The Selfish Streak

One of the key ways we can see how much we are really in control of our own thoughts and decisions is to look at how much we think about ourselves, and how much we think about the people around us. There is a constant tension, or even conflict, in our minds between our own self-interest and thinking about others.

We may have a fairly good grip on our conscious mind, and be consciously encouraging ourselves to be more giving, more patient, more generous etc. But even if we have a conscious mind like a steel trap, our unconscious mind is a much easier target for the Evil One to infiltrate, especially when we are asleep. Our thoughts are the Evil Inclination’s favorite battleground. He is always looking for new ways and new ploys to get us discouraged, miserable, depressed and angry, and to take actions that aren’t aligned with our conscious desire to do good and to “live” our Torah way of life. And the best way he can do that is to try and slip into our unconscious mind.

So how can we stop the Evil One’s sneaky attacks and negative mind games? In Emuna Coaching and Therapy, we have the methodology that includes something that secular psychology leaves out, namely, morality. This means that we make the focus “other people”, rather than exclusively ourselves. Maybe this sounds counter-intuitive; after all, Hillel the Elder wrote in The Ethics of our Fathers: “If I am not for myself, then who will be for me?” Who ever heard of doing therapy to try and help other people!?

But focusing on others is actually one of the biggest kindnesses we can do for ourselves, in a number of ways. Over the years, I’ve worked with plenty of elderly people, and it’s been very striking to see the enormous difference in the quality of life of people, oftentimes religious people, who have spent their entire lives focused on doing for and giving to others. These people are usually more mentally stable than their “self-focused” peers, and they’ve definitely had more fulfilling lives. When G-d sees people who are trying to be givers, He in turn gives them more joy and satisfaction from their lives.

So even for the very selfish reason that we want to live happy, fulfilled lives, it’s better to be selfless than selfish. OK, maybe you’re thinking that it’s easier said than done. When we’ve been focusing exclusively on what we want, and on what we think we need, it can seem quite daunting to try to switch gears and to start looking outwards more, at what we can be doing for others. But once we put G-d in the picture, it’s actually very simple. All we have to do is ask G-d to help us be a giving, selfless person, like this: “G-d, please help me to be less selfish, and to feel as though I don’t need to worry about my own issues. Help me to focus on my child, or my spouse, or my friend, or whoever it is, and to try to make their needs my priority.” A person who says this in a truthful, simple, honest way, even in a childlike way, will undoubtedly receive a lot of Heavenly help.

There’s a famous story from the last months of Rebbe Nachman’s life. The Rebbe was already dangerously sick with the tuberculosis that was going to claim his life, when his little grandson came to visit him. The Rebbe saw the boy running around, and asked him to pray for his recovery. The boy saw that the Rebbe was wearing a watch, and he told his Grandfather that if he gave him his watch, he’d pray for him.  He got the watch, and the boy got very serious, and he said: “G-d, please make my Grandfather healthy!” Some of the onlookers smiled at this “childish” prayer, but Rebbe Nachman said that’s how we all need to pray: simple, straight from the heart, with honesty, and a true desire to change, and to receive the blessing we’re asking for.

When we start to pray honestly like this, we can be assured that we are praying a good prayer, that G-d loves. He’ll stop everything to listen to a prayer that’s coming from a simple person, who is praying truthfully from his heart. And once we start to pray from that true, honest place, personal prayer is easy.

So do you really want to be more selfless, or are you just paying lip-service to all these nice ideas about being a better, kinder, gentler person? G-d can see if we really want the things we are asking for. He can see that really, we’re still not all there yet, and that part of us just wants to carry on thinking about…us! There’s no hiding from G-d. We have to be honest, and tell Him exactly where we’re holding. We have to own up to the fact that we still have a fairly sizeable selfish streak, and then ask G-d to help us to get that selfish part more in line with what He wants.