The Monkey Man

A few days ago I was washing dishes, and for some strange reason, a vision of the movie, “Planet of the Apes” popped into my head. I haven't the faintest idea why. Maybe my subconscious was trying to communicate with me. Yeah, now it's starting to make sense… Maybe my front door is actually a portal to a distant galaxy, where the people (boys) look like humans but they're actually wild monkeys. Maybe I should stop daydreaming so much.

That was a strange movie. I'm pretty sure it came out before I was born. I remember seeing bits and pieces of it on TV when I was little. I don't know the entire plot, but I do know that those monkeys lived on another planet – hence the brilliant title – and they behaved an awful lot like humans. If I were to watch it today, I would probably say that their behavior was more civilized and dignified than many humans' behavior these days. But let's not go down that route.

Interestingly, a day or two later I was reading some awesome story from some awesome book that I can't remember for the life of me. For some reason, it made me remember the movie. I consequently came up with a Spielberg-esque blockbuster that will earn me millions, if not billions. Here goes:

Once upon a time, on a faraway exotic island, there lived a population of orangutans. These weren't just any orangutans, of course. They were beautiful, glamorous, and successful. The male orangutans loped around with Rolex watches on each of their oversized wrists and drove fancy Bentleys with their feet. The female orangutans wore luxurious, long wigs made from the finest imported horsehair. Each female was in perpetual competition with the other, as they all wanted to be the most attractive to the males. Thus, they spent much of their days getting groomed at the five star day spa.

The main joy on Orangutan Island was their oceanfront beach club, The Palms. It was highly exclusive, and only the richest orangutans were allowed to pay an obscene amount of money for the rights to lounge by the sparkling emerald-green waters as they sipped tropical Mei Tai's and ate banana satay with a delicious chili-lime dressing on the side.

Gorgeous tree mansions were spread out along the perimeter of the island, where the most successful orangutan families enjoyed their little slice of heaven. Each orangutan kid tried to outdo his friends by scoring the latest overpriced basketball shoes and shorts that couldn't manage to stay on their waist. Every Oranguteen had their own oPhone so they could keep constant tabs on their social circle and keep up with late-breaking news, such as which Hollywood couples are breaking up or cheating on each other. The boys spent their afternoons lying in the shady hammocks, playing their xbox until their mothers yelled at them to come home for dinner. The girl orangutans always hung out in groups and gossiped until they, too, were yelled at to come home for dinner.

The Oranguteens had their own hangout, a club hidden deep in the center of the island. This club, or The Cave, as it was called, was the place to see and be seen, dance, and drink until the early hours of the morning. As one can imagine, it was no easy feat to wake up on time for school the next day. To circumvent this problem, many of them just went straight from The Cave to The Jail, as school was affectionately called.

This orangutan society functioned like this for many years, until one day, a group of aliens happened upon their secluded island. These aliens looked very strange to the orangutans. They didn't have hair all over their bodies, and they walked upright, without using their forearms to balance them. In reality, these aliens were humans that lived on the other side of the ocean. Not having been exposed to the humans before, the orangutans could just scratch their heads in confusion when they met.

One of the humans was a woman who was 8 months pregnant. She didn't listen to her doctor's warning about not traveling so close to her due date, and as a result, didn't make it back to the ship in time. Although she waddled as fast as she could, by the time she reached the coast, the ship was sailing into the horizon. Her incessant screaming for the ship to come back stressed her out so much that she started having contractions from the stress.

She ended up giving birth on Orangutan Island, but the local orangutan doctor was trained in a third world medical school, and didn't bother to keep sterile conditions during the birth. Tragically, the mother died from sepsis. The orangutans decided to adopt this cute little hairless blue-eyed baby, and they raised him as one of their own.

The boy grew up among the monkeys, but he never quite fit in. His arms weren't as strong and muscular as theirs were, and he could only swing short distances. He never grew hair all over his body, and as a result, couldn't get one female to so much as look in his direction. Nevertheless, he adopted their way of living, and his main goal in life was to have a fat tree house and drive a Bentley with his feet.

Although he wasn't a monkey, he excelled at business and quickly became the richest one on the island. He didn't know it at the time, but human brains are much smarter than monkey brains, so he easily surpassed all of them with his ingenious ideas. Eventually, he became the island's celebrity, as he had revolutionized life for the orangutans and made it much easier for them. For example, he came up with the idea to install elevators in each tree house so they wouldn't have to work so hard to climb up. He also came up with the idea of placing the steering wheel near the floor and the pedals on the dashboard, making driving a most pleasurable and comfortable experience for the entire orangutan society.

Many years passed, and Monkey Man (MM) was happily living his life. One day, a group of humans on a life-saving outreach mission from across the ocean docked on Orangutan Island. MM saw them and immediately fainted. When he came to, he was confused. Where did they come from? Where the others like him? What were they doing here?

One human spoke up: “We were sent by our leaders on an urgent mission to rescue all humans that have unknowingly become entrenched in foreign civilizations. Our goal is to return these humans to their rightful home and to teach them to live the way it was intended for them.”

“You mean, I'm not supposed to live here?” MM asked, confused.

“No. Come with us- we'll show you how to live as a human,” the one with the white beard and long side curls said with a warm smile and a twinkle in his eye.

Without understanding why, MM suddenly felt a tremendous desire to go with White Beard, to a land he knew nothing about, and to leave everything behind. He didn't know what life had in store for him, but he felt it was the right thing to do.

With a heart bursting with excitement and fear, MM followed White Beard and his crew onto the waiting boat, and set sail for his real home… Israel.

Seriously, don't I deserve an Oscar for this??

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Feel free to send Racheli your questions, particularly in the areas of marriage, dating, child-rearing and women's role; write her at racheli@breslev.co.il