A Minute of Peace

I keep having days when all of a sudden, I start feeling really shaky, spiritually and physically and emotionally. It's not just me – I talk to this person, that person, the other person, and we all seem to be in the middle of having some sort of massive collective nervous breakdown.
 
There is an energy, or what in Hebrew you'd call a 'ruach', running around the planet at the moment that is causing a lot of issues for a lot of people. Some days I feel fine; I'd even go as far to say as I feel 'normal'. I can get the housework done, I can make supper, I can type a few articles for breslev.co.il, prepare a class, work on some other project, talk to my husband like a caring human being.
 
And then – whammo! I wake up the next day already feeling like my legs somehow got turned to jelly, and then everything is an uphill battle from the minute I open my eyes.
 
Some days, it takes me half an hour to just go and do negel wasser, (ritual hand washing). I just lie there, awake, trying to persuade myself to move. I used to have that problem a lot when I had a job and a life that I hated, but that's not the case these days. These days, it's just a plain old fight with my yetzer (evil inclination) – one that I keep losing.
 
On these days, everything feels like such an enormous effort. I don't know what to make for supper; I don't know when to go and buy food; I don't know whether, or when, or how best to clean my toilets. I have big lists of things to do, and I barely make a dint in them.
 
That happened to me today. Today, I was meant to: wake up; do my hitbodedut; wake my kids; get them to school; do the washing up before a friend came round for some advice on tackling allergies; write a class; do a mind map on the aromatherapy business I want to start up; clean my bathrooms; and then make supper and take it easy.
 
Instead, this is what happened to me: I woke up late, and then got 'stuck' to the bed for an additional half an hour. I forget to wake my daughter up early so she could study more for her test. I rushed around like an idiot trying to find my kids something to eat because I'd forgotten to organise the food we'd need the day before, then I drove them to school, so they wouldn't be late.
 
The school is literally up the road from where I live. On the way back, I got pulled over by a policeman for not wearing my seatbelt (clearly, a very slow 'crime' day.) Then, I got in more trouble for not having my drivers licence with me. Everyone drives around my village without a seatbelt and papers…but never mind.
 
I walked home on foot to get my driving licence, feeling shaky, because just last week I got told that if I do anything else 'dodgy' on the roads for the next two years, I'll be in real trouble, G-d forbid.
 
When I got home, I put some cash in the charity box and did a mini-pidyon nefesh prayer, than trudged back to the policeman. His colleague was very nice, and just gave me a verbal warning.
 
I got home, realized my friend was meant to come any minute, so I stuffed in some breakfast. Once she'd gone, I realized I still hadn't even done my morning blessings or hitbodedut.
 
I went to the garden to talk to G-d, and barely a word came out. Nothing. I sat there desperately wanting to tell Him how much help I feel like I need with everything at the moment, but I couldn't speak.
 
I came in – and fell asleep on the couch, still in the middle of my hitbodedut. I woke up to get the phone – it was the school, calling to arrange a meeting to discuss the terribly hard, difficult move that I was forcing on my poor children at probably the worst ever age (the teacher didn't actually say that, but that's how I felt.)
 
It was lunchtime already, and I hadn't got anything done. I'd love to tell you how I got out of this, and how it all turned around – but I haven't, and it didn't. It's just the 'energy' that's in the world, and when G-d decides to take it away, things will move again, and I'll actually be able to get away from the couch and do something useful again.
 
 

Editor's Note: The day after Rivka Levy sent me this article, her neighborhood suffered a missile attack from Gaza. With Hashem's loving grace, no one was hurt.