Why Won’t He Marry Me?

Dear Racheli,

I am so frustrated with my boyfriend of one year! I’m 30 and ready to get married, but he seems to be in no hurry. We’ve fought about it a lot over the past six months, and he says he’s ready to commit, but so far there’s been no proposal. He was engaged twice before, and backed out, but he said it’s just because those girls weren’t right for him. He insists that he loves me, so why doesn’t he want to marry me?

Thanks,

Ariella

Darling Ariella,

You are asking the quintessential question of nonreciprocal relationships! Mazal Tov! You get a surprise behind Door #3 at the end of this article. And my fingers are mad at me for finding such long and anachronistic words to write. So is my brain, for that matter.

Your question is so loaded, I could answer it with a short book. But I’ll save you the time and make it as short as possible. First: you’ve been with this guy for a year. Is it safe to assume you’ve been intimate with him? Let’s assume that you have. As I wrote in Free Milk, you’re basically giving your boyfriend all the perks that are supposed to be reserved for marriage, but before you’re married. So what’s he got to look forward to?

And if you also live together, that means you’re likely doing his laundry, washing his dishes, cleaning his house, making his breakfast and dinner, and putting his stinky shoes back in his closet, where you’ve carved out about 5% for your stuff. So basically you’re his live-in maid with fringe benefits.

Ariella, this guy’s got it made. Why would he feel the need to strap on the proverbial ball and chain when he’s already got you slaving away at his oversized feet for little or no pay? What are you, a severely exploited factory worker in China?

Unfortunately, your situation is no different than that of most young unmarried couples these days. It’s the norm to live together for years before marriage, with the rationalization that you’ve got to figure out if you’re compatible enough to withstand an indefinitely long life of indentured servitude to each other. Well that just sucks all of the romance out of marriage, doesn’t it?

In reality, this perspective on relationships is totally backward. Living together may be fun and exciting at first, but after a while Cinderella usually feels internal pressure to have Prince Charming make her legit. If you’re not living together, the same concept still applies. You’ve given him a year of your life; likely a year of lots of dedication, attention, and what you may call “love.”

And what is he giving you in return? In short, nothing. Just open your eyes, Ariella. He’s been engaged not once, but twice before! Is it realistic that he place much of the blame for the broken relationships on his ex’s? Or would it be fair to say that this guy just doesn’t want to tie himself down?

So here’s what I think, based on my years of extensive research into the matter. Don’t take it personally that he won’t marry you. He may say he loves you, but in my opinion, he doesn’t, because the way you show someone you love them is to dedicate your life to them. So if he won’t marry you, he’s telling you loud and clear that he just doesn’t love you (enough) to want to spend the rest of his life with you.

My advice? Move on. But not to another man just yet! Now, you have a genuine opportunity to get the guy you truly deserve, and not just another guy that’s looking for no-strings-attached fun.

And how do you find such a guy? Simple. Just ask for him! You know, most people may believe in God, but they think He’s somewhere far away and not directly involved in our lives. This is not true. Hashem is right here with you, giving you every breath, making your heart beat, and sustaining the entire world at every moment. It’s mind-boggling when you really think about it.

Since He is directly involved in our lives, He wants us to know that He’s here with us. He wants us to speak with Him, just as we would speak with our best friend. Ariella, now is your opportunity to not only find the guy that was really meant for you, but it’s also your opportunity to develop a personal connection with Hashem.

Read The Garden of Emuna to get a foundational understanding of how Hashem runs the world and how deeply involved He is in our day-to-day lives. Then, start talking! Speak to Him whenever you can! All day long, in fact! If you can’t, then set aside a nice chunk of time to speak with Him. Ask Him for whatever you want. Tell Him what’s going on in that heart of yours. I promise, He really is listening!

Believe me, this guy did you a favor by not wanting to marry you. Now you are embarking on a path of spiritual awareness, of gratitude, and of receiving every blessing that your heart desires.

Oh, yeah, and you’re probably wondering what’s behind Door #3, right? A NEWWWW CARRRRR! (And your Prince Charming!)

Warmest Wishes,

Racheli