Thank You, Abba

Abba is the Hebrew word for father. It’s a good word to know.

In the Torah portion Shlach Lecha, we read about the sin of the spies, their looking at things in a negative way and misjudging for the worst. Let me share a story with you about how I made the same senseless mistake.

Last summer, I crashed my car when I taking an old lady home. Thank G-d no-one got injured, but an ambulance still showed up very fast, and after 10 minutes, the ambulance guy managed to convince my passenger to get checked up medically ‘just in case’.

As soon as she set foot in the ambulance, the crash went up a whole other level, because now there was officially a ‘casualty’. Now, as the liable party, I was going to have to go to court.

In court, I was probably going to get fined and / or have my drivers’ license suspended for a few months and / or even be looking at a prison term, G-d forbid.

I know Rav Arush’ three rules of emuna (G-d’s doing everything; it’s all for the best; and He’s trying to send me a message) and I really try to live by them. But when it came to my accident, I was really, really struggling to see Hashem behind it all.

I started blaming myself for what had happened; then I stopped doing that and started blaming Hashem, instead. I was doing the old lady a favor! Why’d He make me crash? Why did I have to be looking at a fine and a court case, when I was already struggling so much financially?

Every time I thought about the crash, and the court case, I was overwhelmed by bitterness and self-pity. Poor me! How unfair! What a victim I was!

Then a couple of months’ ago, I got a letter from an organization telling me my passenger was (apparently) suing me for damages. I couldn’t believe it. I was furious. I was incandescent. I was thinking like a heretic, who’d completely forgotten that G-d was running the world.

A month later, I started to feel really unwell, as I’ve written about elsewhere. Around the same time, I got asked to do a class on the topic of ‘forgiveness’ for the ladies of my community. At the same time, I got an unexpected visit from a representative from the organization that was suing me on behalf of the old lady, who gave me her address and strongly suggested I deal directly with her, and try to sort it out.

Could it all be connected?

I picked up a Rav Arush book for some guidance, and I opened up to a page that told me in no uncertain terms: if you don’t see Hashem behind your suffering and thank Him for it, then you’re going to end up suffering much, much more.

Which is exactly what was going on with me. Instead of thanking Hashem for the crash, I was still whining and complaining about it (at least, to myself.) Because I didn’t accept the justice of what had happened to me, and particularly that I had to go to court, G-d sent me an additional court case where the old lady was apparently suing me. Because I didn’t accept the justice of that, I started to get really, really ill.

Which is when my whole attitude changed, and I realized I had to stop feeling like a victim, and to say thank you for the crash, even though I still had no clue why it was good. I also had to stop trying to run away from everything, and to face the situation G-d had put me in, for my own good, head-on.

Whatever my passenger wanted me to pay her, it was from G-d, and I was going to do it.

I tried calling my passenger – but I couldn’t find a working phone number. So then I wrote her a letter – but I didn’t hear back. So then, I decided to go and visit her at home.

Surprise number one: I literally crashed right outside her home, which really showed me how Divinely-tailored the whole thing was.

Surprise number two: she wasn’t really suing me at all. She just wanted to be reimbursed for the cost of the ambulance. (She clearly didn’t have a lot of money, and it was only after six months of haggling with her healthcare provider who were refusing to reimburse her that her son had written to the organization to get the money back from me.)

Surprise number three: we didn’t owe her a penny. Just the week earlier (when I stopped complaining, and finally started thanking for the crash) – the healthcare provider had finally paid up.

We hugged each other; we gave each other blessings, and then I came home feeling very ashamed of myself. I had so misjudged the woman, who really was a saintly individual. And I’d so misjudged Hashem, thinking He was out to get me when really, He was just trying to teach me a very important lesson. I’m sorry, Hashem – help me remember how much of a loving Father You are!

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You’re welcome to write Rivka Levy at rivkawritesback@gmail.com