Iraqi Eyes

Dear Racheli,

I’ve been dating a guy for the past six months, and he wants to get married. I’m a little bit apprehensive, because I don’t feel like I know him well enough. I thought it would be a good idea for us to live together for a year, and see how things go from there. After all, marriage is a big commitment. He doesn’t want to wait because he wants to start a family. We’re both 33. I’m not sure what to do…

Danielle

Hi Danielle!

Before I address your question, I’ll tell you a story about me. A month after my husband and I married, we embarked on our honeymoon to England and Israel. Actually, England was more of a 1-day stopover, and you know what? I’m going to start with England.

My husband and I dated for 1 ½ years before we got married. So I obviously thought I knew the guy pretty well. Here’s what happened. Our honeymoon was in January, and as you can imagine, it was bitter freezing cold in England. I don’t quite remember why, but we arrived at the airport at around midnight. Our bags decided not to show up for over an hour, and the lines for the taxi were at least another half hour long. I think there was a snowstorm.

Anyhow, the airport was freeeeeezing, and there was a coffee shop open. I walked over and tried to figure out the prices. As my husband had traveled a lot for business in England, he already knew the dollar to pound ratio, and quickly stopped me in my tracks. “Do you know how expensive this coffee is?” he asked me.

My heart almost stopped beating, G-d forbid. “What?!” I turned to stare at him with my mouth open in shock. “I’m freezing! Don’t you care??” In all honesty, I can’t remember if I got myself a coffee in the end, but I do remember suffering with the realization that OMG, my husband is such a cheapskate!

Wait, Danielle – it gets worse! I think at around 3 AM we get to the very fancy hotel that my husband used his airline miles for (G-d forbid he would actually pay for it,) and the concierge offered to send us a hot chocolate to the room. “They’re going to charge us a fortune for that,” Cheapy muttered under his breath. “I’ll take the hot chocolate, thank you so much,” I politely told the concierge, while trying to kick hubby in the shin for his nauseating cheapness.

Let’s just say that the rest of the night wasn’t so romantic.

A few days later, we’re still married (miraculously,) and we’re in Tzfat, an amazing and ancient city in Northern Israel. We were eating an incredible breakfast in a gorgeous hotel that looked like it was built in the Medieval ages. All of a sudden, in between bites, hubby says to me, “You know, one day I’d like to live in Israel.”

The thoughts in my head screeched to a halt as I bit my tongue mid-chew. “Say wha’?!” My eyes began bugging out of my head in shock and pain. I stared at him so hard that I could have burned a hole right through his forehead. “There is no way in Gehinnom that I am ever, EVER moving to Israel. IS THAT CLEAR, SON!” I barked at him. You know, I really believe that I was a high-ranking officer in the army in a past life.

People turned to stare at the couple that had just ruined their relaxing breakfast. I also turned around, looking over my shoulder this way and that, pretending to try and figure out who that obnoxiously loud couple was. I had a feeling that at the very same moment, both of us were wondering: who the heck did I marry?? To this day, 13 years later, my husband is still traumatized by the Iraqi Eyes. They make his knees quiver. Now, when he sees the Iraqi Eyes about to come out, he knows to back off or else.

So you see, Danielle, the point I’m trying to make is that you never really know who you’re marrying. You can live very nicely together for 15 years, and then get married and divorced a year later. It happens all the time.

Marriage, aside from being an actual commitment, which people are deathly afraid of these days, is like spiritual surgery. Although you may be two separate bodies, your souls are now fused, and now you’ve got to work together to figure out how to operate the new and improved GMO-monster that you and your husband have morphed into.

Bottom line: marriage changes who we are, and brings out the best and worst in us. It’s also the only real opportunity to put your spouse’s (and hopefully children’s) needs before your own. Why is this so important? Because marriage teaches us what love is all about.

Compromise, putting your ego down, doing things that you don’t want to do but you’ll do them because it makes your spouse happy, working on your bad character traits, etc., are all things that can only really be learned in a marriage. A couple that lives together without being married always knows in the back of their minds that there is an easy out, and this is, in my mind, one of the reasons they don’t argue as much. They don’t have that feeling of being stuck in the relationship for the rest of their lives. That sounds so terribly depressing.

Here’s another thing: you’ve got to decide up front if you both are on the same page regarding lifestyle, religious observance, child raising, etc. If you don’t find out these things now, you may suffer from very painful arguments later. Take care of this ASAP.

So if the guy is relatively normal and doesn’t have any major psychological issues that need urgent attention, and you both want the same things out of life, then why not get married? You certainly aren’t getting any younger, my dear!

Best Wishes,

Racheli