Heart of Stone
Dead hearts. Hearts of stone. Don’t worry - those hearts can be rehabilitated; they can be saved; and the patient – us – can be restored to complete health...
In Jewish liturgy and prayer, we read a lot of things about hearts of stone. In various places, we beg Hashem to ‘circumcise our hearts’, and remove the impenetrable spiritual barrier that appears to separate us from Him. In others, we ask Hashem to remove our heart of stone, and give us a heart of flesh in its place.
I remember reading something along these lines a few years’ back, and thinking to myself that a heart of flesh was a dangerous liability. A heart of flesh is fragile; bruisable; easy to hurt. It seemed back then that it was a wiser decision to go with the heart of stone, because it could endure a lot more of the terrible pain and darkness that modern life seems to entail.
Of course, this was before I started to learn about emuna. Before I started to learn about emuna, most of my life revolved around ‘pain management’, at least subconsciously. People disappoint you. Things go sour. The novelty wears off. Something’s always waiting to get you.
When you live life far from Hashem, these feelings are all too common. It was simply too painful to walk around with a heart of flesh, and have it trodden on five times a day. So I made a concerted effort to ‘toughen up’. To ‘not take things so personally’. To ‘develop a tough skin’ – or rather, a tougher heart.
And it kind of worked. I learnt that by keeping my distance from people (even the ones I loved the most), and telling myself that I didn’t really care about things (even though that was usually a lie), life got more manageable.
Was it enjoyable? Heck no. Underneath it all, I knew I was fibbing to myself. I knew that instead of dealing with reality, I was actually trying to avoid it, and that caused even more deep-seated anxiety and pain, which meant that I had to go through a whole other level of ‘toughening up’. But I didn’t really know what else to do.
Until I found out about emuna. Then, a light suddenly went on, and I realised that if I could find a way of connecting to G-d, of somehow getting myself and my family under His wing, then I wouldn’t need a heart of stone anymore.
But acquiring a heart of flesh, and re-sensitising, has been a very painful process. I used to ponder why it had to be so difficult, until I realised a little while back that really, it couldn’t be any other way.
It’s similar to what happens to a victim of frost-bite. If the fingers or toes are completely black and dead, there is simply no sensation – and no choice but to amputate them. But if they can be saved, the process of ‘defrosting’ them is excruciatingly painful.
So now, you tell me: would you prefer permanent mutilation, but no short-term pain? Or a lot of pain – for a short time – and then to be back as a whole person, in perfect health?
The spiritual calculation is no different. So many of us are walking around with hearts of stone. Hearts that are deaf to the needs of our spouses and children. Hearts that are blind to the pain that we inadvertently cause others. Hearts that simply can’t feel our own suffering and longing for Hashem, and that can’t even begin to love ourselves, let alone other people.
Dead hearts. Hearts of stone. But those hearts can be rehabilitated; they can be saved; and the patient – us – can be restored to complete spiritual, emotional and physical health. But it’s going to hurt.
If we see this pain as pointless, or worse, cruel, then it can be unbearable. Then it can feel like torture. But if we understand that the Physician of All Flesh, the Master of the World, is battling to save us, then it takes on a whole new complexion. We are willing to endure the pain, because we know it’s temporary; and because we know that it’s simply the outcome of our hearts, and souls, being defrosted.
When you have a heart of flesh, the sound of your kids laughing is the most amazing sound in the world. When you have a heart of flesh, you can see that your spouse made you a cup of tea, and more, that they only reason they did that is because they love you.
When you have a heart of flesh, you can smell Jasmine and mint in your garden, and appreciate that you are being given a small, but wonderful, gift from your Creator. All of sudden, you can ‘feel’ things that you stopped noticing years ago. Good things, like the concern and love of your parents; like the fact that you always have food to put on the table.
People with a heart of flesh notice that they are surrounded by people who do kindnesses for them every day, from the man who pressed the button in the lift to the friend who brought over a cake for Shabbat, or the toddler who gives you a wet, slobbery kiss.
But what about the pain, I hear you ask? Sure, you can feel all the ‘nice’ stuff – but that also means that you can feel the pain again, too. You’re right. But look at it like this: even after a person has a part of themselves amputated, they still feel it. It’s common knowledge that amputees experience ‘phantom pains’ in the parts of their body that are no longer there.
So don’t kid yourself that you can’t feel pain with a heart of stone. The truth is, pain is all you can feel.
Rabbi Nachman was not called the ‘Doctor of the soul’ for no reason; his teachings are the fastest way to dissolve a heart of stone, and replace it with a heart of flesh. An hour a day of hitbodedut, of talking to Hashem, is simply the easiest and quickest cure there is.
It won’t be a pain-free process, especially initially. What major operation is? Hashem is replacing a ‘dead’ spiritual organ with something alive and pulsating. It’s complicated; it’s life-or-death; it’s time consuming – and it’s the best thing that could ever happen to you.
6/06/2010
Lev Basar = Breslev And not to mention that Breslev has the same letters as the hebrew expression Lev Basar: Heart of Flesh…
No wonder Rabbi Nachman was the doctor of the soul. He was also amazing with words and used their interplay within all of the Torah to reveal it’s hidden meanings to us: no wonder such a wonderful writer such as yourself has such a special connection to his teachings…
6/06/2010
And not to mention that Breslev has the same letters as the hebrew expression Lev Basar: Heart of Flesh…
No wonder Rabbi Nachman was the doctor of the soul. He was also amazing with words and used their interplay within all of the Torah to reveal it’s hidden meanings to us: no wonder such a wonderful writer such as yourself has such a special connection to his teachings…