Return to the ‘Fantasy World’

Apart from two trips to the Ukraine (which don’t really count, as the Ukraine is such a weird place, with such pockets of holiness, no-one could ever mistake it for the ‘real world’) – I haven’t been out of Israel for over four years.

A lot has changed in those four years, at least for me. I’ve moved house three times. I gave up my business and became a full-time wife and mother. I’ve been through so many ups and downs; so many ‘difficult’ situations; so many challenging circumstances. With G-d’s help, I’ve fought off so many inner demons, fought through so much confusion and doubt; fought down my own baser instincts to answer back; or take revenge; or make them pay.

 
And I don’t regret any of it for a single moment; quite the opposite. The last four years, I have been running a spiritual marathon, and practically every week, G-d takes me through a new place in my soul, and asks me to get acquainted with it, discover whatever is lacking or missing, and make a real effort to fix it.
 
It’s really, really hard work. But I’m getting so much out of it! I’m so much more accepting of myself and other people, and so much more appreciative. I’m so much more ‘clear-headed’, and I don’t run round in circles for weeks (or even months…), like I used to, trying to work out what the heck I should be doing with my life. Every day, I try to count my blessings, and to see the positive, whereas in the not-too-distant-past, I spent most of my time fighting off misery, despair and depression.
 
Most of all, I’m trying to learn the lesson that G-d is the Boss. G-d is in charge. There is nothing other than G-d, and whatever I manage to do or otherwise is really all and only down to Him.
 
It’s all really great and amazing, and I’m very pleased with all the changes that have occurred in the past four years. There’s just one problem: in about two weeks’ time, I have to go back to the UK for a family simcha, and I’m already getting the heebie jeebies about it.
 
I’m nervous for quite a few reasons. Reason One: World War 3 could literally break out any minute, and the last place I want to get stuck when Mashiach turns up is in London, trying to squeeze on the last El Al plane back to Israel.
 
Reason Two: Part of the reason I stopped going back to London was because a big part of me really liked the rampant materialism there. I could get ice-cream scoops in hot pink! I could buy underwear that fit! I could visit ‘Home & Garden’ events and pick up really cool garden furniture for only a few squillion pounds… heaven!
 
These days, I don’t have a lot of cash. These days, I can’t just buy whatever nonsense chatchkey I want when the mood takes me. I’m on a BUDGET now, and while I’ve made my peace with it and even appreciate it in Israel, back in Fantasy Land – where cash is king – I’m not sure how I’m going to feel about being so ‘poor’.
 
Reason Three: Newspapers, books and magazines in English. In Israel, I don’t read any secular stuff at all, and that’s really not hard – it’s nearly all in Hebrew! In London, it’s wall-to-wall bookstores and glossy mags, filled with the worst kind of soul-destroying celeb-watching ‘news’. Even if I’m not buying Cosmo, I just know I’m going to have a fight on my hands to walk away from Good Housekeeping or Good Food, which will be chock full of ‘winter festival’ nonsense, in the middle of November.
 
Reason Four: My kids. My precious, pure kids, who Baruch Hashem, are growing up in their little ‘frum’ bubble here in Israel. They don’t know who Britney Spears is. They don’t know what movie is ‘in’. They don’t know that you can’t just eat everywhere, or wear a scarf on your head, or have your peyot (side curls) and tzitzit flapping in your wind and still be OK.
 
I have about another five billion reasons why I’m really not looking forward to going, but you get the idea. I emailed my Rav to see if I could get out of going, (even though I’d upset a lot of people in my family) but that didn’t work.
 
So now, I’m just going to have to pray a lot that Hashem will help me visit Fantasy Land, and get back in one piece, with my soul intact. Hashem will have to help me have (or avoid) all the ‘awkward’ conversations with the people who don’t know He’s running the world; Hashem will have to steer me and my kids away from Marks & Spencer, and Asda, and all the other ‘cool’ shops; Hashem will have to protect my kids (and husband) from all the ads of women with no clothes on; and all the advertising; and all the vibes to buy this! be that! go there!
 
Sigh.
 
Four years’ ago, I used to love my trips ‘back’. I used to feel like I could have my cake and eat it, with those trips: live in Israel, be a Jew, but go back for a big dose of ‘popular culture’ and TK Maxx whenever I felt like it.
 
Now, I appreciate just how horrible that ‘popular’ culture is; just how dangerous for a Jewish soul; just how pervasive.
 
In Fantasy Land, people pretend that they can wear their shtreimel (fur hat) and wear their wigs, and bring out all the fine china for yom tov, and keep ‘popular culture’ far away from their kids and still be fine, upstanding Jews.
 
But they are fooling themselves.
 
I’m going to be in Fantasy Land for six days, and that feels like five-and-a-half days too long… If my Rav hadn’t told me to go, I’d have backed out by now.
 
I live somewhere where air raid sirens go off, and it’s not just a ‘test’. I live somewhere which has 90,000 rockets pointed at it. I live somewhere where helicopter gunships regularly pass over me, on their way to the Gaza border.
 
But I know that in the real world, Fantasy Land is a million times more dangerous.