Soul Food

Soul Food, Part 1
 
Last year was a very tough year, spiritually. Every day, Hashem was challenging me with new things, and asking me to really stretch, and stretch my emuna, and to believe in His goodness and compassion. There was so much ‘darkness’ last year because ultimately, it was the vessel that contained so much good: now, thank G-d, I’m in a community that suits me and my family so much better; I faced up to the ‘monster’ that everyone has, and most people never even look (with a LOT of help from Hashem, of course); and spiritually and mentally, I’ve been happier than I ever remember being.
 
But this year, since Sukkot, I’ve had one health issue after another. As I’ve written about elsewhere, it started when I completely ran out of energy and my eyes went funny the day after Sukkot.
 
A lot of my friends were pushing me to go and see a doctor, because they were convinced it was something terribly serious, G-d forbid, and they wanted me to ‘get it dealt with’.
 
I went for an eye test, just to make sure I didn’t have some eye infection, but apart from that, I didn’t go for all the battery of blood tests and sugar tests and thyroid tests and make-it-up-as-you-go-along tests that I knew I’d be asked to do.
 
Why? Because I did a lot of asking G-d what He wanted me to do, and the answer kept coming back that the only ‘test’ I had to worry about was the one He was currently giving me, namely to trust Him that He would let me know what action He required of me. I just had to keep working on my emuna, and be patient.
 
But it was hard. Very hard. Because my eyes didn’t clear up after a couple of days; they stayed funny for weeks. After a couple of weeks, I did some more praying, and I decided to go and see a nutritionist. I knew that I hadn’t been eating properly for years, and I thought that maybe G-d was trying to get me to take the whole ‘physical’ side of life more seriously.
 
I am an extreme person.
 
Since I’ve been in Israel, I’ve let go of so much materialism, so many appetites for ‘stuff’ and for ‘food’ and for ‘enjoyment’. The Rambam writes that the only way you can get to the ‘golden median’ is by first going to the opposite extreme of the behavior you want to fix. And then, after time, you’ll gradually come back to the good place in the middle.
 
So for years I sat up on my mountain in the middle of the West Bank doing six hour prayer sessions, digging my garden and wearing my husband’s old work shirts. It was extremely spiritual. It was extremely intense. It was extremely helpful. But it was extreme, and ‘extreme’ can’t continue for ever.
 
So beginning last year, Hashem started to balance it out, first by moving us into a very nice, very new house; then by giving me back a social life; and now, it seems by getting me to focus on the more physical side of things that I’ve practically ignored for four years solid.
 
And part of that is food. For years, I went ‘off’ food. I ate it, because I have to, but I couldn’t really be bothered with it all, and I’d as soon have a cup of tea than anything ‘proper’.
 
But as the nutritionist explained, I have to make some minimal effort to eat what my body requires. So I tried – and I started to have a lot more energy very quickly after my consultation. But my eyes were still funny. I did a lot of praying about it, and a lot of asking Hashem to heal me, but for weeks, I felt like nothing was happening – and I started to get worried.
 
In the meantime, I went for some ‘routine’ surgery on my lip – which is when I really started to understand just how limited the medical profession really is. After that experience, I realized that even if it was something ‘serious’, G-d forbid, who could really cure it, other than Hashem? I’m a believing person. I talk to G-d a lot. I know He’s the healer of all flesh. Dafka even if it was something ‘serious’, what else would I be doing anyway, except praying more?
 
But it was still a very uncomfortable few months, as a few of my friends kept berating me for being ‘irresponsible’ and not dealing with my health. I thought about it a lot, I prayed about it a lot, and I realized that a lot of my friends really believe that doctors are G-d. You go, you get the magic pill, the treatment, the operation, the radiation, and you live happily ever after. But we all know it’s not that simple.
 
I prayed and prayed about it: G-d! Am I being irresponsible? I believe I can deal direct with You; I believe that you’ll tell me if I need to do something, you’ll give me that inclination. If you want me to go and get checked out by a doctor, please let me know…
 
The response I always got back was ‘be patient and wait it out’. So I did. But in the meantime, I switched to a much healthier diet, and I started to make an effort to eat enough of the right stuff at the right times.
 
Then, my ears went funny. For a month, I couldn’t hear properly, and that, combined with the funny eyes, sent my evil inclination into a frenzy of whispered paranoia: ‘It’s something serious! And you’ve left it too late! Hashem fooled you!”
 
Again, I went and prayed for clarity: G-d! I’m trying not to believe my evil inclination, but it’s getting me very anxious and upset. Please, help me out and give me a clue what’s going on and what you want me to do!
 
The ‘clue’ arrived the next day, when one of my neighbors popped round for a chat and happened to mention that half my community had some weird virus that left everyone partially deaf for weeks. She’d been to the doctor about it herself, and there was nothing that could be done about it except to wait for it to clear up, and drink lots of water…
 
Baruch Hashem! Thank G-d. I calmed down again. And then, very soon after that, my neck started to hurt. In a really weird way, that I’d never experienced before. First, it just felt kind of strange, and being the latent worrier that I unfortunately still am, I started to feel around for anything ‘wrong’.
 
Thank G-d, there was nothing there. But in the meantime, my neck was hurting more and more, and two seconds after I last felt it to see there was nothing ‘wrong’, I’d start worrying again that something had changed in the interim and that if there wasn’t already something ‘wrong’, there would be soon, G-d forbid.
 
It was extremely challenging. I knew it wasn’t just my imagination, but I also knew that G-d didn’t want me to take the easy out and go to a doctor. I’d been reading the Garden of Gratitude by Rav Arush, so I decided to take the only route still open to me: I got in the car, and went for a six hour praying session by the Kotel.
 
I haven’t prayed for six hours straight for months and months, so a bit of me was actually quite pleased for the opportunity to go and get re-acquainted with Hashem. I decided right from the beginning that I wasn’t going to whinge, whine, moan or complain. I was going to just thank Him for making my neck hurt, and see what insights He gave me.
 
After last year, when He turned around such a bleak situation for the best, I had a lot more trust in His goodness and compassion; and I knew that He sends things to get people closer to Him. I do my hour a day, I’m trying to get closer to G-d, I’m trying to ‘fix’ whatever He lets me ‘fix’ – what good would it do to send me a serious illness, G-d forbid? What purpose would it serve? Clearly, all my health issues weren’t a punishment, but something that G-d was sending to me in order to get me to change something, or improve something – however, it was, it was all going to be for the best.
 
To be continued