Fine-tuning a Marriage
Nothing is more frustrating for a couple than not getting along, especially when the husband and wife can’t pinpoint any particular problem…
Nothing is more frustrating for a couple than not getting along, especially when the husband and wife can’t pinpoint any particular problem. They love each, are more than compatible, yet constant bickering blemishes their shalom bayit. They simply seem to be arguing all the time as if some inexplicable atmosphere of tension hovered in their home.
I asked my beloved rabbi and spiritual guide, Rabbi Shalom Arush, may Hashem bless him, what to look for in situations like the one described in the above paragraph. Rav Shalom told me that the “inexplicable atmosphere of tension” is the result of their past sins, which meant that there were still stern judgments from Above leveled against them. These outstanding judgments were disrupting their marriage.
It’s ridiculous to let marital peace elude you. The little bickering – unchecked – can escalate, G-d forbid. A little fine-tuning will help us nip it in the bud.
Mitigation of Judgment
Every day we are judged in the Heavenly courts on all of our thoughts, words and deeds.
Every day, each of us is judged about every aspect of our lives. When a person is found guilty of a transgression, he is dealt with accordingly. He’ll incur some sort of suffering designed as a wake-up call to initiate self-assessment and teshuvah for the sin he committed.
Once the judgment has been decided, some form of creation – whether mineral, plant, animal, or human – acts as an emissary to deliver the assigned affliction.
As a result of these judgments from Above, many families find that their home lives are full of strife, arguments, disputes and aggravation. In homes like these, the husband or wife wonders: “I only said one word! How did it blow up into a full-scale fight?” The reason that small issues blow up into such huge arguments is because the Heavenly court has sent a number of judgments down on to their home, causing even mundane matters to become a source of friction and suffering. Once again, that’s the “inexplicable atmosphere of tension.”
As long as they have spiritual “dirty laundry”, in other words, misdeeds that they haven’t atoned for, the husband and wife will have a difficult time in getting along because The Divine Presence is lacking in their home. Until they manage to mitigate the harsh judgments that have been leveled against them, nothing will bring The Divine Presence back. So really, no marital consulting will be effective if the husband and wife don’t make teshuvah (repentance) for their outstanding spiritual debits.
Either a couple lives in harmony and the Divine Presence dwells within their home, or they live with the fire of constant strife. There is no third option. A married couple can’t act like two strangers who just happen to be living together, with no need for the Divine Presence to be in their home as long as they are acting civilly towards each other. A married couple is a union of two opposites – both spiritually and physically. Without the Hashem’s presence in their home, they can’t even stand to be in each other’s company!
Our sages list a number of transgressions which result in the Divine Presence leaving a person’s home. This list is an aide for self-assessment that enables us to identify our shortcomings, get rid of them, and fine-tune our marriage accordingly by bringing the Divine Presence back into our home. They include the following:
1. Immodesty. For Hashem to allow His Divine Presence to dwell in a couple’s home, the man and wife must be modest and holy. The Torah says (Deuteronomy 23:15), “So that He should not see anything unseemly among you and would turn away from you.” If a woman wants the Divine Presence to dwell in her home, she must dress modestly, even in the privacy of her home. Hashem observes the laws of His holy Torah; consequently, He turns away from immodesty.
2. Flattery. This doesn’t refer to giving a compliment, but it means telling evil that it’s good.
3. Dishonesty. The Divine Presence can dwell only in a place of truth.
4. Slander and Gossip. Hashem despises wanton speech, for our powers of speech were meant for holy purposes such as prayer.
5. Malicious Jest. Hashem loves every human and is sorely grieved in an atmosphere of people making fun of others.
6. Sadness. The Shechina is not present in a place where there is no joy.
7. Anger. The Reishit Chochma reveals that anger is the main reason for the Shechinah’s absence from a home. If a couple wants real shalom bayit and to have the Shechina in their home, they have to work on correcting their character traits, and they should be very careful not to fall into anger.
8. Dissatisfaction. Whatever their circumstances, a couple should always make every effort to be happy with their lot. The Torah warns (Deuteronomy 28:47), that calamity results “Because you did not serve the L-rd, your G-d, with happiness and with gladness of heart.”
9. Whining and Complaining. The single biggest thing guaranteed to bring down a harsh judgment on a person is whining and complaining, for they indicate that a person is unmindful and/or ungrateful for the many, bountiful blessings that Hashem has given him.
All family members must carefully scrutinize their deeds, and be sure that they’re not guilty of any of these transgressions.
Everything depends on a couple’s conscious effort to better their ways. Neither husband nor wife should lie, gossip, or speak any words of slander. They have to rid themselves of anger and sadness while working at developing their spirituality, their joy and their love of Hashem’s commandments.
Teshuvah not only mitigates harsh judgments, but it enables a person to connect with Hashem. Once connected with Hashem, one’s life becomes much smoother. Without teshuvah, life becomes a thorny path of endless tribulations. Without Divine assistance, even the smallest undertakings are difficult and unsuccessful. Such a life is full of bitterness and suffering.
Without an hour a day of hitbodedut to mitigate the stern judgments hanging over a couple, no advice or guidance will help them. In The Garden of Emuna and In Forest Fields, Rav Shalom discusses at length how there is no double-jeopardy in the Heavenly Court. If a person stands before Hashem and confesses all his or her transgressions, expresses remorse about past misdeeds and resolves to do better in the future, he or she becomes exempt from being judged in the Heavenly courts.
People receive tribulations to encourage them to atone for their transgressions. When people scrutinize their own deeds and atone for them, Hashem has no need to send them any additional suffering. As such, nothing can fine-tune a marriage like a bit of daily teshuvah.
3/08/2010
what about happy, secular couples? When we were secular, we did all of the above, unfortunately, and did not have shalom bayit for 10 years and 3 children. We had many “wake up calls”. When we did teshuva, and most of the “list” above became a thing of the past, it was if we had finally met and married for the first time.
What about secular couples who do all of the above (as many of our friends do) and are happy? How do we explain this? Why do some couples merit a wake up call, whereas others are left to continue as they are?
3/08/2010
When we were secular, we did all of the above, unfortunately, and did not have shalom bayit for 10 years and 3 children. We had many “wake up calls”. When we did teshuva, and most of the “list” above became a thing of the past, it was if we had finally met and married for the first time.
What about secular couples who do all of the above (as many of our friends do) and are happy? How do we explain this? Why do some couples merit a wake up call, whereas others are left to continue as they are?