“I HATE CIGARETTES!”
 
That’s just about as subtle as I can be on the subject.
 
So of course, when my wife found a cigarette in our teenage son’s room, I felt justified in acting like an idiot.
 
After all:
 
I know the health statistics; he doesn’t.
I saw people die from smoking ; he didn’t.
I led private and corporate smoking cessation seminars ;  he didn’t.
I was exposed to a western anti-smoking  media blitz; he wasn’t.
 
So I planned a strategy that would be full proof; a zealous crusade to save my dear son. I didn’t know it yet, but my zealotry was nothing more than a thinly veiled attempt to manipulate my son into being the person that I want him to be.
 
Starting before he left for Yeshiva in the morning (6:30am) and from the moment he returned at night (9:15pm), I began to bombard him with all of the mortality statistics, anti-smoking pictures and frightening stories that I could find. He literally got up and went to sleep with me in his face; ranting and raving about the evil habit and the peers who had influenced him to smoke in the first place.
 
To my utter amazement, he still wouldn’t stop.
 
I was incredulous… beyond rage.  How ironic, that despite having worked with hundreds if not a thousand smokers, I was failing so miserably with my own son. I agonized further:
 
“Why didn’t he come to me…now he was hooked..…I thought we had a great relationship… why didn’t he let me help him.”
 
My mind raced:  “if he’ll defy me to smoke, what else will he defy me to do?”
 
Lucky for him I’m not a single parent. My wife and I sat down. She said: “You know you’re going to have to back off. You’re only making things worse with your tirades.  Zev, you know he’s a great kid. So he’s smoking a little.”
 
 I couldn’t believe my ears. My blood pressure surged.  “So he’s smoking a little?” I repeated back (raising the volume a bit).
 
 “Look Zev. He is going to stop, but not because you demand him too. We’re in Israel now. It’s just a fact that he sees a lot of his friends smoking.  As long as you stay angry at him you can forget about having any part in the solution.  Do me a favor and from now on, just stay out of it. Leave it to me!”
 
I knew that she was right. I (the big smoking expert) was nothing but an impediment.
 
So I kept my mouth shut and he stopped the next day!
 
Shabbos came, and I started to calm down.  But I was still uneasy about the way that I had behaved.  I went outside to check-in with Hashem:
 
“Hashem, what happened here?  It was so out-of-character for my son to smoke cigarettes.  I must have done something to displease You. Please help me to see what’s going on.  I know that You were telling me something, but the sound of my own will, once again drowned out Your message. I’m sorry.  Show me, please, what I need to learn from this.” 
 
I walked back home feeling better.  Coming into the living room, I saw my son sitting on the couch. He’s 16.
 
Smiling warmly, he said “Tatti (father) can we talk?”
 
Humbled but relieved I said: “sure.”
 
“Did mommy tell you that I stopped smoking?”
 
“Yes, she did.”
 
“And do you know why I stopped Tatti (father).”
 
“No I don’t.”
 
“I didn’t want to smoke in the first place, but once I started, it was hard to stop. Half my class smokes. I only had two or three a day. I really did try to stop but I couldn’t.”
 
“That’s ok, I understand.”
 
“But if it’s so hard to stop smoking how can you be sure that you’re finished with them now?”
 
“Tatti (father), now that you’re not so angry, I’m sure I can stop, because I see how much it hurts you for me to smoke.”
 
“I’m sorry, for the way that I handled this too, son. I want you to know how much nachas (loving pride) I get from you.  I thank Hashem every day for giving me a son like you.”
 
As time went by, I realized that my concern about what others thought about ME having a kid who smokes was at least equal to or greater than my concern about his health.  It didn’t fit into my image of the Torah Scholar that I want my son to be or the type of shidduch (marriage) I hope for him to get.
 
I now see that my fears (which were unfounded) were also quite selfish. Perhaps all fears are selfish because they lead to a preoccupation with ME, ME, ME. It would be much better, next time, if I could focus, as my wife did, on my son’s needs and on serving Hashem.
 
Thank G-d I finally got the message.
 
Since my pride was my stumbling block, here, I hope that my writing about it openly will be pleasing to Hashem.
 
When I asked my son for his permission to print our story, he asked me:
 
“Tatti (father) will this help other father’s to treat their son’s better?”
 
“I sure hope it will, son.”
 
Amen.
 
 
* * *
Zev Ballen, LCSW has been a practicing psychotherapist for 32 years. He is licensed in Israel and the State of New York. Zev has the endorsements of prominent Gadolei Yisrael such as the Nikolsburger Rebba, Shlita, Reb Yitzchok Fagelstock, Shlita, The Kasaner Rebbe of Forshay, Shlita, Rav Shalom Arush, Shlita, and Rabbi Lazer Brody, Shlita.  He resides with his family in Jerusalem where he learns  in Rav Arush’s Kollel and maintains a part-time practice. You can write to Zev Ballen at: zevballen@yahoo.com or call him at: 845-362-8600 (US line) or 054-840-9499 (Israeli line).