Hashem’s Pace
“Of course, trying to push Hashem rarely works and all I had to show for it was exhaustion and frustration. Nothing was moving, and there was nothing I could do about it…”
Last year at this time, I was unbelievably depressed. I had already been going through the wringer for nine excruciating months, and while I did, Baruch Hashem, have my gett by this time, the entire sticky situation was far from over.
Even more, for whatever emotional reason I had pegged Rosh Hashanah as the date that I wanted everything to be done by. In my still very-much-in-denial brain, I thought this was realistic and certainly symbolic, and had been pushing to have the divorce finalized for months.
Of course, pushing rarely works and all I had to show for it was exhaustion and frustration. Nothing was moving, the next step was months away and there was nothing I could do about it. I prayed and prayed for a miracle, that something would change in the final days before Rosh Hashanah – and nothing happened.
The rest of the year, I kept wondering and questioning – why was it taking so long? Why did everything have to be such a battle? Why, why, WHY? I cried and prayed for speed – and nothing happened.
The year progressed, not nearly fast enough for me. Finally, finally, my prayers were answered and the divorce was over. But that started the excruciating waiting for the house to sell, waiting for me to be able to move on with my life in another city, to heal, to date… I prayed and prayed and cried and begged for speed – and nothing happened.
In my still very-much-in-denial brain, I thought this was realistic…
At long last and with great miracles, the house went under contract. But by now it was already the summer and the closing got delayed by the three weeks. I cried and prayed for speed – and nothing happened.
In the meantime, I was at least free to make Aliyah and, Baruch Hashem, I did over the summer. At long last, I was at least living like a free woman, even if there were things that still needed to be resolved back in America.
In the meantime, the house closed and now the final battle had to be fought – settling the money after the sale of the house. This was all very clear by the divorce decree, but we needed some refund checks to come in, and other items to get tallied, and this would all take time. You already know what happened by now – I cried and prayed for speed – and nothing happened.
And then the day came – everything was in order. The amounts were tallied, the checks were ready, everything was waiting – on my ex-husband’s signatures. The lawyer called me distraught – my ex was hemming and hawing about the money. If he doesn’t agree, my lawyer explained, there isn’t anything to do except hire a divorce lawyer and go back to court to have them determine amounts, force signatures, and the like. Like everything with the courts, even with an emergency hearing it could be time consuming and expensive.
As you might imagine, I completely lost it. All this time waiting and praying, waiting and praying, and finally I am standing at the end of this hellish nightmare and – it is getting delayed again!!! So what did I do?
I cried and prayed, and cried and prayed. I did 30 minutes of intense hitbodedut begging Hashem for mercy and I used everything in the book I could think of, used every weapon previously discussed. And then I started thanking Hashem for this situation – for the fact that it got me out of my previously numb mode and helped me cry to Him, for the gift of being able to cry to Him in the first place and that He listens to the honest prayers of a broken heart, that I could at least be in this situation in Israel instead of America.
And this time, something happened. The lawyer met with my ex-husband and everything was signed and put in order. When I got the email saying the meeting was successful, I absolutely could not contain my joy. The lawyer told me that everything should be cleared from the bank and I would have the money I needed within a few days, G-d willing.
Wow. Finally, it is all over. I’m here in Israel, I’m safe and rebuilding my life, and it is all over. And the checks did clear… just before Rosh Hashanah.
And that is when it really hit me. All those prayers, all those tears – I thought that nothing was happening. I thought that Hashem didn’t listen, that He didn’t care, that they were wasted because look how long it took anyway.
But that wasn’t the truth. The truth is, according to my Rebbetzin (and she has many years of experience!), all of this shouldn’t have taken only a little over a year, but more like 3-5 years – and even then the gett would have been quite a miracle, who knows when that might have happened. So Hashem was indeed rushing things along – it just wasn’t according to my speed. It was according to Hashem’s pace.
Even more, Hashem took every one of those prayers that everything should be completely done before Rosh Hashanah – and He saved them for this year. In His love for me, for some reason answering me last year wasn’t for the best. I needed to go through all that for reasons I am just starting to be able to understand the slightest bit of. So, in His good time, He answered them all this year and Baruch Hashem, just before Rosh Hashanah I got my wish – that everything be completely done and I can start my new year fresh, with no residual residue in even one day of my year.
May we all be blessed with a great year, amen!
