The Chameleon Husband
Wendy's husband ignores her most of the time, neglects her and denies her money. Then, when the ritually pure days arrive, he changes his skin like a chameleon...
Wendy’s husband doesn’t know that she exists. He never has time to speak with her or give her any love at all. After not seeing him for a whole day, he’ll interrupt something she’s trying to tell him and speak on the phone for an hour with one of his friends. He stopped giving her money for clothing and so she’s too embarrassed to go out because her clothes look “terrible.” Wendy’s husband frequently eats out in restaurants without her. But when she asks him for money, he says there is none.
There is one time, however, that Wendy’s husband pays attention to her and that’s the time of the month when he can touch his wife (according to Jewish law). That’s the time that Wendy gets tons of attention from her husband – but it’s not the type of attention that she wants. That’s because her husband thinks that he has the right to touch her like she is some type of “thing” and not a person. Her husband thinks that he has the right to ignore all of his wife’s needs during the time that he can’t touch her (according to Jewish law) and then to touch her inappropriately every time he walks past her. Wendy hates being treated this way but doesn’t know what to do except cry. When she asks her husband to stop, he laughs at her and makes fun of her. At other times she is verbally harassed into being with her husband but cries for 
hours afterwards because it is done without the slightest bit of love or tenderness.
How sad it is that I speak to so many women who tell me the same story or similar stories as Wendy’s. What can a woman do if her husband refuses to get help because he doesn’t think he has a problem?
A woman is not obligated to be with a husband who is acting inappropriately with her. Ideally she should speak to her husband’s Rabbi so that he will speak to her husband. Sometimes women are shy to do this because it is such a personal matter. Sometimes the husband’s Rabbi is ineffectual or the husband won’t listen to him anyway.
Another option is for the woman to speak to a Rabbi who doesn’t know her husband but who is very powerful and well-known. He will be able to pray for her and perhaps to intervene with her husband in ways that others cannot.
Unfortunately at other times, women who have been living with this situation for a while or who grew up in a home where they saw their mother being neglected and mistreated by their father, have developed a victim mentality. When this occurs, part of the person herself (an unhealthy part of her comes to believe that she deserves to be mistreated so that she must accept the situation and not fight back). These are amongst the most difficult people to help. But even when a woman believes that she either doesn’t have a right to a better life than her mother, or that she doesn’t have the power to stand up for herself, she can still be helped through emuna. With emuna any person, even one with masochistic tendencies, can learn to value herself and to take the positive actions that are going to lead her to self-esteem and a fulfilling life.
Jill was in a similar situation to Wendy’s. Jill’s husband, Peter, was a very busy guy who had little time for his wife. Yet when he came home at night he almost routinely “demanded” that his wife meet his needs. This made Jill feel angry and worthless. She complied for a few years until she couldn’t take it anymore. Finally after praying for her husband and talking to her husband and seeing that he refused to change, she brought the issue up with a Rabbi who knew her husband.
The Rabbi sat with Peter and explained the problem to him in a way that he could understand. Peter had not been adequately prepared for marriage and didn’t understand the essential differences between men women in this area. He learned sections of the book The Garden of Peace, by Rabbi Shalom Arush with Peter. Soon Peter better understood his role as a man in relation to his wife and was able to behave accordingly. A Jewish wife deserves a husband, not a chameleon.
10/31/2021
How to prevent anger: Silence abolishes anger and a soft voice abolishes anger, therefore, when a man sees his anger growing strong within him:
1) He should be silent, or
2) should speak softly, he should not lift his voice in his anger, for the one who does lift his voice in his anger, will only arouse that anger, but a quiet voice and silence soothe anger.
3) Do not look in the face of a man that is angry with you, but drop your eyes and speak with him without staring into his face. Accordingly, he will cause anger to flee from his heart.
Each of these three aforementioned points is tested and tried…they work! https://torahguidance-askhashem.com/
12/04/2016
Think Again!
