Bye Bye, Comfort Zone

My twenties to thirties was the decade of extroverted apparent success: I threw lots of parties, I socialised like crazy, I worked like a dog, I started my own business, I had lots of friends and money.
 
My thirties to forties was the decade of introverted apparent failure: I couldn't hold down a job any more, I lost touch with most people, I spent more and more time by myself, at home, reading and praying and thinking, and mostly feeling like I'd run out of energy.
 
Then a little while back, G-d sent me a present: I got really ill. The 'low energy' I've had for a decade turned into 'no energy' just before Passover, and I truly started to feel like there had to be something seriously wrong, G-d forbid.
 
That situation sparked off a whole lot of teshuva and soul-searching, and it also got me to visit a G-d fearing naturopath who told me in no uncertain terms that I was withering away, spiritually and physically.
 
I had to stop thinking so much, eat seaweed, and start doing things that were fun. Like walking on the beach; like dancing in the garden at sunrise; like singing happy songs. I also had to let go of a whole lot of massive grudges I was holding against people, both consciously and unconsciously, because most of my body's energy was being tied up fighting these 'imaginary' wars against people I didn't like very much.
 
It was a tall order, but I knew it was coming from Hashem. I started to see that I'd been very resistant to letting go of certain negative ideas, both about myself and about others, and that He'd made me ill in order to finally get me to come round to His way of seeing things.
 
One of the things He made me see is that I actually like (most) people, and I like being around (most) people. After almost a decade of being a loner, that was a shocking revelation. Then, He gave me another heads-up: my life is ALWAYS going to be interesting. I might like the idea of being a 'normal' person, living a 'normal' quiet life somewhere 'normal', but that's just not the blue-print G-d has for me.
 
G-d didn’t want me to be a successful business person, a well-paid journalist, a popular writer, a stay-at-home mum, a published author – even though I've put so much effort into finding some sort of 'normal' role to play the last 20 years.
 
Whatever I did, whatever I hoped would finally bring me some peace and quiet, and inner peace, and healthy 'success' that would help me pay my mortgage and also live my life with G-d, it just hasn't worked out that way. It's always been complicated, stressful, difficult. And if the issues weren't coming from the outside – crazy people, enforced moves, difficult situations, money problems – then they've come from the inside: fear, issues with my kids, my husband, depression and anxiety.
 
The penny finally dropped this week that I've been struggling so much because I haven't been doing the job G-d specifically designed me for, namely to be a spiritually-inclined, book-a-holic extrovert who loves Rebbe Nachman and also loves sushi (but marginally less…)
 
I've been finding it so hard to find my niche in life, because I kept approaching the question of 'what am I meant to be doing in life' in a very limited way. G-d showed me in no uncertain terms, that He wanted me to move to Jerusalem, and to start giving lots of classes for English speaking women with a Breslev bent.
 
He gave me that idea more than a year ago, but I completely ignored Him. "G-d, I'm an introvert, leave me alone! G-d, I just want a quiet life…trying to build a community like that is really hard work…G-d, I just want to read books, and buy clothes, and day-dream about Moshiach coming…"
 
G-d showed me that I had it all wrong. The reason I ran out of energy is because I haven't been doing what He created me to do; I haven't been doing the job He tailor-made for me.
 
I am absolutely petrified of coming out of my comfort zone (even though I've been pretty miserable there for years) and doing what G-d wants. But the illness was the last straw. If I'm not using my energy and strength and talents for the reasons G-d gave them to me, then G-d was kind of saying, 'what's the point of having them?'
 
I've finally realized that all my extroverted hard work and socialising wasn't bad; and that all my introverted introspection and secluded meditation wasn't bad – just I need to be doing both together to be really happy, and to be really 'me'. And once I'm really 'me', doing the job G-d tailor-made me for, I just know that every other area of my life, including my mortgage, is finally going to fall into place.
 
 
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You're welcome to visit Rivka Levy's personal website at http://www.emunaroma.com