Our Destination
While climbing mountains, we have to be careful of falling rocks or insecure footholds. In like manner, while striving for inner peace, we must...
Section Two – Our Destination
While climbing mountains, we have to be careful of falling rocks or insecure footholds. In like manner, while striving for inner peace, we must beware of recurring anger. In order to reach our emotional and spiritual objectives, we must therefore learn how to cope with recurring anger.
Let's answer the frequently asked questions of inner-peace seekers and spiritual climbers.
Six Critical Questions of People Striving for Emotional and Spiritual Improvement
Question Number One: How do I cope with recurring anger?
The answer to this vital question has two parts: First, the long-term method of dealing with recurring anger; and second, several emergency measures to utilize once anger sets in.
Long-term method of dealing with recurring anger:
a. Review this book until it becomes second nature.
b. Practice the "One-Week Plan": Review the seven points for opening the Gates of Spiritual Awareness (see Chapter Four). In particular:
1. Don't act according to instinct! Stop, compose yourself, and think before you act or speak.
2. Remember that everything that happens to you comes from God. Try to understand what angers you, instead of reacting with anger. By spiritual awareness, you'll defuse violent reactions and increase your understanding.
c. Always have a "pet parameter" from the twenty factors that affect Spiritual Awareness (from the list that comprises the Enhanced Spiritual Awareness workshop, which appear in the second half of Chapter Four) that you're working on. Monitor your progress in a diary. As time progresses, you'll be perfecting your character!
d. Work on the three-stage plan for the prevention of self-induced suffering (see Chapter Six), which includes observation, self-evaluation, and implementation.
Four emergency measures for dealing with recurring anger:
1. Delay tactics – the key to overcoming an anger spasm. Try to postpone anger for a few critical seconds. Anger is dangerous, because it creates a surge of extreme negative emotion from the left side of the heart that catches the brain off guard. As a result, the heart seizes control when the brain should be governing our lives. The surge from the heart doesn't last long in most cases; by delaying anger, the brain regroups its forces, overcomes the heart, and again takes control of decision making. Reacting from the heart is like shooting from the hip – impulsive, badly aimed, and a sure miss. A reasoned brain reaction is like a carefully aimed shot with the aid of a telescopic sight – almost a sure bull's eye.
Delaying the initial surge of anger that attacks us is like delaying the explosion of a bomb. Once the wave of anger passes, we can reactivate our thought processes and remember everything we've learned about anger control. Delaying tactics act like a bomb squad, which neutralizes the time clock of a bomb, until the munitions specialist defuses the bomb altogether. Anger of course, is the bomb. A delay tactic acts like a bomb squad, while our brains are the munitions experts that know how to dismantle the bomb.
The following are examples of how delay tactics work:
Case study: The Bergman[1] family came to me for marital counseling. Paul and Nancy Bergman – childhood sweethearts, by the way – were on the verge of divorce. They both suffered from short fuses; their relationship reminded me of nitric acid and glycerin – put them together, and you get nitroglycerin.
Paul and Nancy needed to strengthen their communication skills, especially their power of listening to each other. They had frequent misunderstandings, like the following:
Paul: Nance, what's for dinner tonight?
Nancy: I made a fantastic broccoli and cheese soufflé…
Paul (neither letting Nancy finish her sentence, nor concentrating on what she said): What, fish two nights in a row? I hate fish two nights in a row!
Nancy (now exploding): Since when does broccoli have fins and scales, dingle brain!
Paul: Who are you calling dingle brain? Your mouth is even nastier than your father's!
Nancy: The nerve of you! You . . .
I'm sure you get the point, dear reader.
I taught them how to treat their relationship like a basketball game; in a critical situation, a coach calls a time out. "Whenever you two feel the first drop of anger," I told them, "call a time out."
Now, here's how the delay tactic works: The two warring parties agree than an argument can't begin until a certain condition is met. In the case of the Bergmans, we decided that Paul must first wear his tuxedo and Nancy her best evening gown. I wrote a document that they both signed, that they may not argue until dressed in formal attire.
