Jealousy Dissected

My friend invited me over to see her new home. Aside from noticing how beautiful her home was, I also noticed her full time cleaning help, her husband with his high paying career, her interesting artwork, unique furniture, beautiful jewelry, designer clothes, clean floors, cute kids, perfect shaitel. And I’ll admit, I was starting to feel a little envious. My emotions were stirring and in the back of my head I heard the lowly, yet familiar cacophony of a distasteful niggun start to drone, “Why does she get to have all this nice stuff? What’s so great about her? What about me? Don’t I deserve a life like this? I work harder than she does! What’s going on around here? This isn’t fair!”

The other day I was toy shopping for my kids. I spent a lot of time checking out the toys and deciding which ones would be most appropriate for which child. When I got home and dispersed the gifts, I anxiously awaited their excited reactions; great big smiles, loud cheers, and endless hours of play with their new toys. But immediately after presenting them with the toys that I worked so hard to pick out, they began looking around, noticing what their siblings got, and getting venomously jealous. It didn’t take long before that same ugly niggun started to croon, “Maaahhhhmmmmeeee,” it began in F minor, “It’s not fair! Why did you give the better one to him? I want that one! Give it to me!”

And at first I was tempted to scream. I wanted to stand up on a podium made of marble, pound my foot on some random drum and yell at the top of my lungs, “What’s wrong with you guys? The toys I chose are exactly right for your age and development. I’ve given each of you what is best for YOU, not what is best for your siblings. What? You think I don’t know what’s best for you? I’M YOUR MOTHER, for crying out loud! I know you guys better than you know yourselves! I see your differences. I understand your needs. So why can’t you just trust me already and accept these gifts with a smile?”

But before I even uttered a word I was magically transported back to my own similar experience of jealousy, my own niggun of envy, my own feelings of ‘there must have been a mistake in the handout department kuz ‘her’s’ should be ‘mine’.” And just having this humbling awareness–that on my own level I am exactly like my kids, I began to think bigger, to see outside of the situation. As a mother, I reasoned, I am, in a very diluted way, akin to G-d in my children’s eyes. They truly believe that I know everything. They think that I am perfect. (I wonder how much longer this will last??) They know that they were born from me. They trust that I will take care of them and grant them everything they need. Being in this “godly” role I feel an awesome responsibility for kiddush Hashem, to teach Truth, and behave fairly.

I know from the depths of my heart that providing each child with something different is not a sign of choosing favorites but rather a sign of choosing what is most appropriate for him or her. Therefore, from my motherly perspective, I see jealousy as absolutely futile. Sure, there is a productive and positive aspect to jealousy as well, but when the receiver is filled with a vengeful vying, I see jealousy as a lack of appreciation and mistrust in the giver. If we believe that the Giver is flawless and has our best interest in mind, which is true, then how is jealousy of that nature even possible?

So I parked myself on the floor with my kids and showed them what was so great about their new toys. I pointed out the different ways in which they could play with their toys in order to get the most enjoyment out of them. And this simple explanatory pitch did the trick; kuz once they realized the brilliance of their gifts, they were grateful to have their toys and not their siblings’…and likewise, I was grateful to have my life, not my friend’s.

Hashem has given me, and all of us, the most perfect and well thought out packages. With emunah and some contemplation, we can see the perfection in it, appreciate it, and enjoy our gifts!