The Crock of Gold

“The distinct sign of trust in Hashem is when a person’s thoughts don’t focus on money.” [The Garden of Emuna]
 
In Irish mythology, the illusive crock of gold was always to be found at the end of the rainbow. Even if we don’t desire fabulous wealth, most of us would be very happy to have financial security; we feel it gives us access, options, it pays our way in this physical world and, as Torah Jews, it makes serving Hashem easier when feel we have our financial needs met.
 
There’s a lot to choose from in Breslev teachings about trust and earning a livelihood.  As I was looking through the Garden of Emuna I wasn’t sure exactly which quote to use to introduce this essay so I opted for this one.  As I was typing it out though, it occurred to me that even now, maybe I focus on financial security more than I care to admit; so perhaps Hashem chose this quote for me to meditate on.
 
I must confess that I’ve been fortunate; I’ve never been in debt. I grew up with debt being considered something close to a disease.  If we didn’t have the money, we did without.  I can’t say, however, that I ever felt any material lack [something for which I now thank Hashem continuously] but neither did we ever look forward to financial security and that was something that hung over me as I was growing up.
 
I’ve also never been a big earner; as a secretary, I could never command a high salary and it was always important to me to work in a pleasant environment, preferably a creative one, which always tended to pay poor to average salaries.
 
I was always encouraged by my parents to save, for which I am now eternally grateful.  However, none of this, while in fact being a Torah ideal, was based on emunah, but rather pragmatism.
 
Now my life has changed considerably over the past few years and bitachon (trust in Hashem) relating to earning a living has been quite pivotal.
 
As I said, I always worked in creative environments but there reached a point where I felt dissatisfied with what I was doing; I felt I wanted to do something vocational but I didn’t know what exactly.  I left my job and eventually I was privileged to get a job working for a Torah institution, with which I had had a longstanding connection.  This was my first test of bitachon. Prior to taking the job I had been offered a more “stable”job working for a medical company I had temped for, so initially I actually turned down the offer of working for the Torah institution because it was only a 3 month contract with the “possibility” of something more long term, and at a very reduced salary; I would have been barely able to cover my expenses.  However after I said no to the offer, I immediately regretted it; I knew that I had to work for this organisation, that it was exactly what I was looking for, and I wasn’t going to worry about the money. And so I started my 3 months contract – I recognised straightaway this is where I wanted to be, but the Principal there couldn’t guarantee anything permanent for financial reasons.  As the weeks went by I said to Hashem, you can’t seriously kick me out now, after all I’ve been through to get here; I’ll go if I have to, but really I felt like a wilful child determined to get my own way.  Hashem was listening.  The job became permanent but initially my salary more or less stayed the same.  And this is where it got interesting.  A few months later, a close relative abroad suddenly started sending me monetary gifts on a regular basis; he’d never done it before. He carried on doing it all the time I was working for this organisation and as my salary started gradually to go up, my overall income at one point exceeded anything else I’d earned before.
 
Fast forward several years, and I found I had come full circle, out of work again by choice for personal reasons.  As the months went by, I always felt I could rely somewhat on my “gifts” to see me through this stage in my life. At about the same time though, I was also starting to feel a bit uncomfortable about “relying” on them – on the one hand, they made a huge difference but on the other, I couldn’t stop myself anticipating the arrival of “the cheque” and I wondered if perhaps I was trusting less in Hashem and more in the person who was sending them.
 
Be careful what you wish for, even if you only think it! The economic storm hit, and the gifts dramatically declined. Rather bizarrely, I felt a sense of relief because now I could rely completely on Hashem but at the same time I really wanted the security of those gifts.  Hashem obviously thought differently. But I also experienced something very interesting.  Even though my current financial situation is unstable, I don’t feel that anxious about it.  I know that because Hashem gave the money in the first place for a reason, He also took it away for a reason.
 
I have had to tighten my belt and yet I don’t feel I lack anything. The other day I was binning a pile of old receipts from a few years ago and was surprised how much I spent on this and that. Now I live on a strict amount per week, use cash as much as possible, and recently I found that, at the end of the month, I still more or less had the same amount left – I can’t really explain why and it’s happened before.
 
And yet, while I don’t feel anxious, from time to time I still find myself focusing on money, wondering how I will manage in the future, what if Hashem doesn’t change the situation and soon, how this… what if that…
 
So when it comes to bitachon then, for me it’s still work in progress because, on some level still, I’m still looking for my crock of gold at the end of the rainbow.