Izzy

After practicing psychotherapy for more than 30 years, I thought I had heard it all – that was, until I met Izzy. Her story of courage shows us that with emuna, even the darkest of circumstances can be transformed into light. 
 
Like many abused children, Izzy dealt with the horror of her life by hiding behind a "mask" – she needed to make believe that nothing bad had happened to her. In the end, it was only emuna that provided a reason for her to uncover and face the truth of what happened and to set her life straight.
 
When Izzy was six years old, she made the "mistake" of yelling at her mother. When her father got home he said "go to your room, strip off all your clothes and wait in bed." Izzy was terrified. She knew that something "really bad" was going to happen. That was the first of many times she was raped by her father.
 
Izzy's mother also wore a mask and so she didn't "see" what was going on.  This was how she had "survived" the abuse of her own father. Izzy calls her parents Mr. and Mrs. Egypt. "Mom and Dad" are words that she cannot pronounce. "Mrs. Egypt was repulsed by me. She would become furious if I touched her or got too close." To others, Izzy's family looked "normal," but the first time that Izzy knew what it was like to be held in a loving way was by a nurse in the hospital.
 
In the 1970's, child abuse was less talked about. Izzy was put into rooms with other children. There were toys and candy there but they weren't allowed to touch the toys or take any of the candies. The men were frightening and mean. Only when the children stripped, would the men become "nice" –  then they could play with the toys and eat the candy.  Some men were "affectionate" – at those times, she desperately wanted to believe that the affection was real.
 
For years Izzy was taken places where men paid money to do whatever they wanted to children. She was passed around. Films were made of her. Some of those films were violent: "if we cried or resisted, they would threatened to hurt another kid. Once Mr. Egypt pointed his gun at my dog. He acted like he was joking but he killed my dog before my eyes.
 
Izzy was always suicidal but nobody would have known it. She had a teacher in junior high school who asked her if she was being abused by her parents. Of course she denied it. Her denial "worked" until she became a mother. As her own daughter grew up, Izzy was reminded of what had happened to her. It wasn't until this point that she developed psychological symptoms. "I started having lots of flashbacks but there was still no way to face the truth of what happened without G-d."
 
Izzy's husband was also abusive. After the divorce, she and her daughter fled to a safe house program.
 
Izzy received lots of therapy over the years. All of her therapists were warm and compassionate people. "It was helpful to be cared for by a therapist who models kindness –  but this can only go so far – it can't get you where you need to go." Izzy said that she wanted her psychotherapists to speak to her about faith. She yearned to come to terms with her fears and sadness at their root but couldn't. "My ultimate healing was to reconnect to Hashem and my mission.  EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) therapy was able to reduce my triggers, but what did it matter if I wasn't really healed and was not getting the vital tools I needed  and a reason to recover and go on living."
 
One day Izzy heard from somebody that there was a group leaving to visit the gravesite of Rabbi Nachman of Breslev in the Ukraine. Izzy went to Uman and put a picture of herself as a child above Rabbi Nachman's grave. She saw a copy of the Garden of Emuna there and the book "stuck" in her mind. After Uman, she flew to Israel and met a holy woman at the "wall" who told her all about Rabbi Shalom Arush. When Izzy got home she ordered the Garden of Emuna and read it over and over again – the healing  began.
 
When Izzy met Rabbi Arush it was the first time in her life that she felt safe with a man. She instantly felt his kindness. She knew that he didn't want to "take" anything from her but only wanted to "give." Izzy said that Rabbi Arush told her things that Hashem had been telling her all along. Izzy said that Rabbi Arush confirmed things that had happened to her before she even told them to him. "I didn't have to say anything. He looked at me and said that I had survived a holocaust in this life but that my soul was unblemished and that he would pray for me like I was his daughter. When a really holy person confirms your journey it helps you to accept what happened and heal." She said, "he gave me back my trust in myself and my intuition."
 
Izzy wants people to know that survivors have survived because Hashem has always loved and cherished them and that they have a special job to do in this life if they work on themselves. She said that survivors want truth and wholeness but that emuna is the only way to get it.  She couldn't have faced the truth of what happened to her without emuna because there would have been "no reason to face it – it was too scary without Hashem." But with Hashem she now sees that there was Light in all the "yuk." There are "deep treasures" buried there but a person needs emuna to know that. "I wouldn't  have been able to share my story with you without emuna because I was always threatened to not tell –  but I felt that Hashem was leading me to do this and He took away my fear."
 
Izzy continues to study about emuna. She prays a lot; she gives out books and CD's; and she tries to live her life in the way that Rabbi Arush prescribes. G-d willing Izzy will be moving to Israel in August and learning in a women's seminary for the purpose of undergoing an orthodox conversion. This, she says, will complete the true healing of her soul.