Your Child or Theirs?

Children these days are immersed in a very difficult world. Many good children turn sour by the flick of a switch. What is the cause? Why are so many children going off the path of Torah or simply causing trouble? As parents, doesn’t it upset you terribly when you see your good child simply acting differently because he’s with his friends?

Many parents have felt close to their children until a certain point where all of a sudden their connection together is not cool anymore. The number one reason many kids become cold to us as parents has to do with the increase of peers raising peers rather than parents raising children.

Kids are completely confused about who they are because they are growing up with a very weak home connection. More importantly, they have left their parents, their primary caretakers, for “friends”.

Friends are a great thing when the child knows his own unique identity and doesn’t act fake to please others. They are also only beneficial when the primary attachment is with a loving parent.

Life today requires many families to demand that both parents work. What then happens to our kids? They become heavily involved in after-school clubs and activities. This shifts the primary role of attachment from parent-to-child to child-to-child. This gradually decreases parental influence and involvement.

This generation is raising itself. Bullying is on the rise. Physical, emotional, and spiritual damage is a reality for millions of kids. This is because there has never been a situation such as ours. Kids are being raised by other kids. The primary adult caregiver has been replaced by friends. When this detachment occurs, the child no longer feels that parental closeness is anything of value.

Dear New Parents,

It doesn’t sound so “Emuna-ish” does it? The sad fact is that if we as parents collectively let ourselves be replaced, it takes a miracle to bring them back. In Judaism, we don’t rely on miracles, we prepare for success.

From a child’s first day, a parent needs to come to terms with a positive attitude that he or she may not get to do what they love most. Men, this even includes Torah learning. More on that later…

As the child grows up, action – not words – is what counts. It’s all about a time ratio.

Ask yourself:

• How much time are you spending with your kid?
• What kind of time is it?
• How much time are they sleeping?
• How much time are they at school?
• Who is influencing them at school?  
• How many minutes each day are you influencing them?
• What action can you take to strengthen the connection by the end of the week?

A child doesn’t need toys, he needs a Dad to wrestle with. She needs her mom to take her shopping for Shabbat food. They need your love, not their friends’ love. You need to think of your own creative way to beautify the relationship from the earliest years. Follow your intuition! Remember if your connection with them is outstanding, so too will their spiritual connection be with G-d.  

Invest in your kids and be the dominating and loving influential force. Friends are great but in the long run, their lack of long term responsibility for the success of your child is slim to none. Children are intended to be our greatest and most rewarding legacy that we are building in this world and the next.

Rabbi Shalom Arush says that after you die, your own advancements in Torah are less important. What really counts for the Heavenly Court is where your kids are holding.

I bless you with success in building a most incredible parent- child attachment relationship.

For more information and help, read:  Garden of Education – Rabbi Shalom Arush

And hear:  All in the Family – Rabbi Lazer Brody