Archaic or Romantic

I remember when my first friend got married. It marked a new chapter in my life, a transition from immature young-adulthood to semi-mature young-adulthood. Is there even such thing as mature young-adulthood? Maybe, but it’s a rarity. In any case, I was having dinner with my newlywed friends and somehow the topic of intimacy came up. She told me, “We keep niddah. We can only have relations for two weeks out of the month.” Well, my jaw just about hit the floor, along with the rest of me. “What??!” I practically yelled, “You’re only together half the month?? That means you can’t be with each other for SIX MONTHS out of the year!” At this point, everyone in the restaurant was enjoying our juicy conversation. I wondered incredulously- was this a new breed of man? Was he some type of strange hybrid, half-man half-robot? From what I knew about men, they seemed to be controlled by their physical desires. I didn’t even know another type of man existed! Whoah, did I have a lot to learn.

I grew up as a typical American Jew. I went to Hebrew school as a young child, then to public school. Beyond my family’s Shabbat dinners and Israeli mentality, I didn’t have any major exposure to Judaism, except my mother constantly reminding me, “You are only allowed to date a Jewish boy.” Even this I didn’t follow. Sorry, Ma. Anyways, I had never heard of the concept of niddah as a young teenager. All I knew from was what my friends were doing and what Cosmopolitan magazine was promoting. So to hear this from a couple that I thought were “cool”, well, I was shocked. Subsequently, they plummeted down my cool-meter so fast, I could barely bring myself to spend time with them again. What did I have in common with such people? I could never imagine myself with that kind of lifestyle. “Who needs this?” I thought.

It wasn’t until several years later that I became re-exposed to the concept of niddah. For me, there was such a negative connotation; a woman is thought to be “unclean”- how archaic! What a sexist way to think! Being the modern-day feminist that I was, I thought, “What typical male behavior. Who are they to even talk about women‘s menstrual cycles?” Honestly, I was disgusted by the entire concept. For me, it was just another tactic men used to exert their control over women. As it turned out, I was incensed over nothing. I learned a few spiritual secrets that are not well-circulated, at least amongst the less observant crowd. Rabbi Brody has a fantastic CD called “The Magic Mikvah”, which gives tremendous insight into the spiritual process of niddah and going to the mikvah. For example, in Kabbalah, the woman represents the vessel or receiver, while the man represents the light, or giver. Let’s not get into the debate over why a man gets to be the giver; one is not higher than the other in this sense. Each person has their role to play. Like Rabbi Brody says, “The plumber isn’t jealous of the carpenter, because each has his own job that he was created to do.”

Anyhow, during the two weeks of the menstrual cycle, the woman’s vessel is “shattered” in a sense. She cannot bring forth life during this time. Therefore, she needs these two weeks to spiritually and physically repair her vessel. This is a wonderful opportunity for the couple to focus on strengthening their emotional bond. For two weeks, there is no physical contact of any kind, not even a small caress on the arm. This might seem extremely difficult and even unfair, especially since many of us women thrive on constant physical affection. However, let’s be realistic. How many women who permit themselves to their husbands all month actually get constant physical and emotional attention? Rabbi Meir states in the Talmud, “If a woman were permitted to her husband all month long, he would soon grow tired of her and might even come to detest her.” This sounds like an extremely harsh statement, but let’s examine this a bit. When we buy something new, how long are we really excited about it? Well, depending on the object, maybe a few days, maybe even a month if it’s a new car. What happens after the excitement fades? This object becomes just like the rest of our acquisitions; we even get to the point where we might be looking at it, but we don’t even see it anymore. For those of us with kids, how many times have we heard them whine, “But Ema, I don’t have any toys! Ema, I don’t have any clothes to wear!” Gosh, I can remember all too vividly saying that myself! It all becomes old news eventually. Why should we expect ourselves to be any different?

King Solomon states, “Stolen waters are sweet.” What does this mean? Let’s look at our own lives. How many times do we desire something more when we know we can’t have it? From a child who really really needs to have that new toy to an adult, who really really needs the next version of the I-Phone, because last year’s model is so last year, we can see that this type of thinking is embedded in our psyche. Even more so, how many of us have suffered from “unrequited love”? King Solomon obviously knew much about our emotional programming when he made this statement. When a husband and wife are forbidden to each other, what do you think happens to the intensity of their desire for one another? It exponentially increases with each passing day and each passing month. It becomes like that sweet torture that many of us have felt at one point or another, when we were almost overcome with desire for something or someone, but we just couldn’t do anything about it. In my opinion, this is the closest a married couple will ever get to the dating stage again. What a fabulous opportunity to resume the dance of courtship! All of a sudden, we are transported back to the time when love was fresh, new, innocent; when our futures with our beloved ones were blossoming with unlimited potential and visions of everlasting romance. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to experience that enchanting, sublime feeling of new love? What would you give to re-experience that high that you felt by just being around your new love? When you could disappear into each other’s eyes and melt into each other’s arms? Are you feeling the love yet??

