Flipping the Pain

Kevin is a married man with three young children who has worked hard to keep his anger at bay. Kevin strains himself to speak to people in a polite soft-spoken manner, but deep down he feels violent towards others and is fearful that one day he’ll explode and really hurt someone.

Like so many people that I speak to, Kevin was a victim of severe physical abuse – in his case, by his father. As a child, Kevin was beaten so brutally and so frequently by his father that he would often pass out. His body was always covered with painful bruises –  but, like I’ve heard from so many victims of abuse – even physical torture can’t be compared to the agony of feeling one’s soul being murdered repeatedly by someone who is supposed to love you.

When I first met Kevin, it had already been many years since his father had laid a hand on him. Kevin wanted to know why he was still feeling so violent towards his father and others; he also wanted to know what possible “good intention” could G-d have had for the pain that he had suffered as a child? After four sessions,  I too wondered, if Kevin would ever be able to see how the abuse that he suffered had been “all for the best.” Both of us were short on answers, but Kevin was asking good questions and I saw that his desire to know the truth was very strong.

In our fifth session, Kevin began to think about his situation from a different perspective. He wondered how his life would have been different if his father would have been consistently kind, loving and predictable. What would he be like today if he had grown up in a “normal” family?

As Kevin probed and dug deeper into himself he realized that it was only because he had suffered so intensely at his father’s hand, that during his college years, he started looking for love and connection in a completely different type of “father” which he found in the Lubavitcher Rebbe.

There was a Chabad house near the campus where Kevin went to school. He would go there often and watch videos of the Lubavitcher Rebbe. He sat entranced by the Rebbe for hours drinking up the Rebbe’s facial expressions, his tone of voice, his emuna, his strength and the wisdom with which he spoke to his followers. Kevin felt privileged to observe for the first time what he described as a “normal” family environment. For Kevin, the Rebbe became the ultimate father figure. He felt that the Rebbe was speaking directly to him and giving him fatherly advice about the right way to lead his life.

Kevin pursued his study of Judaism and ultimately abandoned the religion of his youth. The warmth and acceptance that he felt from the Jewish community spurred him on and, in time, Kevin made a connection to Breslev and Rabbi Arush as well. In recent years, Rabbi Arush has also become a powerful father substitute for Kevin who enables him to continue growing emotionally and spiritually.

Kevin was coached to utilize the anger towards his father in a positive way. Today, when he feels the slightest bit of anger welling up inside himself towards his father, he will immediately “flip” the internal image of his father to an internal image of the Lubavitcher Rebbe or of Rabbi Arush. Now Kevin is using the “problem” in the service of his growth. The “problem” has been converted into the very signal that prompts Kevin’s mind to search for a better source for the love and connection that he needs. The split second of anger that he feels, when his father starts to annoy him, has been recast in a positive vein. With time and additional practice, I have no doubt that this will become second nature for Kevin.

This is a true story. The names and personal details of those involved have been altered in order to safeguard their privacy.