Just to be outright frank, there is no way I can shake the feeling of a "special calling" upon my life to do great works for G-d!
When I was 5, G-d revealed Himself to me. I became aware of Him. I did not come up under religious parents at all but was later influenced by an Aunt and Uncle. My parents mistreated me pretty bad when I was growing up until 17 the state took me out of the home and this same aunt and uncle who had no children and gave me some sort of religion (Christianity), adopted me. During those horrible years of being locked in my room, I would cling to G-d, or what little I knew of Him. I knew somehow that He was with me. At 9, I had another encounter with Him while I was home alone and never before seeing anything like this, I remember repenting of all my sins that I could think of and raising my hands, weeping asking for forgiveness and worshiping G-d! Something happened to me that day, because when I got up from my kitchen table, I somehow felt changed and physically the way the sun shone in the windows on the walls looked brighter, everything looked brighter! The only way I can describe it, is I felt empowered!
Shortly after, I was baptized in the Baptist church and my aunt and uncle who would pick me up and take me to church gave me a Bible. I was told that now I had to pray and read my Bible daily. Well, that was easier said than done! I did not know how to pray nor did I know how to understand my Bible. I remember opening up my Bible and always going to the book of Psalms because they made the most sense to me. I would lay open my Bible on my lap or my bed and since I was alone a lot, I would weep and weep and cry out to G-d to show me how to pray and teach me how to understand my Bible. I had overwhelming emotional pain during the years of my abuse, so much that I would beg G-d to let me die! One day when I was 10, I opened up my Bible and it fell open to the book of Psalms 27:10 which said, "When my father and mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up"! WOW! I realized that at that moment that He had spoken to me, specifically about my situation and that He was taking it upon Himself to raise me, since I knew I literally wasn't being raised by my parents.
G-d blessed me with an incredible singing voice, but it was birthed through much pain! When I was left alone, which was quite a lot, I would sing and cultivate my voice, singing all sorts of types of music (now today I can sing any style of music), I felt like David, singing music is the only thing that would soothe me at the time. Especially when I would sing songs to G-d, I would get chills, I realize now that I was feeling G-d's divine presence very close to me. This brought healing to my soul. After age 17 I went on to traveling and singing gospel music and did so for 17 years. In those years of while I would sing, I saw people weep many many times. I've watched people fall to their knees weeping and worshiping G-d. I've seen people weeping and shouting and dancing with their hands raised to G-d. I have even been told by numerous people that while I was singing they were healed of physical ailments! None of this, I know, had nothing to do with me, I would just close my eyes, open my mouth and G-d was there. My speaking voice is just a small country sounding voice but my singing is nothing like that. It is VERY loud and fills a whole room, no matter how big the room! People often tell me that they never knew that voice was in me. Ha ha. I'm not meaning to sound like I am not humble because I am very humbled that G-d would choose to give me this awesome gift. I am sharing this with you so you can see what I mean about G-d's hand being upon me for something great!
Around age 18 I started having an insatiable appetite for G-d's word. I read it every day just about, never able to get enough and I am still like this to this very day. I am now 37. I've read the Bible, I don't know how many times, and every book I could get my hands on to help me grow. I've always felt alone as far as people go but yet when I am around people I'm quite liked and popular but feel so different and well, no other words to describe it but, set apart. I have been a sort of counselor for people for years, but I've never seemed to have anybody that was a counselor to me, just my L-rd! It's been a lonely journey as far as people go.
I keep a "prayer" journal, I will call it, have for many years. I don't write in it every day like I used to, but do from time to time when I feel it's important to write something about my journey down. What I write in these journals is my thoughts and prayers to G-d about myself and others and situations and even moved on a step further. What I felt like the L-rd was saying to me in the form of an answer to my prayers or an encouragement. About 11 years ago, I wrote that He told me, "I will establish you". I wasn't quite sure what that meant. Well, after that, I went through a whirlwind of personal what seemed to be tragedies! I know that everything is for my good but it's been a hard row to hoe! In 2004 I started going through a "transition" spiritually, just about everything I thought I knew from studies has seemed to be turned upside down! I went on a search which is how I ended up studying Judaism. (By the way, I just read "Garden of Emuna." I love it, and so relate!, I have been living by Emuna most of my life, I just didn't really know what it was and the book really "tweaked" a few subjects for my understanding).
Also, my singing fizzled and has been that way since 2004. I have a desire to still sing but wonder why on earth, I'm not singing in the public anymore. I feel like I'm wasting this talent that G-d gave me to help people, but trust that G-d is in control and maybe one of these days He will open some sort of door for me so I'm not too worried about it. I felt Him leading me to quit my job back in November to spend more time with Him and in my studies and it's been wonderful and I'm very much at peace with this decision, but honestly, I feel He is preparing me for something big, I just don't know what! Right now, I would appear to some as just a "measly" housewife. I know that is not so because I talk to G-d all throughout the day and I take my housework and wifely (I'm also raising a 14 year old stepdaughter) and motherly duties very seriously. I strive very hard to do my cleaning and cooking and everything I do really, with a spirit of excellence, to the best of my abilities and most important of all I do it all as unto the L-rd! My husband and stepdaughter have no type of religion at all so, once again, I'm all alone in this thing! Just me and G-d! As I mentioned to you before, I am a Gentile, a Woman and I totally believe like a Jew! However, I feel like somehow, I am going to have to go back to the Christians to teach them how to have a deep, truly meaningful relationship with G-d! To mother the babies, if you will!
I constantly have dreams too, quite vivid dreams. One recently, to make a long story short, I got on an Ark (like Noah's Ark) with what I perceived a Rabbi with a long beard, but I realized it was Noah himself, and he was beckoning me to come aboard. My soul told me that it was Noah himself who was accepting me as a Noahide. There was a window that I could see outside of and see the water rising and I was crying because there were no people out there trying to get into the ark. I was so broken hearted for those people that didn't make it in and all the people on the ark with me (I saw all races of people) they seemed unconcerned at all about those people and it broke my heart that they weren't concerned.
You see, that’s my special calling. I have to get people concerned and to pull them on the ark of the 7 Noahide commandment, otherwise they’ll drown in the cruel waters of a non-believing world. We can’t let that happen – one flood was enough. May G-d richly and abundantly bless you!