My Cheap Husband

Dear Racheli,

I just had such a big fight with my husband. Of course, it was about money. We fight a lot about money. It seems like he’s always telling me that whatever I ask him to buy me is just too expensive. I think I’m pretty reasonable and don’t ask for things that are way beyond our budget. But I’m getting very resentful because of his cheapness. What can I do?

Dalia

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Dalia,

Welcome to the club! Have you ever met a couple that doesn’t fight about money? Girl, I think that it’s just the way Hashem programmed us. Husbands are cheap by nature, and wives have eyes that are exponentially bigger than our bank accounts – unless your bank account ends in 8 or 9 zeros. In that case, I would say, “Share the love, sister!”

Honestly, even if a couple is super-duper wealthy, believe me, they still fight about money. Yes, money is just one of those things that is a very touchy and complicated subject; right along with politics and deciding on whose turn it is to change the baby’s diaper. In such cases, many couples simply can’t agree.

Dalia, I want you to realize that you’re not actually fighting about money. Money, though a very physical tool, is full of mental and emotional symbolism as well. Money means power, greed, arrogance, control, sharing, compassion, and even love, among other things that I can’t think of at the moment.

I can’t tell you exactly what dynamics are going on in your relationship, but I can tell you a little about the way I look at money. I have a feeling that there are others that think like me.

I equate money with love. It took me a long time to realize that, and I don’t think it’s a good thing, but I haven’t yet gotten over it. Since I didn’t get enough emotional love and attention, the things that I received from my parents somehow became symbolic of their love for me, because that’s just how I viewed things as a kid. Just an FYI – not every kid needs the same level of love and attention. Some just happen to be more emotionally needy than others, and parents usually are able to pick up on which kids are which.

Now I’m not saying that they didn’t show me love at all, but for whatever reason, this is the connection that my young mind made. So, if my husband refuses to buy me something, I just pull out the ol’ “Oh, you don’t love me?!” card. Actually, I should say “refused” because I’ve put the fear of death in dear hubby if he even starts to mouth the word “no.”

Okay, I admit. I keep a whip in my closet. You know, the kind with bamboo spikes on the end that dig into the skin. Really.

Assuming you’re telling the truth and not requesting things that are way beyond what your lifestyle can handle, then it could be that the very essence of your argument is about your need to feel special and cared about. This is totally normal, and it’s such a shame that men still don’t get this very simple concept. I don’t understand why. I mean, after all those billions of years of evolving from monkeys, why didn’t men develop the gene that makes them understand women’s emotions?

I’ll tell you why: because men will never, ever be able to understand women. EVER! We’re just too advanced of a species for them, my dear. Sometimes I wonder why we put up with them at all. I mean, don’t we do most of the work in the family? Could you imagine if a man had to hold down a job and take care of his house and family? Ha! He’d either be addicted to some serious drugs or jumping off the nearest cliff.

Yes, I’m aware that there are many single dads who actually do what I just wrote. To them I say KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK! These men are the pride and joy of the male species, and I greatly admire them. (Between you and me, I think they’ve been genetically modified to become superhuman, hence their woman-like capacities for juggling insane amounts of workloads at the same time.)

Dalia, I hope my man-bashing hasn’t distracted you from the point I’m trying to get across: men look at money in a strictly practical sense, and women tend to connect money with emotions. Therefore, you need to do two things. First, tell your husband how he’s making you feel when he refuses to buy you something. If you feel hurt, resentful, whatever, tell him that. I promise, he has no idea that he’s making you feel this way.

But please, when you tell him, don’t attack him! As impossible as it is, don’t put him on the defensive, or he’ll never get your message! All he’ll see is a nagging wife mouthing unintelligible words at him in slow motion with that really low manly slow-motion voice, because he’s totally tuned you out and is now just enjoying how silly you look yelling at him in super slooooowwwwww motionnnnnnnnn.

Tell him that you need him to make you feel that you’re worth spending extra money on, even if it’s more than he’s comfortable with. Sorry guys, but that’s just the way it is. In fact, it’s halacha! You’re actually supposed to spend more on your wife than you can afford. Go figure! It isn’t a total loss – you see, a happy wife opens the channels for divine abundance. Isn’t the Torah the best?!

Second, get hubby a copy of The Garden of Peace, pronto! He needs to learn from the master of happy marriages exactly what it takes to have a happy marriage. And I promise you – if he reads this book, your marriage will be so awesome, you’ll think you’re married to an imposter!

Every Blessing,

Racheli