Jealousy and Sibling Rivalry

Translated by Rabbi Lazer Brody

Parents’ favoritism toward a particular child is very harmful to all their children. Our Sages warned us not to treat a particular child with special favor. Jacob gave his son Joseph a cloak of many colors, which aroused his other sons’ jealousy; tragedy ensued.

When parents treat one of their children as the favorite, the other children are emotionally harmed. Parents must be aware of this, careful not to display favoritism toward one or more of their children in any way. And certainly parents should not single out one or more of their children for particularly negative treatment. The child will interpret this as proof that his parents do not love him, a horrific situation. When a child lacks warmth and love, his emotional health is compromised.

Parents must rectify any treatment of their children that reflects favoritism, ensuring that they relate to each child with equal love and attention. Most of all, they should do their utmost to avoid causing jealousy between their children.

Sometimes parents are truly happy with one of their children and they want to give him special treatment without their other children noticing. They may secretly give him something or tell him something. This is also not wise, for in the end, the other children will find out and be insulted.

The principle of thanksgiving can uproot jealousy and rivalry. Usually, it is the older sibling who is jealous of the younger sibling, and not vice versa. This is even true when the younger sibling is no more successful than his older counterpart. And if the younger sibling is more successful than his older sibling, then the jealousy burns out of control.

For example, the first two brothers in history were Cain and Abel. Cain was the older brother and Abel was the younger. Cain saw that Abel was more successful than him. His jealousy was so great that it led him to murder Abel. For every child, the very fact that a new sibling is born makes him feel jealous. And when the younger sibling is more successful or gets preferential treatment, it causes the fire of jealousy to burn even more.

Why is the older sibling usually jealous of the younger sibling and not vice versa? Why doesn’t the younger sibling feel jealousy toward his older brother?

The younger child is born into the reality in which there is another child already in the house and that not everything is meant for him – somebody is in line ahead of him. But the older child has lived the reality that everything is meant for him. Suddenly, another child has entered the picture and he also has needs. The older child feels that the younger child is taking things that could or should have been his and thinks: “Why should he take things away from me? Everything is mine! It all belongs to me!”

As soon as the new child is born, the older child begins to think: “Until now, everything belonged to me. Now I am in danger of losing these things because somebody has come along who will take these things from me. It’s true, because he already took my mother, who until now belonged only to me.  Until now, she hugged me, was with me and now…he is also taking my father and my toys – my parents give him so much. What is going on here? Everything belongs to me!”

As he grows up, if the older sibling sees the younger brother succeeding more than him, he certainly will be jealous and may even hate him. He’ll think to himself: “Who made my life so miserable? My life was happy and beautiful until he came along…”

These thoughts are the result of selfishness that the parents instilled in their child before his sibling was born. They led him to understand that everything belongs to him, causing him to feel jealous of the new arrival. Parents must give their children a solid educational foundation, teaching them to take nothing for granted and to give thanks.

Jealousy is the outcome of insufficiently teaching a child to give thanks. Parents must teach their children to give thanks from the very beginning, instilling in them the knowledge that not everything belongs to them – and indeed, that nothing belongs to them – from the time they are very small. Children must grow up believing that everything that they have is due to Hashem’s loving kindness. They must learn that every time they enjoy something they must make a blessing, and that they must thank Hashem and His conduit who gave him the amenity. In this way, the children grow up with good character traits, unlike spoiled children who, when their parents do not do their will, throw tantrums and even scream at or hit their parents, Heaven forbid.

If parents do not want their children to grow up with these negative character traits, they must teach them to give thanks for everything from the earliest age, with no exceptions. They must be very determined and withhold from the child anything before he is thankful for it: Both to the Creator, Who is the source of everything and to His messengers – Mommy and Daddy – who provide for the child. May you have joy from all your children, amen!