A Good Point

My EI (evil inclination) has been thumping on me pretty good lately.

“Look at how poorly you’ve been doing in this area of life and that area of life!”

“Shouldn’t you be spending more time studying?”

“You lose your patience every day! You’re making no progress in this area – in fact, I think you may even be getting worse!”

“You know what you’re supposed to do – why don’t you do it? I’ll tell you why – you’re not strong enough!”

Some days I think my EI is a middle school bully who enjoys pointing out all of my flaws and insinuating that if I were just better, or had more self-control, or managed my time more efficiently, or or or……. then I would achieve whatever it is I’m striving after. And, on the days that he convinces me of this and I’m emotionally on the ground in tears he then points and laughs with a high pitched “Ha Ha! You’re not even strong enough to handle the truth of your inabilities!”

I stood outside staring at the snow covered trees and bluebird sky. My breath billowed out in visible puffs. I felt as heavy as the burden of snow on the ground. My very spiritual essence felt weighted down with the negative emotions I’d been battling the past few days.

Cautious of the terms “everything” and “nothing” and “always” and “never”, I tend to know when I’m exaggerating when I start to use these words in my self-talk. I’d been using them a lot the last few days and somehow convinced myself that nothing I was striving for in life was worthwhile, that everything I was trying to do was failing, that I’ll never achieve my spiritual goals or figure out my mission in life, and that I always fail at all my goals. Yeah, that’s some great self-talk there – thanks EI.

I continued to gaze at the trees. Everything seemed so quiet. Silently I cried out, hoping that the trees would join me in my prayer. I needed something to grasp onto – everything in my life seemed to be going in opposite directions and nothing seemed to be going in the right direction. There’s that everything and nothing again. I knew it was a lie but it was so convincing that I couldn’t see the truth through the darkness.

And then my prayer was answered as I suddenly remembered the story of the assistance Caleb and Phineas received from Rahab.

At first I couldn’t understand what this story had to do with my current situation. And then, Hashem gave me this insight – imagine what Rahab’s life was like up until the point she decided to help Caleb and Phineas in their efforts to spy on the land. She was a prostitute for forty years, which means that majority of those days were most likely spent in less than savory actions. But this one point, her decision to assist the spies and cling to Hashem, was a launching point from which she could do great good. Her entire life was changed for the good from that moment onward.

So yes, perhaps I have a lot of growing to do in so many areas that it can seem overwhelming. However, if I focus on a good point, if I am thankful for the 10 minutes I was able to stay focused in prayer, if I am grateful for the situation in which I held my tongue and kept my patience – then those areas are the ones, Hashem willing, that will expand. And from that good point, from that place of gratitude to Hashem, my EI can be silenced and my ever growing desire to cling to my Creator and to know Him can change my entire life for the good.

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Jennifer invites you to participate in a regularly held Noahide on-line study group that reviews the garden series books of Rabbi Arush. You can contact her at jenniferjwoodward@gmail.com to be added to the weekly newsletter for dates and times. Visit the blog at noahidenews.blogspot.com