"A woman is not obligated to be with a husband who is acting inappropriately with her. Ideally she should speak to her husband’s Rabbi so that he will speak to her husband." This is a very misleading statement. (Not that it is entirely wrong – but it is very misleading indeed!) There is tragically no end to stories of broken marriages – even among observant Jews – that begin with wives "going on strike" and balking at their marital obligations. This is halachikally a most severe offense – and on a par with infidelity! While there are indeed cases where a man is acting inappropriately towards his wife, and as a result she is halachikally not obliged to remain in intimate contact with him – these cases are indeed rare, and they are clearly specified in the Shulchan Aruch. Today – the vast majority of these cases are tragically bloated and blown out of proportion with reality. This is largely due to the fact that modern society distorts the natural function of the Jewish mother and housewife from our traditional sources; and, bereft of the Torah's guidance and direction, the miserable housewife becomes unable to put her primary focus on her home. She is constantly being bombarded and beset with modern day "technicalities" – never has the time and sanity to put serious focus on her husband and her marriage; and out of the constant buildup of neglect she is driven off balance – and blames her overburdened husband for her sorrows! The Torah does not in any way demand – and in many cases doesn't even recommend – for the housewife to leave the serenity of her home; to venture into the marketplace and become a second "breadwinner". In the vast majority of these cases that you're referring to it would be far better for the wife to simply tell her husband, "I'm really sorry, dear, but I really want to build a PRODUCTIVE relationship with you, and I cannot hold my full time job as well. I think I'll simply have to drop it, as YOU are far more important in my life, – far more important to me than money!" This atitude is in full consistancy with the Torah, and will in turn enable the housewife to "collect herself" and find the time , energy, and stamina to build a loving relationship with her husband – and with her children as well. All too often, the common atitude "but we need the money" is a self-perpetuating viscious cycle – causing the poor couple health issues, marital issues, chinuch issues, and other "emergency issues" which ultimately deplete their resources… Aside from this – woman who is afraid that she is "slipping" into the quagmire you are referring to is obligated to seriously explain her feelings to her husband (who is frequently UNAWARE of the full scale of this troubled issue) before getting others (and yes – this may even include Rabbanim) involved (quite often "behind his back" in a most smearing and condemning manner which deprives him of the basic ability to repair and rebuild his relationship in the way which most befits the Jewish home)! This is a most serious drawback in today's erratic society. It rarely ever happens this way – that a woman properly adresses her husband over her grievances (in a non-hostile manner – that is; otherwise it is likely to be counterproductive) until he suddenly realizes that "the rug has been slipped from under his feet"; and, as the saying goes, "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure". I should properly add that – aside from this – there is a real and GLARING problem that yeshivas and seminars today hardly broach the topic of Torah oriented family responsibilties, and these crucial and critical values upon which the Jewish nation has been thriving for millenia – are basically being crammed during the last couple of months before marrriage – both for the husband and for the wife. SOMETHING MUST BE DONE TO CHANGE THIS!
12/04/2016
"A woman is not obligated to be with a husband who is acting inappropriately with her. Ideally she should speak to her husband’s Rabbi so that he will speak to her husband." This is a very misleading statement. (Not that it is entirely wrong – but it is very misleading indeed!) There is tragically no end to stories of broken marriages – even among observant Jews – that begin with wives "going on strike" and balking at their marital obligations. This is halachikally a most severe offense – and on a par with infidelity! While there are indeed cases where a man is acting inappropriately towards his wife, and as a result she is halachikally not obliged to remain in intimate contact with him – these cases are indeed rare, and they are clearly specified in the Shulchan Aruch. Today – the vast majority of these cases are tragically bloated and blown out of proportion with reality. This is largely due to the fact that modern society distorts the natural function of the Jewish mother and housewife from our traditional sources; and, bereft of the Torah's guidance and direction, the miserable housewife becomes unable to put her primary focus on her home. She is constantly being bombarded and beset with modern day "technicalities" – never has the time and sanity to put serious focus on her husband and her marriage; and out of the constant buildup of neglect she is driven off balance – and blames her overburdened husband for her sorrows! The Torah does not in any way demand – and in many cases doesn't even recommend – for the housewife to leave the serenity of her home; to venture into the marketplace and become a second "breadwinner". In the vast majority of these cases that you're referring to it would be far better for the wife to simply tell her husband, "I'm really sorry, dear, but I really want to build a PRODUCTIVE relationship with you, and I cannot hold my full time job as well. I think I'll simply have to drop it, as YOU are far more important in my life, – far more important to me than money!" This atitude is in full consistancy with the Torah, and will in turn enable the housewife to "collect herself" and find the time , energy, and stamina to build a loving relationship with her husband – and with her children as well. All too often, the common atitude "but we need the money" is a self-perpetuating viscious cycle – causing the poor couple health issues, marital issues, chinuch issues, and other "emergency issues" which ultimately deplete their resources… Aside from this – woman who is afraid that she is "slipping" into the quagmire you are referring to is obligated to seriously explain her feelings to her husband (who is frequently UNAWARE of the full scale of this troubled issue) before getting others (and yes – this may even include Rabbanim) involved (quite often "behind his back" in a most smearing and condemning manner which deprives him of the basic ability to repair and rebuild his relationship in the way which most befits the Jewish home)! This is a most serious drawback in today's erratic society. It rarely ever happens this way – that a woman properly adresses her husband over her grievances (in a non-hostile manner – that is; otherwise it is likely to be counterproductive) until he suddenly realizes that "the rug has been slipped from under his feet"; and, as the saying goes, "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure". I should properly add that – aside from this – there is a real and GLARING problem that yeshivas and seminars today hardly broach the topic of Torah oriented family responsibilties, and these crucial and critical values upon which the Jewish nation has been thriving for millenia – are basically being crammed during the last couple of months before marrriage – both for the husband and for the wife. SOMETHING MUST BE DONE TO CHANGE THIS!