At the outbreak of their next argument two days later, they remembered the terms of their agreement, and called a time out. Nancy ran up to her bedroom walk-in closet, and began to get dressed. Paul flew down the stairs to his cedar closet, and went through his suit rack until he found his tuxedo. Thirty minutes later, they met in the living room. Of course, they completely forgot the argument.
Paul looked at Nancy, "Hey, you're gorgeous, sweetheart!"
Nancy returned Paul's smile, "You're kind of suave yourself, handsome!"
They ended up in each other's arms. Gradually, they developed a pattern of listening to each other and mutual understanding. Today, they're simply a pair of turtledoves. Their own parents are astonished at the improvement in their relationship.
With another problematic couple, we wrote an agreement that they must dress up in their Purim costumes before having an argument. The first time they utilized their delay tactics, they laughed so hard that their stomach muscles hurt, and like the Bergmans, ended up in each other's arms.
An anger-prone bank manager took my advice, and agreed not to get angry until he dons his old high school letterman's jacket, which he keeps locked up in a high security safe at the bank. By the time he gets through security and opens the vault, his anger has long subsided.
2. Invoke your powers of compassion. Imagine that you're walking down a busy shopping mall. From behind, someone whacks you over the head with a stick. You're so angry, that you plan to alter the angle of the attacker's nose – a lot faster than a plastic surgeon could. You whip around, fist cocked, and…
A blind man has slipped and fallen on the floor. His cane flew out of his hand, and that's what hit you on the head. You open your clenched fist, the muscles in your arms and legs relax, and your heart melts in compassion for the sightless person. Not only are you no longer angry, you bend down and lovingly, with extreme care, help the blind men to his feet.
If a mentally handicapped child were to stick his tongue out at you, would you be angry? Certainly not; on the contrary, you'd have pity on the child. Invoke your powers of compassion the next time someone angers you. Pretend that they're blind. Many people are blind to the feelings of others; we should feel sorry for them, because such "blind" people are far from happiness in life. Such compassion defuses anger.
3. The Respect Tactic. Imagine that you're in basic training in an elite military unit. During a training exercise, you make a critical mistake that would mean certain death in a combat situation. Your Drill Sergeant, a seasoned, decorated combat veteran, smashes you on the helmet, and gives you the scolding of your life. His voice thunders in your eardrums, "You idiot chunk of fresh meat – if I ever catch you pulling a stunt like that again, I'll send you straight to Viet Nam…" Your face is a bright red, and your ears are ringing. Are you insulted? No. Are you angry? Certainly not. Why? You respect your Sergeant, you know he's right, and you know that he's concerned about your welfare.
The respect tactic works effectively in potential situations of anger against parents, teachers, athletic coaches, employers, and military commanders. When you become angry with people in one of these categories, think of your respect for them, and remember that they care about your welfare.
4. The Unconditional Love Tactic. Imagine that you're in Grand Central Station on a jam-packed Friday afternoon waiting impatiently for your train home for the weekend. Your nerves are frayed from a rough week at work. Suddenly, someone shoves you from behind and almost knocks you over. Your blood rushes to your eyeballs, and you feel like the bull in the Madrid arena that has just seen a red flag. You turn around with a clenched fist, like a bomb ticking in its final seconds before explosion, and…
Your favorite brother or sister, whom you haven't seen for ten whole years, is smiling at you with outstretched arms. You embrace each other. You forgot all about the shove. Your anger melts like dew on a sunny July morning. All you feel is love.
The unconditional love tactic works effectively in family relationships. The next time you begin to feel anger toward your partner in life, close your eyes; think of your lovely moments with your beloved partner. Is the sadistic pleasure of blowing your top worth jeopardizing a lifetime of future happiness together? Of course, not. Try to remember your unconditional love for your spouse and children. If you succeed, your anger will blow over like a wisp of a cloud in a strong wind.
To be continued . . .
[1] Names fictitious, but situation authentic. I had the privilege of counseling the "Bergman" couple.
(The Trail to Tranquility is available in the Breslev Store.)
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