Stay Strong, BTs!

There is a well-known phrase for kids whose parents are religiously observant, yet the kids do not participate in their lifestyle. They are referred to as having gone “off the derech”, or off the path of religious observance. There could be any number of reasons why this happens, but I’d like to apply this term to a different type of person.

Many Breslev Israel readers are Baal Teshuva, or people who have become religious after having been raised in a secular lifestyle. They are brave enough to stand for what they believe in; for what they know in their hearts is the right thing to do, and to basically overhaul their entire lives.

If you’re a BT like I am, you most likely know that choosing to live this way came at a big price: you became the black sheep of the family. All of a sudden, you were looked at as strange, brainwashed, and ultimately as a traitor. At least, I was, by certain but not all family members.

I was pseudo-kosher for a long time before I became serious about it: I would go to non-kosher restaurants and order fish, pasta, or a salad, and somehow justify it in my mind that it was somewhat kosher. (More on the reasons for that in a future article, G-d willing.) Anyhow, when I decided once and for all that I wouldn’t eat at non-kosher restaurants, it became very problematic for my family. We couldn’t do lunches at their favorite restaurants. We couldn’t order pizza from their favorite pizza place. Worst of all, every catered birthday party had to be kosher. Shame on me for being such a princess!

Things got worse when I started keeping Shabbat. This created a major rift in my family, because like so many American Jewish families, we were very Jewish in our identity, and Friday nights were our way of expressing our Jewishness. It left us feeling Jewish enough for the entire week, like meeting our Jewish quota – you had Shabbat dinner, you were a good Jew. You got bonus points if you wore a kippah for the entire night. Never mind that we watched TV right after and went out with our friends; that did not detract from our strong Jewish connection.

Well, when I told certain family members that I would no longer drive to their homes on Shabbat, all of a sudden I was the evil one. I was the traitor. I had the chutzpah to choose keeping Shabbat over someone else’s schnitzel and matzah ball soup. Oy, when everyone had to come to my house for Shabbat dinner, it was the end of the world. There was plenty of snarling undertone in the way they spoke about me- as if I were all of a sudden some holier-than-thou, stuck up person for having inconvenienced them so. I was made fun of and criticized so many times just for doing what a Jew is supposed to do.

So I ask this question to all parents/family members/friends of BT’s who are giving us a hard time: who’s off the derech? Go back just 3 generations in your family history – can you name more than a handful of people who didn’t keep Shabbat? Who didn’t keep kosher and family purity? Go back a few more generations- how much of your families’ lives revolved around their Judaism? Didn’t they live in shtetls in Old Europe, or in the vibrant and large Sephardi communities of Spain, Morocco, or Baghdad?

Before our families assimilated into mainstream American culture, we were primarily Jewish. Even though it was much harder to be Jewish as recently as 50 years ago, most of our families still only ate kosher food, walked miles to freezing cold mikvahs in the winter, and led their lives as Jews were supposed to. But what happened? People got blinded by the glitter and glamour of western culture. Dollar signs flashed before their eyes as they set foot on the Land of Opportunity. As a result, being Jewish was no longer a priority. It was reduced to an identity, like a nationality. I realized something interesting- out of all groups of immigrants to the U.S., we are the only group that puts the word “American” before our race. There are African Americans, Asian Americans, Latin Americans, but no Jewish Americans! We refer to ourselves as American Jews. Why is that? I think that deep down, many of us resent our Jewish roots – we look at it as a hindrance to being equally accepted in American culture.

Assimilation can be contributed to several factors, but I think the core reason is that somewhere along the line, certain family members decided it was more important to be Americans or Europeans than Jews. It was more important to be accepted as an equal in mainstream culture, even at the expense of losing one’s identity. Now, us BT’s have to fight the battle to defend what our families have (intentionally or not) decided to ignore: the Torah is our prescribed way of life, no matter how irrational or uncomfortable it may be. They pick and choose what they want to follow, which most of the time is absolutely nothing, and they’re perfectly okay with that. Never mind that they have no idea who they are or where they came from. That’s not important. What is important is that their kids get an overpriced college education so they can spend the rest of their lives paying off their college debt.

Hey, off-the-derech people, where is it written that the Torah has an expiration date? Did Hashem say at Mt. Sinai, “The Torah is optional, and anyone who would like to opt out- please raise your hand.” Nope. In fact, Hashem did two things. First, He said if the Jews would not accept the Torah, the entire universe would revert back to its original state of nothingness, since there would be no purpose to Creation without the Torah. Second, He used our children as guarantors that we would keep the Torah throughout all future generations. Meaning, if we didn’t keep our end of the deal, our children would suffer the consequences. Why? Well, is there any greater motivation for a parent to do something if he knew his kid’s welfare was potentially at stake?

But that’s not even the main point of this article. I realized something else- the real reason others, particularly family members, have such a hard time with us BT’s. Our return to Judaism and Torah observance makes it obvious that they are not living as Jews should. People like to be around others who are like them. They take comfort in others doing the same things as they do, even though the things they do aren’t always the right things. For example, when Jews get together to celebrate “the holidays” like X-mas and New Year’s, no one finds anything wrong with it, because they’re all doing the same thing. But when one stands out and says, “I’m not going to participate in your birthday dinner because you’re going to Anthony’s House of Pork”- well, that puts the spotlight on the fact that they’re not keeping kosher. When I stopped participating in “schnitzel and a movie” night, it made it obvious that they were not keeping Shabbat.

My grandfather, ob”m, passed away almost two years ago. It was only after he died that we discovered he came from royalty- his great great(?) grandfather was the chief Rabbi of Baghdad, Chacham Abdallah Somech! He was one of the leading Tzaddikim of his generation, and the primary teacher and brother-in-law of Chacham Yosef Chaim, more popularly known as the Ben Ish Chai!

What would Chacham Somech say if he saw his grandchildren living like secular people? Would he not lament that they are off the derech? It is no different than a prince who decides to live in the slums with prostitutes and cockroaches instead of living in the royal palace.

All of us Jews come from royal stock – we are the sons and daughters of not just any ordinary king, but the King of Creation! And here we are, most of us happily rolling around like pigs in our materialistic mud-filled existence. Instead, we could be building sublime, heavenly castles for ourselves. But no one who’s off the derech wants to be reminded of that. When they see us living according to the Truth, it rubs salt in a wound that they didn’t even realize they had. Their souls feel tremendous pain that they’re not getting their spiritual nourishment- so their bodies cover it up through taunting or degrading remarks.

Of course, not every family is like this. Some families are okay with the one lone Jew, as long as he doesn’t push his Jewishness on them. The bottom line is still the same, though- people who are not observant just don’t like having it pointed out.

So stay strong, BT’s. You are courageous, intelligent, and stubborn. You understand that this is the way to live, and you’re not intimidated by others. You’ve seen that a life of materialism is not only worthless, but detrimental to your soul. You’ve shifted your entire life priorities to live as a Jew should, and you’ve given up so much in the process. Good for you! Keep moving forward spiritually, and remember this phrase if you’re ever questioning your choices: “In the place a baal teshuva stands, even a perfect tzaddik cannot stand!”