Food Envy

There is a strange phenomenon going on in my family. But before I tell you what the phenomenon is, I have to tell you what’s causing it to happen. You see, my husband is on some kind of uber-exclusive diet. He doesn’t eat what my kids and I eat. It’s been this way since I can remember, and I gotta say it’s terribly frustrating and annoying. On top of that, I never, in all of his years of dieting, noticed when he lost weight. That sounds terrible, right? But here’s the plus side- I never notice when he gains weight, either.

Here’s an example of his diet. He won’t eat rice during the week, so if I make grilled chicken breast, he puts it in a corn tortilla. Yup, GMO corn loaded with pesticides in the kernels is much healthier than basmati rice. If I make pasta, that’s practically kryptonite for my Superman, so of course he won’t touch it – even though it’s gluten-free pasta I make! So what if it’s 800 calories a serving?

He makes egg white omelettes, which drives me crazy – especially when I’m the one that has to crack the eggs. I keep telling him that egg yolks do not cause high cholesterol, but he keeps ignoring me. Did you just get the shock of your life? Just wait – finding out that egg yolks don’t raise cholesterol will be nothing compared to finding out that one of the leaders of your country is actually an ISIS-loving transgender alien from Planet X. Speaking of Planet X, isn’t it supposed to hit Earth any minute now? I’m getting tired of waiting.

As a result of trying many different diets, my creative husband has invented many different dishes. One of his classics is his hummus, sliced pickle, low fat sliced cheese, and sriracha sauce sandwiches on corn crackers. That sounds absolutely disgusting, but they’re surprisingly good!

How do I know they’re good? Because I just had to taste it, because it looked so gross. Does that make any sense? And that leads me to this phenomenon that’s going on in our house. For some reason, everything my husband makes suddenly becomes the most appetizing food the minute he sits down to eat.

My little boyfriend, who’s 2 ½ already, is usually the first one to slide over next to Abba so he can scope out his food. Now, I can’t forget to mention that my husband is Iraqi by marriage, so everything he eats has a ton of schug (spicy sauce of Yemenite origin) on it. But that doesn’t stop my little one from demanding to try a bite of the mystery mixture. If he doesn’t spit it out because it’s too spicy, he ends up eating half the plate.

All of the kids, except for one, do this. As soon as my husband makes something to eat, they all end up crowding around him like little chickies with their mouths open, hoping to get some of his gourmet madness. I, of course, wouldn’t stoop so low. I don’t wait until he brings the food to the table. I try to steal his food while he’s still in the kitchen making it!

When he catches me eyeing him, he always responds with the same combination of amusement and disbelief. “Why are you staring at my food? You just ate dinner!” he tells me. “I’m just looking to see what you’re making,” I answer, as I try not to drool on his food. “All of a sudden, I’m hungry again.”

Ah, ha! That’s the problem! I was just fine with what I ate, but as soon as I saw his leftover salmon, hummus, and lettuce creation (with schug, of course,) I just had to get me some.

I seem to be suffering from extreme food envy. Maybe I should talk to Dr. Zev, our psychiatrist, about it.

But, really, this isn’t a psychological issue. It’s a spiritual issue. Food envy, just like any other type of envy, is a sign that we’re not completely happy with what we’ve got on our plate, so to speak. If we’re jealous of someone else and we’re wondering why we don’t have what they have, this means we’re lacking in our emuna. Jealousy and emuna have an inverse relationship, you see. More jealousy = less emuna. Brilliant. Seriously brilliant.

It’s totally okay to want more. There’s nothing wrong with asking Hashem for whatever you want, as long as you’re asking for the right reasons. For example, I can ask Hashem for a nice, comfortable car. But can I ask Him for a Bentley because I see half of Miami driving around in one? I’m not sure what the right reasons for having a Bentley would be, but if you happen to think of any, please email me asap.

But, if you want something because you envy someone else, and therefore you suddenly feel that you need it, this usually isn’t the right reason to ask Hashem for it. So here are two cures for jealousy, free of charge. First, guard your eyes. If you don’t see it, you don’t want it. That also goes for looking at immodestly dressed women and gorgeous, jaw-dropping diamond necklaces from Cartier. Second, strengthen your emuna! Ask Hashem to help you be happy with what you have. Once you are content with what He gave you, He will be happy to give you more! But the rule is that you must first be thankful for everything you have at this moment.

Now, I said that these tips came at no charge… but, if you want to donate to my Tahitian vacation fund, email me and I’ll give you my Paypal info. Until then, I’m going to be happy as I work on my farmer’s tan in my fancy reclining chair on my balcony.

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Feel free to send Racheli your questions, particularly in the areas of marriage, dating, child-rearing and women's role; write her at racheli@breslev.co.il