Classy Women

Dear Racheli,

I am so fed up with my husband! All of my efforts to dress sexy and look attractive for him are not having the desired effect. I want him to make me feel the way I did when we were dating, and he’s just not. I am a good-looking woman, and he was certainly attracted to me before we were married. That was only a year ago! Why doesn’t he notice me like he used to?

Ilana

Ilana,

First of all, you must rule out any possibility that your husband is going through something in his life that he is not telling you about. Whether it is stress at work, some other life stress, depression, etc., you must verify if this is what’s causing him to be distant from you. If it is, you should work it out with a therapist or a rabbi who specializes in counseling.

If it is simply a matter of him not paying attention to you for no other apparent reason, then there could be several reasons for this. First of all, you should know that men these days have severely short attention spans. Beyond memorizing material that they’ll likely never use again beyond their next midterm, their attention spans average approximately two minutes. The general exception is when they’re watching football, either because the game is exciting, or because they’re waiting for a close-up of the cheerleaders.

After those two minutes are up, everything gets old and boring, and the men move on to the next thing. That’s because their simple little brains only have enough space for one thought at a time. Paying attention to two things at the same time actually gives them a headache.

Really, though, his short attention span shouldn’t be a major factor in your marriage. I assume that you are perfecting the fine art of nagging, as every wife should. If you keep it up, in a few years you’ll be such a champ, that as soon as your voice starts to get nasal, he’ll immediately do whatever you want just to get you to shut it up!

You say you are dressing sexy to get his attention. Well, here’s the thing. If you’re dressing like a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, then I can guarantee you that you’re getting the attention of everyone on the street! Isn’t it ironic, then, that the one who you’re dressing sexy for is the only one that seems to be immune to your efforts?

Actually, it makes perfect sense.

I’ll let you in on a little secret about men. It’s so secret, in fact, that most men don’t consciously realize it. Men like exclusivity. Remember this well. A man, especially a married man, wants his little woman all to himself. He may have no problem staring at other women, but in his mind, his woman should only belong to him.

Call it chauvinistic, barbaric, archaic, caveman-brain, ape-ish, whatever. You’re right. But that’s just how they’re wired.

When you run around on the street, advertising all of your goods to total strangers, what happens to your exclusivity value? It, like, instantly disappears, man! Once you turn yourself into a walking billboard  you’ve lost all of your exclusivity. Now, you’re everyone’s woman, and guess what – hubby don’t play dat.

Once you lose your exclusivity, in your husband’s mind, you’ve cheapened yourself. He doesn’t understand it himself, but deep down, he and all men have the same thought: no one respects, cherishes, or admires a cheap woman.

You want your husband to love you and cherish you? Then cover up when you go outside! Don’t advertise your goods to the world! Have some self-respect and treat your body as the holy creation that it is!

Let me be clear about something, Ilana. Self-confidence is not the same thing as self-respect. A classy woman respects her body enough to realize that no one deserves to see any part of her that is more private. Why should a perfect stranger get to eye you like a piece of juicy rib-eye steak? What has he done to deserve such a privilege?

There is nothing wrong with feeling confident about yourself. This is a wonderful thing. But don’t confuse it with feeling the need to broadcast your chest size to the world! Young women today have no idea what it means to have self-respect! They walk around half-naked, exposing all of their imperfections for everyone to ogle, be jealous of, or laugh at, and for what purpose? What do women accomplish by dressing this way?

Ilana, I am advising you to reclaim your holy body exclusively for yourself and your husband alone. Stop dressing like you belong at a “gentlemen’s” club, and I am sure your husband will immediately begin to take notice of your beauty all over again! Remember: men like cheap women, but they love classy women.

Read Women’s Wisdom, a wonderful guide to revealing your full potential as a woman. I would also recommend that your husband read The Garden of Purity, Rav Arush’s guide to guarding his eyes.