8 Tishrei 5781 / Saturday, September 26, 2020 | Torah Reading: Ha'azinu
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Together Forever

Rabbi Arush explains why so many people are struggling to get married, and even if they do, so many of them don’t have marital harmony and then get divorced...


A lot of people ask me why there are so many difficulties in this generation with people not finding their spouse, and why there are so many divorces. I keep hearing it over and over again  every day, another story. 


The answer is simple: You have to be faithful to your spouse 


Let's explain it: 


Rebbe Nachman teaches us that already from the time that you are a small child, you have to be faithful to your spouse. What does it mean to be faithful to your spouse? To guard your eyes.  


If you don’t guard your eyes, then even if you find your wife, you won't have a true connection to her. You won’t be deeply connected. Even more, she will constantly be against you. This is why people don’t have peace in the home – because the souls of the couple are separated. 


How are women faithful to their husbands, even before they meet? She has to be modest! She has to dress modestly. She must live the reality that she has one husband, whether or not she has met him yet, or is even ready to meet him yet. She belongs to one, and only one, man – and she doesn’t want anyone else to look at her or think about her! She says to herself, “He is not going to be my husband – I don’t want him to look at me!” 


If the man is not guarding his eyes, and the woman is not dressing modestly, then all is lost!  


On the flip side –there are people who are really careful with themselves from a young age. The man doesn’t want anything to do with girls – not even to look or think about them. And the girl also wants nothing to do with boys, and certainly not trying to get them to notice her! They all find their soulmates no problem, right away. They find each other quickly, while they are still young. They meet once and that’s it! They get married - and they live in peace with one another, because they're faithful to their spouse even from their childhood. It really does still exist in this generation, but you have to start even when you are small. 


The connection between souls happens at the root. If one or both sides are unfaithful, and looking at or garnering attention from other members of the opposite sex, then you are creating a separation at the root. Instead, both have to be faithful to the other, even if they haven’t met yet. They must wait patiently and guard themselves, and when the time comes, then they will find each other easily. 


Unfortunately, many others are blemishing themselves already from a young age.  Plus, we have the huge problems that come from the unclean devices found everywhere. For sure – if you have one of these devices, then you're not going to find your spouse, and you're not going to have peace in the home! Everything is dependent on your level of holiness. 


Your children are also influenced by the level of holiness. Even if you don’t see the influence right away, you'll see it later. Chazal teach that to build the house or to destroy the house - everything is dependent on the tongue. One word out of place and the house is being destroyed! But the right word - even one good word - you can build the house.  


If you work on yourself to be holy and have marital harmony, you reap the benefits even past your own children. He influences his children, and now they grow up with holiness and influence their children.  


Rebbe Nachman brings the Gemara in Kiddushin that a woman is called "the path." But there's also another path that is brought in Mishlei. A husband has to light the way - he has to light up his wife, illuminate her, and give to her. If he does not, and instead he's criticizing her etc., then he will not have marital harmony because she becomes "a different path against him."  


This is just reality. You have to work on your holiness! G-d says, “You shall be holy, because I am Holy.” To be holy is a mitzvah! It's a commandment!  


There is always teshuva – repentance! Take this one item and work on it every single day, at least 30 minutes a day – to guard your eyes, to work on being modest in dress and behavior. Really work on it! And then you won’t have a delay to find your soulmate, or you will connect to your spouse and have marital harmony. 


No matter what you did or where you are holding, don’t give up on yourself! Pray every day: “Hashem, give me the strength to overcome this Evil Inclination. Give me the strength to change. I want to repent!” Don’t give up. Just keep praying, “G-d, I want true happiness. I really want to be happy! Hashem have mercy on me.” Just repeat it over and over againThere is no such thing that you pray about it every day, and are not saved! Go! Do your hour of hitbodedut (personal prayer), do teshuva, and see the results! 


Hashem should enable everyone to get married and enjoy true peace in the home, and come close to the true tzaddik! 


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