4 Dating Tips from the Torah

Our ancestors provide us with timeless advice about finding the right one.

The Torah can teach us many things – how to be a good person, how to serve Hashem properly, how to treat others, and surprisingly, how to find the right one. Our ancestors left us clues on what to look for in a spouse.

Look for someone whose values you share

In a relationship, sharing a belief system, a worldview and/or life goals is vital. While everyone has individualistic and personal goals for themselves, a relationship is about finding the person you want to spend the rest of your life with who shares similar ideals. Sarah and Abraham teach us to look for someone whose values you share – they both wanted to spread the message of monotheism – belief in one G-d – far and wide. Both of them loved to host guests and teach/mentor others – they excelled at the mitzvah of hachnassos orchim – welcoming guests. They shared a vision of what they wanted to accomplish in their lives and together.  Sharing goals and a vision for the future is key for a long term connection!

Seek someone who is kind

Abraham sent his servant Eliezer to look for a wife for Isaac, Abraham’s son. Talk about a difficult task! Eliezer knew that Isaac's future wife had to be someone kind, so he devised a test. Whoever passed by showing their true nature to be kind and giving, was the perfect soulmate for Isaac. This story of Rivkah teaches us that kindness is an important quality to look for in a spouse; so much so that it was the only thing Eliezer sought out for Isaac. Make sure that the person you are dating treats others kindly, and especially you! The way they treat the waiter at the restaurant, the customer service representative, and the other drivers on the road is indicative of their overall character. If you meet someone nice, but they are rude to the waiter or show a high level of road rage when someone cuts them off, beware! When they aren't on their best behavior and looking to impress their date, they may not be as nice to you as they are at the start of a relationship.

Find someone who is willing to work on the relationship with you

Marriage takes work, I’m sure you’ve heard that before. Just because someone is your soulmate, doesn't mean that the entire relationship will go smoothly. There are always bumps in the road. Take Jacob and Rachel for example. They are the perfect match, but their love did not come easily. Jacob had to deal with working for his future father in law, dealing with his trickery and deception, and then he was forced into 7 more years of labor. Rachel had to overcome jealousy and waiting a very long time to be with the love of her life. Find someone who you want to face the challenges of life with, someone who will be there with you through the good times as well as the inevitable rough patches.

PUSH – pray until something happens!

Prayer is a huge component of finding the right person. Make a list of what values are important to you and what you really want in a future spouse. Then, ask Hashem for it! Keep asking over and over again until something happens. Think about why you want it and what it means to you – dig deep. Leah thought she was going to have to marry Esau and she was devastated. She asked for her fate to be changed over and over, and finally it was! Continue to dig deep, be specific and ask Hashem to provide you with someone wonderful.

These are just a few of the lessons we can find from the stories of our Patriarchs and Matriarchs. Dating can be challenging, but with effort and patience you will find the right person.

May you take these lessons and apply them to your dating and see only good things!

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Aleeza Ben Shalom is the founder of Marriage Minded Mentor. Through her dating coaching and her book, Get Real, Get Married, Aleeza has helped hundreds of people on their journey to finding their soulmate. In addition to working with dating clients from around the world and training future dating coaches and matchmakers, Aleeza is a passionate speaker and regular contributor to Aish.com and Yated Ne’eman. You may also recognize Aleeza from her appearance in the web series Soon By You, or her interviews with BBC World News and NPR. 

Aleeza is committed to creating marriages that endure the test of time, starting with her own: She is a dedicated wife and loving mother of five children. To learn more about her and her empowering coaching visit http://www.marriagemindedmentor.com/.