The Purest Love

The Gemara tells us that the thickest darkness precedes the crack of dawn. The one consolation of a generation that suffers in such unprecedented spiritual darkness is that the light will soon come, G-d willing.

The evil inclination has never been stronger and the spiritual and moral darkness has never been thicker. It's difficult enough if a person was born in Siberia or in the Amazon Jungle and he or she never heard of Judaism. I'm not talking about such people; I'm talking about Torah-observant Jews – even rabbis – whom the evil inclination has ensnared with fantasies and traps of lust to the extent that they are far away from doing what the Torah requires of them.

How does a person know if he is truly fulfilling his obligations according to Torah? There's a quick diagnostic question that anyone can ask himself: do I have shalom bayit, marital peace? If one doesn't, then he must reprioritize, putting aside everything he's working on in his service of Hashem and concentrate on building a happy marriage. Nothing could be more important, not even one's Torah learning. Does that sound like a drastic statement? Not at all; marital peace is proof that a person implements what the Torah teaches. A lack of marital peace shows otherwise. If a person doesn't live what he learns, then his learning goes to the dark side, the sitra achra. For that reason, marital peace is an absolute prerequisite for growth in Torah.

How can a person claim to be a Torah scholar or a spiritual leader if he doesn't love his fellow human, the most basic of mitzvoth? Smiles and kindness must begin at home, where there are no testimonial dinners, publicity and applauding onlookers. If you want to find out who a person really is, see how he acts at home with his wife, not how he acts when preaching from the pulpit. A person's wife should be the first recipient of a his love for his fellow human, for she is not only his fellow human but the closest human to him in the world. If she's not, then he has work to do…

Hashem gave me the insight that if a woman isn't first place and first priority in her husband's life, then her life becomes unbearable, virtually a living death. So many husbands wake up when it's almost too late, after receiving restraining orders and notices of court proceedings against them. They shrug their shoulders naively and write me letters that they didn't do anything wrong – they neither beat her nor did they deny her money. Is that called a husband who makes his wife happy, that he neither hit her nor starved her? Too bad they don't read the Garden of Peace before they got married. The Gemara says that a woman only his gratification in her husband's midst; that means that he holds her ever so close to his heart. He thinks of her, he listens to her and he makes a serious effort to make her happy in every way. He jumps to his feet to help her. We're not even talking about physical love, which in essence is not love at all but lust.

A loving husband's head and heart must be clean of lust. His only two motivations in his conjugal relations should be to bring her happiness and to raise a family. The moment he seeks to fulfill his own needs, he becomes a receiver and not a giver. Since the husband is a giver and the wife is a receiver, then she is left without a man, and two women can't get along in the same kitchen.

Every man must know that there is no dispensation at all in Torah to look at any other women. His wife's picture should be the only image in his head. Once it is, his love for her can be pure.

With the above in mind, we can understand why genuine marital bliss is something that one finds in the households of the true tzaddikim. Their love for their wives is the purest that can be, built on the deepest respect and admiration they have for their wives as woman of valor and human beings of priceless worth. This is the purest love.

So what do you do if this is lacking in your marriage? Devote thirty minutes a day of your personal prayer to asking Hashem to help you guard your eyes and build a blissful relationship with your wife. Personal holiness and giving are the key words. You have my prayers for your success.