Out at Last

“Ray” is the disguised name of a good friend of mine who has already spent a huge chunk of his young Jewish life in prison (including a year in solitary confinement).

In Solitary Ray, I wrote about how Ray hit bottom in his solitary-cell and turned to Hashem for comfort.  In Thank G-d for Prison, I wrote about how Ray poured out gratitude for his life and the prison walls that protected him from the temptations of the outside world.

When, a few weeks ago, I saw Ray on my schedule I got really excited. It’s been a few years since I could speak to him. When he was in the county lock-up, they let me have 15 minutes at a time with him on a recorded line. But when he was transferred to a state penitentiary, we got completely caught in red tape and lost contact with each other.

As I dialed the residential number on my calendar, I knew Ray had finally been released and was living with his grandmother. I prayed that he wasn’t taking drugs and was cooperating with his parole.

He told me that he was out for almost a month but it felt like no time – his head was spinning. “Time hardly moves in prison”.

I got off the phone and wondered: What’s going to keep him out this time? He really doesn’t know how to live on the outside. How will he stay away from drugs and crime and drinking and women and all the influences that keep getting arrested and thrown back in prison?

The next time I spoke with him, I realized that this time there was something different going on.  Aside from some minor parole violations, he was making it. He went to work and shul and everywhere with his electronic ankle bracelet. He went for urine tests and Alcoholics Anonymous meetings; he is meeting with his parole officer who doesn’t even look at him. His grandfather is helping him fix up an old car.  He’s sober, he goes to the gym, and is working on his faith.

But why? Here’s a guy who has seen and done the most graphic horrific things you could imagine. When Ray was high there was literally nothing he wouldn’t do to get what he wanted. Why do I love speaking to this guy so much? And, how is he doing so well after more than a month on the outside?

 “Ray, give it to me straight. What’s keeping you off the stuff?”

He told me about his “guy” who is still on the inside. “I think about him all the time. He’s got a lot more time to do. He’s done 14 years on a 25 year sentence. I could have gotten the same time as him – we basically did the same things. Instead, I did 7 years. He and I looked after each other inside and it’s been very bad for him since I left. He’s a big guy but he likes to talk. The gangs had to shut him down – they jumped him. He fought them but ended up in the ‘hole’ for 2 weeks. When he got out they had stolen everything he has. He’s really depressed because he’s got nobody in the world – nobody who cares about him – except for me. I send him money and I write him every other day because he has nothing. No medication, no friends, nothing…”

I found out that Ray sends his friend a big chunk of his paycheck (which isn’t much) every week; and that’s not the only person he’s helping in prison. He writes to a whole bunch of his old friends and tries to give them hope. He talks about his faith and how strong it makes him. “When I was in the joint I did 650 pushups a day but nothing makes me feel stronger and more hopeful than Hashem. I told this girl whose life is all messed up on drugs, you know. You need to give yourself to G-d. It’s the only way out for people like us.” Ray says that with all the stabbings and violence in prison it’s actually an easier life for him on the inside than on the outside.  He is blessed to know that he can’t live out here without G-d in his life.

Ray steers clear of anybody who doesn’t share his view about Hashem. He learned about faith in solitary confinement when he had a broken neck and hit his all-time bottom. That was when his grandmother sent him copies of the Garden of Gratitude and the Garden of Emuna by Rabbi Shalom Arush and Trail to Tranquility by Rabbi Lazer Brody. These are the books that saved Ray’s life and which he still sleeps with at night.

It’s kind of paradoxical – I speak to so many people who don’t really know who they are or what they want in life – but I don’t get that from Ray – he’s completely real with me even about how much hate he still has in him and how frightened he that it will burst out again. Ray just reminds me that we really can’t judge anybody. If I had met Ray when he was on meth, violent and dangerous, who knows if I would have been able to see the inner beauty that he possesses. Here’s a guy who gives away half his paycheck to someone he’ll probably never see again. This is the secret to his success. I’m so grateful to Hashem to be a part of Ray’s life once again.