The Cycle of Empty Relationships

Dear Racheli,

I’ve been in a live-in relationship with my girlfriend for almost five years. Recently, I met someone through a Torah class that I attend. We’re just friends, but I feel a spark when I’m around her. I think there’s something special between us, but I love my girlfriend and hope to marry her one day. I’m so confused!

Josh

Shalom Josh,

What can I say, other than the Evil Inclination has you in his death grip? You, and everyone in your situation, exemplify the absolute pinnacle of what is wrong with modern society’s approach to romance.

I will do my best to leave you with a pulse, but you’re about to get a dose of bitter truth. Just keep in mind that I am doing this for your ultimate benefit…

First, let’s start with your current relationship. You’ve been together five years. You’re living together. You say you want to get married “one day.” One day, as in before or after the Mashiach appears? One day, when you win the lottery? One day, the day before you die? When, exactly, is this one day?

I’m sure your live-in maid isn’t making your life easier as time goes on. She’s probably demanding a promotion, with a diamond ring and a two-week vacation included. The nerve of her! Tell her that you will forward her request to your HR department, and they’ll be in contact with her shortly.

What are you doing with yourself, Josh? Did you ever stop to think about what you want from life, other than a successful career? Vague images of a wife and kids in the distant future don’t count as concrete life goals. So, the first thing you need to address is: what do you want to accomplish in your life?

Is there any spiritual substance to your life, besides your Torah class? This is a great start, but what else are you doing to cultivate your soul’s health? My suggestion would be to find yourself a rabbi that knows how to help people in your type of situation grow spiritually.

Next, you need to ask yourself: what do you want to accomplish with your relationship? Here, I think, is the crux of the problem. Josh, do you know why you are dating to begin with? I’m not talking about your physical desires. Are you like most of us, who just fell into the dating cycle without any real goals or understanding as to what we are doing?

Here’s the issue, according to yours truly, the Love Doctor. Aside from the fact that relationships are an expected area of adulthood, many people are looking for a relationship simply to fill up the void in their lives.

An exciting, romantic relationship certainly works wonders in redirecting our focus away from our shortcomings and emotional issues. It’s terribly exciting to go out to restaurants, dancing, romantic vacations, and whatever else single people do these days.

When you’re focused on your beloved, you don’t have to worry about what’s missing in yourself! Your other half completes you, as they say.

Unfortunately, this concept is completely misunderstood. Soul mates are not two people that complete each other in a reactive way. What I mean is that if one half is a generally sad person who happens to meet a happy-go-lucky type, the happy one cannot fix or fill the void of the sad one!

For a relationship to work, both people need to be pretty much emotionally and mentally healthy and not incredibly needy in any way. This leads me to the next aspect of your question.

Let’s talk about cheating. Why do people cheat? It’s because they feel that their partner isn’t meeting their needs anymore, so they look for someone else to fill the void. What they’ve really done is just compound their problem.

The first void is ignored with a relationship. Once the relationship isn’t meeting your needs, you’ve created another void, which can only be filled by someone on the side! Furthermore, when your original relationship ends, you end up with a void that is even greater, and the cycle continues.

If you follow this pattern down the line, you will find many people who are in their 40’s and still single because they just couldn’t get themselves out of this cycle. Unfortunately, most of them probably don’t even realize that they’re in such a cycle to begin with.

My recommendation to you is to end your current relationship, and definitely stay away from the new girl. If you already feel a spark with someone else, it is a clear sign that your current girlfriend is not for you.

Now here’s a secret. The Evil Inclination loves to trick people by infecting them with “The Spark”. It’s nothing more than lust wrapped up in romantic hearts and flowers to make it appear legitimate. Especially since you’ve experienced The Spark while already in a relationship, this is a clear sign that this other girl is not for you.

Josh, why don’t you take a break from relationships for a while, and find out what you really want out of life? Since you are already taking a Torah class, you may already know that the Torah forbids premarital relations, and by declining to participate, you will not only stop drawing tremendous judgments down on yourself, but you will also show Hashem that you are serious about finding the right girl for you.

I know it’s much easier said than done, but I promise you this- if you put genuine effort into working on yourself and cultivating a relationship with Hashem, you will experience wonderful changes in your life and in you self. Here’s a great place to start: read The Garden of Emuna, and discover the true meaning of life. Once you’ve got that squared away, when you feel ready for a relationship that will lead to marriage before the next millennium, read The Garden of Peace. Trust me, save yourself from Nagging Wife Syndrome before you get married- it’s much easier that way!

All the best, Racheli