“This is the magic of the mikvah,” explains Rabbi Brody. Only through the mikvah can the couple achieve a true and pure connection with each other. By going to the mikvah, a woman spiritually purifies and rejuvenates her soul. The mystical powers of the holy waters gently remove all of the spiritual “buildup” and impurities that have accumulated, not only during the time of niddah, but also from any of her actions that didn’t add light to the world. All of this is washed away as she is surrounded by the healing waters of the mikvah. Another secret Rabbi Brody shares with us is that keeping niddah brings prosperity to a couple. He explains that many couples have come to Rav Shalom Arush and to him for help regarding their financial difficulties. When asked if they adhere by the laws of niddah, many state in the negative. In what way is keeping ritual purity connected to sustenance? According to Kabbalah, there are several main spiritual pipelines, or channels, by which our sustenance is brought down from Above. Rav Brody reveals that the main pipeline for prosperity is the wife. Therefore, the cleaner the pipe, the greater the channel is for receiving abundance from Hashem. For a husband to reach his full potential in his career and business ventures, the wife’s soul must be a pure channel for abundance. I like to think of spiritual impurities as “spiritual cholesterol”. They are unhealthy for the soul and body, as these blockages greatly diminish the amount of abundance that is able to reach it’s intended destination.

A third amazing secret about keeping family purity is that it has tremendous health benefits as well. In his book, The Coming Revolution, Rabbi Zamir Cohen gives many examples of studies that have shown how keeping niddah is actually healthier for the woman and the man. Science has recently discovered that it takes exactly seven days from the end of the menstrual period for the uterine lining to rebuild itself. This exactly correspond with the halacha that requires a woman to count seven “clean” days after her bleeding ends. What is so significant about waiting seven days? Until the uterine lining is repaired and rebuilt, Dr. Eli Sussheim, a senior surgeon at Sha’arei Tzedek states, “The uterus is like a sponge, prone to absorb any bacteria with which it comes in contact, thus creating an ideal breeding ground for diseases.” Dr. Daniel Malach, senior expert in women’s health at Sha’arei Tzedek adds, “During the time of the woman’s period, none of the functions which protect the woman from infections and bacteria are active.” Another amazing medical discovery is revealed by Dr. M. Sulzberger, Medical Director of Misgav Ladach Hospital. Dr. Sulzberger states, “Relations during the time of menstruation…result in the tissue that lines the uterus developing growths or lesions. This results in internal bleeding…and inflammation. Symptoms include severe pain, fever, and infertility. This condition is known as endometriosis.” Amazing! Most women suffering from this painful condition have no idea why it exists. Now we have medical proof of what the sages knew long ago; it just isn’t healthy to have relations during the first twelve days of a woman’s cycle. Rabbi Brody takes it a step further. He states, “Do you know why it’s called family purity and not female purity? Because waiting twelve days also has positive impact on the husband and the children.” Regarding the husband, Rabbi Brody explains that instances of prostate cancer are significantly lower among men whose wives observe niddah. The same holds true for rates of uterine, ovarian, and cervical cancer.

There is another reason why it’s called “family purity”. The children that are born from such a pure and holy union are blessed in every way. “When two parents are pure channels, they impart their purity to their children,” states Rabbi Brody.  During the time of conception, Hashem acts as a partner with the parents in the creation of a new child. This child will be born with a healthy and balanced mental and emotional disposition, along with a sharp mind and a good heart. Conversely, children that are born of an impure union are more likely to suffer emotional and mental disorders, anxiety, and be more difficult to raise. This is because the child received the impurity from the parents at the time of conception. If you have not begun to keep niddah yet and already have children, don’t despair. “It’s never too late,” as Rav Arush says. You can still exert tremendous influence over your children’s behavior by starting to go to the mikvah. By doing so, you will purify your soul, which will in turn have a purifying and calming effect on your children’s souls. Remember, you will always have a special bond by which your actions affect your children. This is a great opportunity for you to help not only your children, but you can set in place a practice that will bring blessings for your grandchildren and all future generations as well. When you start to use the mivkah on a regular basis, the entire energy of your home and your family will shift. You will begin to create a home which will feel like a safe haven, a place of warmth and love, for your children and your husband.

Speaking of husbands, don’t think that all you have to do is be an innocent bystander in this entire process. Oh, no, Hashem isn’t letting you get off that easily. After agreeing to give your wife her two weeks of breathing space, you have a tremendous opportunity to re-create the wedding night all over again. On the day of immersion, do something special for your beloved wife. Buy her a small thoughtful gift. Make dinner for her, or bring something in if you can’t cook. Buy her flowers. Do something to make her feel special. Let her know she is cherished in your heart. Don’t forget, you also come out a winner in this entire process. During your separation period, you will be able to reconnect with her on a deep emotional level that gets lost during the daily craziness of life. You will get to learn who she is all over again and you will remember why you fell in love with her in the first place. This is the perfect time to go for walks together, or just sit and talk over a cup of coffee. Hashem has set it up perfectly so we will be able to reconnect spiritually before we can reconnect physically. Take my word for it, husbands: by the time you are together with your wives again, you will not even know other women exist. So go ahead, fall in love with each other all over again. What a gift- you have the opportunity to re-create another wedding night, and I guarantee it will be even better than the first one!