Another Type of War
The people of the Israel’s south need not prove that missiles are being fired at them. But, the victims of domestic abuse are often met with raised eyebrows of scepticism…
Israel is finally defending itself against its enemies, and taking almost ridiculous care to save the lives of civilian Gazans, even at risk of IDF lives, and while Hamas terrorist specifically and intentionally target Israeli civilians. What does it get in return from the world community? How dare you defend yourselves!!! And silently – Don’t you know that you don’t have that right?
This has been the paradox of the Jew in exile for millennia. When we are butchered, we are expected to lie down and take it. Then, we are blamed for our massacre – why were you led like sheep to the slaughter? Why didn’t you fight back? And when we fight back, we get – How dare you! The denial of antisemitism is a catch-22, lose-lose situations for the Jews. No matter what we do, we’re wrong and we’re blamed.
If we act in pure defense, the world slaps us. And like now, or like the Six Day War, when we act offensively to prevent future defensive maneuvers, with every defensive, logical reason at our side, the world goes crazy. Defense they don’t like, but offense? Jews taking matters into their own hands to prevent more bloodshed? That is an untenable sin.
Sadly, there are people within our community who are also faced with an impossible situation built on denial. On a very different scale, and in a very different way, absolutely – but the fundamental denial, and resulting emotions, are the same. I’m sure you are asking yourself – What are you talking about? How could the Jewish community act like the world media’s attitude towards Israel?
I am talking about situations of abuse within the Jewish community. Whether it’s domestic violence, sexual abuse, or other like situations, and whether the victims are men or women, children or adults, unfortunately the situation is the same. The victim, traumatized and reeling, is met not with open, loving arms, help, support, and guidance – but denial, blame, and a cold shoulder. Not to say, G-d forbid, that every single person reacts in this way – the few who embrace the victim are welcome indeed and much appreciated. But this IS what the victim faces from the community as a whole, the general feeling of the people he or she interacts with.
And it doesn’t matter what they do. Take a woman trying to leave an abusive husband. If she stays, people tell her – if it was really that bad, why don’t you leave? And if she tries to leave, they tell her – why didn’t you say anything before? You must be making this up to hurt him and benefit the civil divorce. He’s such a nice guy, he couldn’t have really done this [read – this couldn’t happen in MY community]. If she acts defensively, she is told she made up the situation and is called a liar. And oh my, if she acts offensively to prevent future situations, with every logical reason and many past experiences at her side, she is turned into a complete pariah. Mind you, this is all true even if everything she does is under the direct guidance of respected, knowledgeable and upstanding Rabbis.
Abusers are no different towards their victims than the world towards the Jews – defense is disliked and preemptive offense is met with a fit of rage unlike anything else she might have otherwise been dealt. She is constantly met with the same exact question – How dare you not enable me to continue to hurt you? I want to do whatever I want, with no consequences! How dare you defend yourself! And silently – DON’T YOU KNOW THAT YOU DON’T HAVE THAT RIGHT???
Israel has only two options right now – be “restrained” or defend herself. If she restrains herself, she truly does herself a disservice and puts herself at tremendous risk of future harm. In truth, despite claims of “disproportionate force,” she is truly defending herself in a most restrained manner. But still, she is vilified and called all sorts of terrible things.
Imagine this same abused woman. She also has only two choices – “restraint,” which puts her at continued risk of bodily, emotional and other harm, or to defend herself. And similarly, no matter how hard she tries to defend herself in a most restrained manner, she is vilified and called all sorts of terrible things. No matter what, she loses.
There is one exception to the parallels. Everyone knows about the rockets falling on Sderot, Ashkelon Ashdod. You can minimize it, you can explain it away, surely there are many ways to deny its impact – but the facts remain. The vast majority of victims in the Jewish community don’t have that kind of proof. They have suffered in silence and shame, often specifically trying to cover up their abuse for fear of the retribution both in terms of the community, and more directly, from their abusers directly. On top of everything else the victim takes, they are called liars. Not just disproportionate force, not just no right to defense – but victims are charged with making up the entire thing for their own means. As if they could possibly conceive of such a thing!
