Innocent as Charged

It's not easy to break the chains of a childhood script. If you were blessed to grow up in a loving home with parents who were emotionally nurturing, you will have an easier time seeing God as a loving parent who is on your side.

If on the other hand you were raised in a critical or abusive atmosphere, you may have a harder time trusting Hashem.

I have clients who as children got the distinct feeling that they were not up to par. They weren't smart enough or diligent enough or obedient; not gorgeous, not personable, not considerate, not a star. These clients never felt appreciated, cherished or respected. And if they were, it was never made known to them.

I work with one woman who is so handicapped with guilt she cannot make a rational decision, take a compliment or relax on the couch.

She lives in fear of what the neighbors will think, what her spouse will feel and what her mother will say.

If you weren't the nachas machine your parents were expecting, how can you ever believe that Hashem is pleased with you?

People with low self-image are afraid to do a spiritual accounting; it becomes an exercise in masochism and they are sucked into a shame spiral so intense it's paralyzing.

Having “failed” as children, it's difficult to believe in one's intrinsic worth.

In addition, being raised by violent parents can wreak havoc with the concept that Hashem is merciful and kind, that He prefers to erase our misdeeds rather than zoom in and destroy. Hashem is Mental Health, Inc. He doesn't need His children to fulfill His unmet needs or to provide Him the accomplishments He Himself lacks.

With His help you can cure yourself from your negative self-image. You can create the loving environment you've been yearning for.

Build the marriage your parents didn't! Be the mother you never had!

Hashem gives us personal circumstances that poke at our sore spots. We can use these situations to examine and dismantle preconceived ideas. The demands of our children can scare us into wondering if we have what it takes to raise them in a way we weren't. We may need guidance. That's fine. Getting real help is courageous and praise-worthy.

My client's mother was a difficult person who never mastered the art of being happy. She therefore made it her children’s job to provide her with self-worth by constantly feeding her the feeling that she was needed, wanted and admired. Her advice was continually sought after, by every one of her kids, married or single. They kept her entertained, bought lavish gifts and informed her immediately of any family politics.

Any need for privacy, any chore undone or any “selfish” act was considered treason by this needy mother. Autonomy was strongly discouraged and independence was interpreted as betrayal.

Now, many years later, my client is learning to let go of the role of Miss Happiness Provider. She is learning that her husband and children are responsible for their own states of mind. It is not “always” her fault or her problem if her husband is a little tense or the kids are bored. She doesn't have to be the house entertainer, her husband's therapist or the kids’ punching bag. If the house is untidy it doesn't mean she's a failure, if dinner is late it doesn't mean she's a mess. But her constant self-criticism is zapping her of energy and her vitality for life. Instead of enjoying her family she resents them for “making her feel guilty.” For not allowing her to ”have a life”. Yet she's the one doing it to herself.

This woman needs to understand that she was created with love and her personality was carefully tailored by God to suit her spiritual quest. Feeling guilty all the time is hampering the evolution of who she really is. The ability to see our good points, to be patient and to trust Hashem is the ticket out of the Hell of Shame.

What could be more painful to a loving parent than a son who constantly puts himself down; a daughter who can't enjoy life and all its blessings? God is that loving parent. Let's work hard to believe it.

Hashem delights in our goodness. He is pleased with every effort we make to improve and to come closer to Him. He wants us to emulate Him and be kind to ourselves. And remember that old saying, “God doesn't make junk.”

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Rebbitzen Yehudit Channen began her career as a Crisis Intervention Counselor in Silver Spring, Md. in the seventies. After moving to Israel, she worked as a marital mediator and social skills instructor for kids. Following the death of a son, Rebbitzen Channen became a certified bereavement counselor and worked with young mothers who had suffered loss. Most recently she worked at the Melabev Center for the memory-impaired, as an activity director and group facilitator for families coping with Dementia.  The Rebbitzen has written for numerous magazines and newspapers and recently led an interactive creative writing course called Connective Writing. Yehudit Channen is the wife of Rabbi Don Channen, Rosh Yeshiva of Keter HaTorah.  They are blessed to have nine children and many grandchildren and live in Ramat Beit Shemesh. Today, Rebbitzen Yehudit Channen is a certified Emuna Therapist for Breslev Israel. You can set up an appointment with her by contacting staff@breslev.co.il