Baloney?

Needless to see, Rabbi Shalom and I get a huge amount of mail. Most of the time, the letters are full of heart-breaking tribulations that people are going through. Yet, when the same folks see the light at the end of the tunnel, they often forget to update us.

Marvin from Canada is in the process of becoming a winning husband. When he first picked up “The Garden of Peace”, he wrote in the margin, “baloney!” Here’s his story in his own words:

Dear Rabbis Shalom Arush and Lazer Brody, Shalom from my heart to yours!

A few months ago a young man came to our house and knocked on the door. He spoke good English and offered me your book, “The Garden of Emuna.” He wrote his name on the inside cover but I can’t read it. Anyway, he came back again at the end of summer and asked if I had read the book. I told him that I hadn’t. He seemed a little hurt but he offered me another book of yours, “The Garden of Peace”. I told him I’d read it and that I’d call him. I put the book on the table and forgot about it. My wife saw it and spent one Shabbat reading it from cover to cover. She was blown away by the insight you have about women. She told me that if every husband would take this book to heart, there would be no more unhappy wives, one of which was her.

Of course, I didn’t want to read the book but I knew that I was a long way from being the husband my wife deserved. The morning after she read the book she told me about her needs that I wasn’t meeting. She spoke differently and I was able to listen to her for the first time at that level. I told her that I was afraid of the severe judgments that would be waiting for me if I were to fail. Just admitting this to her opened a flood gate of tears in my eyes. I never admitted such a thing before. I also admitted, “I don’t know how to be a good husband.” Who taught me to be a good husband? Nobody! I’ve been on my own and failing miserably. Then I took your book in my hands, went downstairs to my work area and started to read. It was a difficult beginning for me as I was having a very hard time accepting the concept that everything my wife said was as if Hashem was saying it through her to me.

In fact, when I first read it I made a note, ‘baloney’, in the margin. I didn’t give up though but kept reading. My heart started to soften when you explained the female part of me and described how it manifested itself in criticisms, critique, argumentativeness, not accepting responsibility for my actions, blaming my wife, wanting to get instead of give, behaving like a female instead of a male. That was the beginning of change for me. You made sense to me. I’m now half way through the book a second time and do not think anything is baloney. It’s an incredible blessing to me. I especially like knowing not to expect anything from my wife; my purpose is to receive from Hashem and give to her. I don’t need honor, recognition, praise, sex or anything from her. I’m complete with what I receive from Hashem.

As I become more established, I’m seeing how my wife is changing towards me. The anger is going away and she’s able to feel that the changes in me are real and that I’m not pretending anything. Another huge insight that I’ve incorporated into my daily life is the ability to constantly examine the state of my personal holiness. I’m no longer consumed by bodily lust. I feel much stronger in my spirit and I have great expectations for the future as I’m finally able to relate to life as a man. You opened my understanding of myself and I can look forward to becoming more united with Hashem, for my wife will be blessed every time I’m blessed by Hashem. She’ll soon know no need as I’ll have no need. As Hashem supplies all my needs, I’ll supply all of hers. She’ll lack nothing because I will have finally been able to make her first place in my life, something she is beginning to feel for the first time in our 17-year marriage. The changes have happened quickly because the insight was so helpful. Thank you so much; my wife keeps asking, ‘how did a man gain such insight into the needs of a woman?’ She thinks if every man would accept your teachings, war would end and the world would live in peace. She’s right.

With greatest appreciation, Marvin from Canada