Mr. Clean

* “Mr. Clean” who requests to remain anonymous

Dear Rabbis Shalom Arush and Lazer Brody,

Over the past 10 years I have made some incredible changes in my life. I grew up in the states and really had nothing to do with religion. In fact I was on the completely opposite side of what you refer to as purity. My main profession at the time was being a model. I did had a dream job. Surrounded by model women, great money and tons of perks I had no problems. But at the time I had no idea how much damage I was doing to my soul. I’d be dating a different woman every other week. I also had no problem looking at all of the lewd websites out there. This is how I spent my life for 5 years.

A number of events happened to me which drew me to Judaism. I even converted and now live in Israel. But throughout the whole process of becoming religious and doing commandments, my desire for women didn’t go away. I was literally in the synagogue but in my mind I had flashbacks of all the clubs I went to in the past. In addition, walking down the street was like a kid in a candy store. There I was with kippa and tzitzit, but checking out every girl that passed by. I slowly began to realize that something was off. But I still was rationalizing that I’m not doing anything other than looking.

Luckily by a miracle I somehow got a hold of some emuna CD’s, namely Eyes of Holiness and A Clean Brain. These CD’s really gave me the push to enter a new world. Before I was looking at every girl. Like a shark that smells blood a mile away I noticed girls everywhere and it drove me crazy. But after following the advice in the CDs, my life has changed forever.

It started by listening and applying the message to guard one’s eyes from lustful images. I had already been to a few yeshivas and had never once heard any Rabbi talk about this. Suddenly it made sense to me, given my background with seeing porno and being with other women that I should try this.

In the beginning I felt so weird. There would be a situation where I had to look away and I felt like I was literally uprooting out a redwood tree from the earth with my own hands. At other times I noticed that when I tried to look away an enormous magnetic force was pushing me to look at the girl. This went on and on, but I was becoming more aware that this needed more attention.

Then about six years ago I started watching Rav Brody’s classes and he taught in the name of Rav Shalom Arush that for a person to clean himself he needs to pray. Here I was trying to guard my eyes on my own natural power, an impossible feat. Now the Rabbis were saying that I needed to add God into the mix and beg him for His help, because to defeat a natural bad habit, we need to go above nature and so I did- through prayer!

They said that for 30 minutes a day a guy should pray only on this. Ten minutes for gratitude to God that we are first of all trying to get out of this in the 21^st century, an amazing achievement in itself. Ten minutes for an accounting, if we saw anything that day like a married woman or a lewd advertisement and to ask for forgiveness. The final 10 minutes are for requesting a clean day.

So I became very determined in this. I’d go out for an hour and pray for myself and for all the Jewish men to be successful in becoming clean. In the beginning I did this half-heartedly. Only sometimes doing 30 minutes on this topic and sometimes not doing it at all. I saw a little change, which was great but nothing dramatic. The most motivating factor was suddenly I met my wife and I know it is in merit of starting to work on this!

I still had a lot of work to do. But about a year ago I heard Rav Arush say that this issue is something that stays with a man until his last day. As a result he said to us that every day we need to put this time in. Since then I have taken it to heart and to action.

Today I am a completely different man, I try to make sure that not a day goes by without me doing personal prayer about this. Sometimes I go on my roof, sometimes I am in my living room, and sometimes I’m just walking down the street. No matter where I am, I make this 30 minute session happen. And as a former porno addict, male model and whatever I am a living miracle. I am clean. I didn’t grow up frum (religious) and I didn’t grow up with any desire for holiness. But if I can escape that world and now live a near clean life ANYONE CAN!!!

There have been times where I have needed to go to work meetings or conferences where hundreds of women are. There have been times when I have needed to go to weddings or other family events where the challenge is so hard, but through the consistency of doing the 30 minutes. I have gone through thousands of challenges and been successful. I’m not saying that I have perfected myself, but the difference between where I am now is phenomenal to where I was.

As a man who had ping pong eyes looking from here to there and feeling lusts and evil desires for this and that. Today I can honestly tell you that not only do I guard my eyes, but on a good day I don’t even feel anything pulling me to look. Not only that, but even if I fall and mistakenly see something, my body’s reaction is almost nullified, meaning I don’t feel anything for her. Talk about above nature!!!  

Rav Arush and Rav Brody, thanks for making me a person and helping me reveal the true me. It’s my prayer that anyone who reads this article will take it to heart and know without a doubt that results do come with consistency, patience and honesty. May God bless you both and all those who spread Emuna.

With gratitude,

Mr. Clean