My Golden Years

I am gradually becoming a senior citizen and it’s not what I expected. I had some misconceptions about getting older, a few preconceived ideas. For instance, I used to think that by this age I would not be too upset if I died (I would be!) I thought I would not care if I got fat (I do!) I assumed I would be very mature (not always), that I would understand the world of finance (I don’t) and of course I would be calm in any emergency (try not to have one near me.)

I also imagined that I would be very self-disciplined and the complete master of my emotions. In short I assumed that (like Mary Poppins) I would be practically perfect in every way. The reality is I am still fighting the good fight but I’ve lived long enough to know that Hashem will continue picking me up when life knocks me down.

God keeps things challenging for those of us who want to keep growing (and even for those who don’t). The tests never end and the stakes are always high. Life can get strange, scary and uncomfortable but that is when you need to floor the emuna pedal. Let me share some of the challenges I face as a woman of a certain age.

These days I’m not forced out of bed by sweet, noisy children needing to be dressed, fed, and sent off to school. There were so many years I had to get up at five thirty to make sure they all made it onto the school bus that arrived at 7:30 and refused to wait for any child. I had to stay calm, act loving, and be extremely efficient, sometimes before having coffee.

The rest of my day was filled with laundry, cooking, cleaning, and caring for the newest baby.

The other kids would come home from school and that meant snacks, homework, dinner, baths and bedtime. Then I conked out, usually by ten. Most young mothers have similar schedules.

Once my kids were older I began working away from home. This also required getting up early, to be on time for work. And there was still lots of laundry, cooking, and errands as well as the additional job (oops-pleasure) of occasionally babysitting grandchildren.

I never had to wonder how I should spend the day. It was obvious and indisputable.

Now that I am older there are no clamoring children that need my help. My husband, bless his heart, is very independent. He actually prefers his own cooking to mine (so do I). My job as a writer has flexible hours and my counseling work is in the evenings. So now it’s down to me, the way I use my time. The external pressures have mostly ended, the days of responding automatically to the needs of others is over.

I finally have the time and the means to concentrate on my relationship with The Creator! But will I?

As a young mother, I often prayed while trying to ignore the sound of children squabbling beside me or someone tugging on my skirt. I was usually too exhausted to learn much and caring for nine children didn’t leave a lot time for helping others. Today I can pray quietly and slowly and concentrate on the words. I have the privilege of learning and the luxury to think. I can fill my days with good deeds and make time for old friends. But will I?

I could let myself go. “After all”, says my evil inclination “You worked hard raising all those kids. You’re a grandmother now, forget about exercising! Take a big nap, eat some more cake. Spend the morning on the internet, go shopping at the mall and stop having so many Shabbat guests!” But will I?

Of course I can (and should) relax. I deserve to after all the housework I’ve done! But that doesn’t mean I’m through trying to accomplish. I still want to be busy and feel productive. I still care about my health and my appearance and I do not want to become a roly-poly, cane wielding grandma (not yet!)

What I truly need to do (and it takes self-discipline) is to use this stage in life to increase my level of emuna. I can aspire to become really fluent in talking to God because time goes fast and before I know it, I’ll be seeing Him again.  And although I still care passionately about the other aspects of my life, my main concern now is how to best make use of the time I have left. I’m not really old but as the saying goes, I’m not getting any younger either (may I live until 120!)

How kind of God to give me this gift that feels similar to childhood during summer vacation. That priceless feeling of having a whole day to spend however I want to and with Hashem, my very best friend!

These days I can pray slowly, learn Torah and write articles about emuna (okay, and read about Donald Trump.)

I also choose to be more patient with myself and with others. With Hashem’s continued blessings and His endless support, I can opt for ways to bring me closer to Him as I gradually enter into my Golden Years. The main thing is to utilize this stage of life and its opportunities, without the fear of getting old. God promises us, “Even till your seniority, I remain unchanged: and even until your ripe old age, I shall endure. I created you and I shall bear you; I shall endure and rescue.”

Sounds good to me.