The Better Friend

Rebbe Akiva said that the fundamental rule of the Torah is: Loving your neighbor as yourself. The Alter of Slobodka once said: “We love ourselves instinctively without looking for reasons, so should we love others without reasons.” The Ramban said: “Human nature says we wish others well but less than for ourselves!!! But the Torah says no! We can and should condition ourselves to want others to have the fullest degree of success that we wish to get.”

But that is just the thing, it’s all about conditioning. In my own personal life, coming into the world of observant Judaism meant getting closer to Hashem. This meant adhering to the Torah’s daily commandments such as blessings, prayer in a minyan, and Shabbat observance. Throughout the years, with experience I have gotten used to the above mentioned elements of Jewish life. But one thing has always been a real challenge, loving my neighbor as myself. Somewhere along the line my focus became more about keeping the commandments between man and Hashem rather than man and man. But this is a mistake. Judaism is about caring for others and not just our own lives.

The Torah mentions “The two Tablets of Testimony,” aka The 10 Commandments. What we have to understand is that on one of the tablets were listed the five commandments that deal with man’s relationship to Hashem (observing Shabbat, believing in one G-d), while on the other tablet were listed the commandments relating to man’s relationship to his fellow man (not to kill, steal etc.). The interesting point here is that in Hebrew the word for tablets is luchot but it is spelled in the Torah in the singular form without a vav. The Yefeh Toar explains that this phenomenon teaches us that the value of each type of commandment is equally important whether it be between man and man or man and Hashem.

My beloved mentor HaRav Michah Hyman of Yeshivat Machon Meir in Jerusalem wrote a manual of character development for his personal students. Inside he shares sources for the necessity to improve our level of Ahavat Yisrael “love for our fellow Jew.” He goes on to remind the reader that the exile of the Jewish people was a result of baseless hatred and that according to the Sages, only through unity and love of amongst the Jewish people will the redemption come. In his guide, he brings a quote from the first Slonimer Rebbe, “Just as a mikva only purifies a person if there is absolutely nothing on his body separating between him and the water, so too the level of “Yisrael” which purifies us (the Jewish people) by our unity, only does so when there is nothing separating a Jew from his fellow Jew.” We need unity.

He goes on to mention that every effort we make to become a better person and friend not only benefits us personally but the nation as a whole. By taking on a mindset that involves others as we strive to elevate spirituality we truly care for Hashem’s nation and make our successes a shared accomplishment.

Rav Hyman goes further and provides tips on how to become a better person and friend.

“First, a person should think about what a good friend is, and then contemplate his own relationships to see if he himself possesses those qualities. Only then can he know exactly what is lacking and what to work on.”

Below are his tips about becoming a better friend:

1. Desire good for others, and do good with others, acts of kindness and selfless giving

2. Be there for others in happy times or in times of pain

3. Sacrifice your time and energy for them

4. Be flexible and compromise for them

5. Search and look for the positive virtues inside to judge them positively

6. Share yourself with them, open up to them about personal stories that you have

7. Give friendliness and warmth

In one of my last articles “Saving a Life” I mentioned that a dear friend of mine committed suicide. As a result I have felt more compelled to make an effort to spread teachings to prevent further tragedies from happening. Please help us and take part in truly loving your fellow Jew.

Homework:

Write down the above mentioned tips about being a better friend. Seek ways to actively apply them to your daily life. Share your experiences with others during Shabbat and encourage others to follow your example! You’ll be amazed at how, by focusing on loving your fellow Jew more, this affects your own personal connection to Hashem. By strengthening ourselves in love for our fellow man, we’ll strengthen our own service and love for Hashem.