually say anything to her. Meanwhile she always tells me how much she has sacrificed herself for me. It makes me want to scream!” (Spoke in a robot-like tone. She’s still trying to ward off her real feelings).

Therapist: “Can you tell me when it was in your past that you really felt that you wanted to scream?”

Client: (beginning to cry) “This is ridiculous. I can’t believe this. I was sure that I was over this. It’s just so stupid that I’m remembering this right now – but I don’t think it’s going to help.”

Therapist: “Whatever you’re remembering right now is definitely putting you in touch with your feelings and that’s good…you’re on to something important.”

Client: “But it happened so many years ago…and besides, my relationship with my mother has changed so completely since then.”

Therapist: “I’m sure that it has, but the feelings that are coming up for you now are not coming from your current relationship with your mother, they are coming from a much earlier time in your relationship with her.”

Client: (spoken slowly while crying) “I was 16 years old and my mother was hospitalized for three weeks. I was made to stay all alone in the house. I wasn’t a little girl anymore so I don’t know why it scared me so much but it did. I was petrified to be alone. I was in a panic. I don’t know why but none of my married brothers or sisters even offered to let me stay by them and my mother refused to let me stay at my father’s house. She told me that if I stayed with my father that I wouldn’t have a home to come back to. It was the worst time of my life. But what possible connection does it have to my life today?”

Therapist: “That’s what we’re trying to figure out. Can you tell me what you said to you mother back then when you were feeling so terribly frightened?”

Client: “Nothing. I was frozen. I could never speak to her.”

Therapist: “And why was that?”

Client: “Because if I would have complained my mother would have just exploded and I don’t know what I would have done. To speak up would just have made everything even worse…she would have screamed at me and told me that I was useless and ungrateful and that she was the one in the hospital and that she was always sacrificing herself for me. She would have also said terrible things about my father that I know were not true and I didn’t want to hear.”

Therapist: “So aren’t the origins of your fear in speaking up to your sister becoming clearer? The difference is that back then you were only 16 and your mother had much more survival value to you than she does now. You knew that you needed her for the basic necessities of your life. Today you are a married woman with a college education and children of your own. Your husband loves you and your children – and yet you still haven’t found your “voice.” Are you starting to see how this is unfinished business from your past?

Client: “I never would have put that together that way. Yes, I’m feeling a little better now.”

Client: [After a lengthy and thoughtful pause] “There’s another question that I have about myself: Why don’t I ever feel comfortable turning to G-d? Why can’t I speak to Him either?  I almost never do.”

Therapist: “You see it’s the same theme. You haven’t been able to speak to G-d for the same reasons that you didn’t feel you could speak to your mother. When you spoke with your mother she didn’t respond in a loving sensitive way to your needs so you learned to expect that G-d also didn’t really care about you. You felt that your mother dealt with you in a cruel and punishing way and you learned to project those same sadistic qualities onto G-d. But as we continue and you see more of the differences between G-d and your teenage view of your mother, it will become much easier for you to pray. You’ll see.”

This is a true story. The names and other personal details of those involved have been altered in order to protect their privacy.