My Girlfriend’s Pregnant

Dear Racheli,

A few months ago, while on vacation, I was seeing a wonderful girl. We really connected, and well, one thing led to another and now I found out that she’s expecting. We’re both 33 and both Jewish, but I live across the country from her and wasn’t ready to get married. She’s not sure if she wants to either. Even though we talk every day, we seem to argue a lot. Our parents are furious, and I’m totally confused!

Aaron

OMG, Aaron, you are in quite the quagmire! (Google it.) Your question is so loaded, I could answer you in a novel, and it still might not be enough. Let’s start by focusing on you. