Don’t be Perfect

So I’m lying in bed at 10:45 PM, eating my fourth yogurt of the day. I don’t understand why I had to eat four yogurts today. And why am I eating in bed, so late at night? I know that’s one of the best ways to gain weight. And, the food rots all night in your stomach. Yuck. Even I wouldn’t buy that 2-for-1 deal. Except that I really am.

I’ve fallen off the no-carb bandwagon in a bad way. I’ve done a complete 180, and now I’m on the carbo-loading/see food diet. The strange thing is that I still don’t eat a lot of bread, except on Shabbat, and I still eat overpriced, bad-smelling gluten-free pasta. I don’t know why, but when I cook it, it smells like a wet dog. Not very appetizing, but I eat it anyway. The kids are too busy fighting to notice the wet dog smell. Maybe they think that’s how pasta is supposed to smell. Or maybe they think it’s one of their brothers that smells.

Here’s a typical example of where my gluten-loving yetzer gets me: at the same moment that I’m stuffing my face with leftover marble cake from Shabbat, some annoying voice desperately calls out to me from deep in the marble cake pit and tells me that I shouldn’t be eating the cake. I still haven’t figured out if the pit is in my stomach or in my brain. I guess it doesn’t really make a difference, because I just tell it to shut up and drown.

The problem is, it doesn’t listen. The voice gets louder and louder, as do my repeated shut up’s and threats, until I stop eating, or the cake is finished – which, coincidentally, always happens at exactly the same time. I’m some kind of talent.

When I look down at the few crumbs that are left, I feel very guilty that I allowed myself to indulge in so many calories. I wallow in my guilt as I repeatedly press my index finger into those last few crumbs and shove them in my mouth. Mmm, mmm. Why did I finish off the last crumbs? Wasting food is, like, a huge transgression in a Jewish house.

You see, it’s not enough that I’m spoiling my girlish figure. The real problem is that I’m adding guilt to the fun, which is consequently spoiling all the fun.

Guilt is a strange thing. It doesn’t usually stop us from transgressing, even though we feel bad about doing what we know is wrong. Worse yet, it lingers on for a loooong time afterward. I mean, it’s bad enough that the calories are going to stick to my waist; why does the guilt have to get a free ride, too?

I’ll tell you the problem with guilt. It makes us believe that we’re on a higher level than we really are. Feeling guilty is a sign that we are actually delusional neurotics, because we have unrealistic expectations of ourselves. Whenever we don’t meet our impossible expectations, we become disgusted with ourselves because we think we should have been better than that.

You think the evil inclination is done messing with us? Ha! I’ll tell you another one of his secrets. Unrealistic expectations and guilt completely enslave us. Let’s get back to my marble cake example. If I’m on a diet because I want to keep my 19-year-old figure, I’m a slave to the diet. I can’t enjoy eating what I like, and I’m constantly trying to fight temptation and feeling miserable because of it. If I resume eating like a piggy again, I can’t enjoy what I eat because I’m too preoccupied watching the love handles pop right back out like an inner tube around my waist. It’s a no-win situation any way you look at it.

So here’s what I think. Take that yetzer and shove his face in a big piece of chocolate cake with fudge icing and a scoop of vanilla on top. Hold his face in it until he suffocates and dies. What a great obituary that would be. Cause of death: asphyxiation by chocolate cake.

Hashem created each of us with a unique set of strengths and weaknesses. We’re simply supposed to capitalize on our strengths and work on strengthening our weaknesses. No one said we have to reach beyond our natural abilities. If we’re meant to do that, Hashem will help us get there. Let’s focus on being happy with what Hashem gave us, because we know He only wants what’s best for us.

Bottom line: don’t be perfect. Be the best version of you. That’s what Hashem wants from you; nothing more, nothing less. Now, I’m going to try not to beat myself up over the half a jar of Pringles I just ate as I finished this article.eli@breslev.co.il