But don’t worry, even those with proof face the same denial that Israel receives with the denial of the deadly rocket attacks. And just like the world, most people really don’t want to be reminded of the proof that they do have, either. It is much nicer and cleaner to just blame the victim, be it Israel or someone who has been abused. All sorts of messy realities don’t have to be faced that way.
And so, when the victim needs the community the most, they wipe their hands of this uncomfortable situation. Their very existence and the reality of their experiences stand starkly in the face of a community that does not want to see. I don’t have to compare this to the indifference of the world in face of continued attacks against Jews, both now and in the past – I hope it is clear.
Even more, more often than not they fall right into the hands of the oh-so-perfect abuser, who thrives on his (forgive me, but this one is pure statistics – while there are women who abuse, the vast majority of abusers are men) Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde two-facedness – looking like the perfect tzaddik to the community, with a dark side only those without the easy power to defend themselves see. He uses his reputation in the community as another weapon with which to hurt the victim, launching a slander campaign on the basis that “I couldn’t have done such a thing – they must by lying.” Often times, abusers even come with their own laundry lists of supposed crimes they were subjected to, twisted and turned into something unrecognizable from truth in their efforts to rationalize their behavior in their own mind.
If the community is not so perfect with the laws of lashon hara, evil speech (which includes the categories of true information that is negative, slander, repeating negative information, and hurtful words), these “facts” are then circulated around the community. The victim is then faced not only with direct retribution from their abuser – but a complete onslaught of slander from the people they look to for refuge and a betrayal which completely re-traumatizes them. They are caught in a total war of words. If the victim again chooses restraint and does not volley back in their own defense – as in general is required by Jewish law – it quickly becomes a one-sided barrage of “word rockets” that is virtually impossible to withstand. Like many Jews in the south of Israel, and a few years ago in the North of Israel – victims become refugees, often running from their homes and communities altogether, and just as often forced to remain from other circumstances that prevent their escape.
OK, now I’m sure you’re thinking this doesn’t really happen, and if it does, it just isn’t that common. I’m sad to report that it happens everywhere, in every community. I speak from experience. The people in my own community who would read this letter would never believe this happened right down the street from them, if they would believe it happened at all. I once sat at a dinner dedicated to domestic violence in the Jewish community, and I wanted to get on a chair and scream “That theoretical woman everyone is talking about – I am sitting right next to you!!!” I am not alone – not even close.
This war is fought day in and day out, across the world. Except in this war, our names are not put on prayer lists, and our faces are not on websites. No one donates a pizza to cheer us up, or sends us a note of support. As I just explained, often it is the exact opposite. We face the onslaught huddled in a virtual bunker, with our small, much appreciated support network around us.
I am not in any way trying to minimize the pain of the Jews in the south of Israel. Their pain, terror, trauma and fear is no different, although it comes from a different source. We must feel the pain of those Jews in real bunkers, with 15, 30, 60 seconds to run for cover. But we must also feel the pain of the Jews in our midst who are facing their own war, alone. We must understand that the same denial used against us by the world and the media, is the same denial too often thrown towards the Jew down the street from us.
Such small things mean so much – a phone call to see if the person is OK, an invitation to a Shabbat meal, a batch of cookies, a hug, some words of encouragement. You don’t have to get “involved” and it doesn’t have to cost money, just some thought. Usually, these people are crying for help but uncomfortable asking, not wanting to “lose it” in public but dropping subtle hints, hoping someone will notice – keeping your ears and eyes peeled for signs of emotional pain can mean the difference. They don’t want to impose, but they need the help and are so grateful for the tiniest sign of support – even just someone who will talk to them about nothing, who doesn’t turn away and ignore them.
If we can fight this denial from within and without, and come together in support of those who have been hurt, wherever they are and whatever the source of their travail, Hashem will see that we are pursuing justice for the oppressed. Perhaps, middah k’neged middah, Hashem will pursue justice for all of the Jewish people, and bring us the complete redemption, when there will be no more war, abuse, pain or suffering, soon and in our days.
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