Wallflower
Being an emotional cripple and dependent on others for approval is just as problematic as being a physical cripple – in fact, it’s worse…
Dear Rabbi Lazer,
I’m 16, in the tenth grade, and very unhappy. My best girlfriend is really popular at school and shul (we’re conservative), and I’m not. In all honesty, I’m just as .jpg)
attractive as she is, and my grades are just as good as hers. At first, I thought maybe my clothes were out of style, so I went out and begged my mom to buy be the same clothes as my girlfriend. But, at any party or function, people flock to her and I feel like a tag-along. It’s really the pits. I do my best to talk and act like my girlfriend, but she’s considered campus queen and I’m ignored like a wallflower. Rabbi, can you give me some kind of spiritual advice to make me popular too? I know you’re busy with serious problems, but this is hurts me a lot, so please try to give me a quick answer. Respectfully, Melanie from Delaware
attractive as she is, and my grades are just as good as hers. At first, I thought maybe my clothes were out of style, so I went out and begged my mom to buy be the same clothes as my girlfriend. But, at any party or function, people flock to her and I feel like a tag-along. It’s really the pits. I do my best to talk and act like my girlfriend, but she’s considered campus queen and I’m ignored like a wallflower. Rabbi, can you give me some kind of spiritual advice to make me popular too? I know you’re busy with serious problems, but this is hurts me a lot, so please try to give me a quick answer. Respectfully, Melanie from Delaware Dear Melanie,
Imagine that a tractor didn’t like its own appearance, and tried to imitate a Mercedes. The whole world would laugh! Then, the tractor would neither perform its function as a tractor – plowing fields, hauling produce, and the like – and certainly would fail miserably as a Mercedes. On the other hand, if a Mercedes tried to do the job of a tractor, it would get stuck in the mud and fail within a minute.
Melanie, The Almighty gave you your own very special package of abilities and aptitudes for performing your task in this world. When you try to be someone else, you have a double failure: First, you can’t succeed in being the other person, because you lack the emotional, intellectual, physical, and spiritual tools that Hashem gave to that person. Second, when you attempt to be someone you’re not, you fail to develop and to utilize your own unique Heaven-imbued attributes and skills.
The Talmud teaches that when a person seeks prestige, prestige eludes the person. Stop trying to be popular, and don’t try to imitate your girlfriend. Be yourself: How? Act, speak, and dress in a manner that’s natural and comfortable for you. Often, it’s better to sit at home reading a good book, writing a poem or an entry to your diary, or baking a cake for Shabbat than it is to hang out with a bunch of peers that just gossip and waste time, if they don’t do things much worse. Also, stop tagging along as your girlfriend’s prime groupie. Accept the fact that she’s classroom queen. You should start fulfilling your own role as a cherished daughter of the King (Hashem) – the daughter of The King beats the classroom queen any day of the week.
When we need the approval of others, we become emotionally cripple because we make our happiness depend on the way they react to us. Not only is that ridiculous on our part, but being an emotional cripple and dependent on others for approval is just as problematic as being a physical cripple who might be dependent on crutches. The only way to attain true emotional freedom from peer pressure and from others is to cling to Hashem – that will give you tremendous strength.
One additional important point: When high school boys flock around you, they’re not looking to discuss European socio-economics or the theory of relativity. Being popular with them is dead-end cheap popularity. Genuine popularity comes from being an upright human – compassionate, kind, charitable, modest, yet firm and courageous in your beliefs.
The entire world respects the bold nonconformist that stands up to his or her principles. Do you know why? It’s simple – Hashem respects such a person. When The Almighty is pleased with a person’s actions, He grants that person a divine aura, an indescribable spiritual light that emanates from the face and serves as a magnet to attract other people. Possessing such a divine aura is genuine popularity.
May Hashem help you make the right choices in life. Blessings always, LB
11/12/2009
Busy With Serious Problems – Yes the teenage years are full of them too! I wanted to applaud Rabbi Lazer Brody for bringing this important story from Melanie to us all. We often forget just exactly how challenging those teenage years can be and how difficult it is at times just to “be yourself”. Believe me Melanie, many of us adults have plenty of ideas about how we wish we could be more like others and somehow also enjoy some of their successes as well. It just doesn’t ever really work out that way…
I think the best thing that you can do is to be true to yourself and pray daily to G-d for the strength to continue doing so. I also think that one way to allow yourself to feel more included in the action may be to try doing some active mitzvot at or around school. You could gather some student volunteers and donate your time to cleaning a park, visiting sick kids in hospitals, organizing student efforts for the school, for the community or for anything else that you personally feel strongly about.
I think that kids have lots of power to change things around them and they can also become the “center of an activity” that may be more powerful and meaningful than they realized themselves! These type of actions may help you to take steps as an individual that can make you feel good – a pleasant side product of mitzvot 😉 and by encouraging, participating, or organizing them, you can put yourself straight into the “middle of the action” – both with your schoolmates and with Hashem.
I wish you and all of the teenage readers out there all the best, and know that the times that you are now experiencing are tough, but I believe that with your words, thoughts and prayers you can reach out and find true happiness.
G-d Bless
11/12/2009
I wanted to applaud Rabbi Lazer Brody for bringing this important story from Melanie to us all. We often forget just exactly how challenging those teenage years can be and how difficult it is at times just to “be yourself”. Believe me Melanie, many of us adults have plenty of ideas about how we wish we could be more like others and somehow also enjoy some of their successes as well. It just doesn’t ever really work out that way…
I think the best thing that you can do is to be true to yourself and pray daily to G-d for the strength to continue doing so. I also think that one way to allow yourself to feel more included in the action may be to try doing some active mitzvot at or around school. You could gather some student volunteers and donate your time to cleaning a park, visiting sick kids in hospitals, organizing student efforts for the school, for the community or for anything else that you personally feel strongly about.
I think that kids have lots of power to change things around them and they can also become the “center of an activity” that may be more powerful and meaningful than they realized themselves! These type of actions may help you to take steps as an individual that can make you feel good – a pleasant side product of mitzvot 😉 and by encouraging, participating, or organizing them, you can put yourself straight into the “middle of the action” – both with your schoolmates and with Hashem.
I wish you and all of the teenage readers out there all the best, and know that the times that you are now experiencing are tough, but I believe that with your words, thoughts and prayers you can reach out and find true happiness.
G-d Bless