Zumba Queen

I have a confession to make… I’m obsessed with Zumba. And with baked potatoes smothered in sour cream and green onions. I have no idea why I wrote that. Incidentally, I’ve stopped eating straight carbs, like bread, pasta, etc., but occasionally eat Basmati rice. Maybe that’s why I had to stuff my face with four baked potatoes tonight for dinner. You would think that all that fattening sour cream would fill me up.

The strange thing is that, even though I’m not concerned with how much fat I’m eating, I’ve been losing weight in the most stubborn of places – the love handles. Now if you know what I look like, you are probably disgusted that I could even write such a thing, as you may insist that I don’t have any love handles. But I would just tell you that I know how to hide them really well.

On the other hand, maybe my weight loss could in some way, by chance, be attributed to the 80 hours a week I spend at the gym. I’ve since upgraded my membership from twice a week to four times a week, and of course I didn’t tell my husband I did that. I’m down with the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy that most wives live by.

So one day, after he finally realized that I couldn’t possibly be going food shopping every morning, plus the fact that there was a mysterious extra charge from the gym, he called me out on it. Trying to disguise my terrible lying face, I sweetly replied, “Oh, you mean I didn’t tell you? So sorry!” In reality, I didn’t apologize, as I’m allergic to giving apologies. Saying sorry gives me hives.

Back to my point. I’m obsessed with Zumba. Totally obsessed. It reminds me of when I was young and free. I used to work out when I was young and free, I mean single. Come to think of it, I was very athletic as a girl. My parents always enrolled me in tennis, swimming, gymnastics, anything to keep me out of the house. As I began to grow older and drive my parents even more insane, I was still motivated to go to the gym, or to go for a run. It could be that part of my motivation was to meet cute guys, but let’s not go there. The truth is that I just enjoyed being in shape.

When I started working out again after taking a 13-year hiatus, it took me at least 6 months to start feeling like my body was getting back into shape. But once I got my groove back, I was back in bizness. Now, I thoroughly enjoy killing myself by pushing my body to the limit. I’m a bit of a masochist, you might say.

But, really, what I love the most is the awesome high I get after a good workout. I love the rush of endorphins. It feels so good to know that I gave it my maximum effort, and that I will barely be able to walk the next day. If I could dance Zumba all day, I think I actually would. If they did a Zumba marathon, I would be all over that. I am the unofficial, husband-nominated Zumba Queen. Somebody please overnight me a diamond crown.

Here’s something that I don’t love, however. I noticed that living a religious lifestyle does not lend itself well to being physically fit. This is a complete tragedy in my mind.

Girls in particular are the greatest victims of this physically limiting lifestyle. It is no wonder to me that a new mom never loses her baby weight, even after her first baby. I wonder how many religious people in Israel have gotten their heart rates up for longer than the time it takes to run to the bus stop so they can catch the 417 to Jerusalem. Even the way most religious people walk is painfully slow, like they’re dragging themselves to their doctor’s office for their yearly physical. As if.

And the religious diet? Fuggetaboutit! Everything’s dripping in oil! Shmaltz herring, potato kugel, shnitzel, chulent, Yerushalmi kugel, fake ice cream that doesn’t melt even after 30 minutes of direct sunlight, yummm, my mouth is watering just thinking about it. But, really, yuck! This type of diet is the antithesis of what should be a holy, kosher diet.

So we’ve got sludge and fat lining our insides, and we’re lugging ourselves around like The Blob looking for his next big meal. Is this real Judaism? Not in my mind. What happened to an active lifestyle and a healthy diet? Even Jews of previous generations were much more active, with their farming duties, horse riding, walking long distances, and doing laundry without a washing machine G-d forbid. Children played outside, swam, ran through the fields, climbed trees.

A Divine vessel must be clean and pure in order to properly receive blessings and abundance from Heaven. However, if our vessels are lined with fats, toxins, and all types of impurities, how can we call ourselves true servants of Hashem?

Rebbe Nachman says that joy is our main mission in life. It’s no accident that endorphins, the pleasure chemicals, are released when you get your heart rate up! I really believe that if people would just get in better shape, they would automatically start to feel so much happier. And when they’re happier, they can experience a stronger and more fulfilling connection with Hashem and life in general.