The Perfect Man

I got married almost six months ago to a guy who I thought was the perfect man. Now, I'm beginning to see that he's not so perfect. In fact, he does so many things that annoy and upset me, that I'm starting to think I made a big mistake. He used to be romantic, attentive, and a go-getter. Now, he's just plain lazy! I feel like the guy I dated and the guy I'm married to are two different people! What gives?!
 
Hila
 
Hila,
 
Well, you're right. The guy you dated and the man you're married to are really two different people. And, guess what- you're not the same person you were before you got married, either.
 
Let me explain. When people are in the courtship phase, including shidduchim (religious couples who are set up through a professional matchmaker,) everyone is on their best behavior. They even look their best at all times, even when getting a surprise visit from their beloved at the ungodly hour of 7:30 in the morning.
 
It's human nature that as the relationship settles into the more comfortable, relaxed stage, the super-human standards of etiquette, behavior, and looks also relax as well. Then, the real person emerges from behind the suffocating illusion of perfection. Everyone breathes a sigh of relief as the girdles are loosened. Well, not always…
 
Sometimes, when one of the partners starts breathing and acting like himself, the other one starts choking like a fish out of water. The person she thought she was dating suddenly did a bait and switch with some mysterious body double or a twin that he kept hidden in the attic until just the right moment. The shock might be too overwhelming for the fish partner, and at this point, many relationships end.
 
It reminds me of a couple that is one of my dearest friends. He thought he was marrying an exotic beauty many, many years his junior. Little did he realize that he actually married his crotchety, cranky, uptight grandmother who can't stop barking orders and insults at him. Oh, how I get such a kick out of those two!
 
Now here's where you need to do some homework. It's up to you to figure out how much of his behavior is within reason, and how much of it is problematic. For example, you say he's lazy. But are you comparing that to how he behaved when you were dating? Maybe he was trying extra-hard to impress you, and now he's just being normal!
 
Most people have a mental and emotional disability that makes them expect their spouse to be a vision of perfection, in looks and especially in character. You can find it in the PDR under: “Perfect Spouseitis.” We essentially expect our husbands and wives to be perfect. But, don't despair! There's a breakthrough vaccine being developed that will magically rid us of this disability, while secretly giving us ten more disabilities!
 
Let's look at a practical example. Many wives, including me, think that their husbands should never get angry, always be willing to go to the market for them, and be energetic and in a good mood when they come home from  work. Many husbands expect their wives to work, clean the house from top to bottom every day, keep having kid after kid without ever losing her pre-pregnancy figure, and always be as sweet and patient as Mama Bear. Oh, yes- she's also gotta be a five-star chef.
 
Do you see, Hila? Many times we're actually setting the marriage up for failure! We've been brainwashed to expect a glamorous and perfect Hollywood romance, and as a result, we're severely disappointed when our spouse isn't rocking our world.
 
However, if you see that he doesn't want to get up in the mornings, and that he's avoiding his responsibilities, there could be a more serious issue going on. I would recommend that you speak privately with our stellar Emuna Coach, Rabbi Dr. Zev Ballen. He can help you quickly figure out what's going on.
 
Here's the other aspect, which is more spiritual in nature. When we think of soul mates, we are led to believe that each of us has a perfect partner waiting for us somewhere in the world. And that's absolutely true. Thereis someone perfect for each one of us.
 
The problem is that our definition of perfect doesn't jive with Hashem's definition of perfect. You see, before we were born, our souls were complete. When we came down to this world, we came with a mission, as well as many things about ourselves that need fixing. Let's call them character flaws. Our other half, therefore, is our complement, but not the romantic Hollywood way.
 
It's not a case of, “I like chocolate, and he likes vanilla.” It's actually a case of, “I hate lazy people, and my husband is so unbelievably lazy!” And what's worse, marriage is a spiritual surgery in which two half-souls are sewn together. The result is the Two-Headed Monster from Sesame Street that has to figure out how to live harmoniously in one body.
 
How can this be? Is Hashem punishing us? Like, no way! Hashem doesn't do anything in a linear or straightforward manner, and we have to work on figuring out what He wants to teach us and in which ways He wants us to grow. Getting back to the lazy example, could Hashem be showing you that you need to work on your patience? Maybe you're too demanding as well?
 
Furthermore, are there any areas, spiritually or physically, in which you are lazy? For example, do you jump out of bed at the crack of your iPhone, pray with 100% focus, and then tackle your daily work/chores with all of your energy? Do you put your maximum effort into following a Torah lifestyle?
 
Hashem gives us the perfect partner; the partner that will bring out all of our worst qualities and force us to work on fixing them! Here's how He does it: when there is something that bothers us about our spouse, it means that we have that same quality in ourselves!
 
Here's something else for you to think about- why should any of us expect a spouse who is perfect in his character? After all, are we so perfect to deserve such a person?
 
Now, if you find that there is nothing more serious going on, like depression, then I recommend that you do your best to not confront him directly! Even if you start out the conversation nice, he will end up getting all defensive, and I can guarantee you a fight will be the result.
 
Instead, try Rav Shalom Arush's approach in his amazing book and marital guide for women, Women's Wisdom. He explains that a woman actually wields tremendous power in the relationship and in the family dynamic simply with her prayers. It reminds me of the movie, “My Greek Wedding,” where the mother gives the daughter wise advice on her wedding day: “The man is the head of the family, but the woman is the neck; she can turn the head any way she wants!”
 
 
Hila, spend 30 minutes a day praying for more patience with your husband's shortcomings. Thank Hashem for forcing you to look at your own flaws, and ask Him for help in fixing them. If you'd like to contact Dr. Ballen, you can reach him at staff@breslev.co.il. May Hashem bless you to see that the man you married is indeed the perfect man for you!
 
Racheli
 
 
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Feel free to send Racheli your questions, particularly in the areas of marriage, dating, child-rearing and women's role; write her at racheli@breslev.co.il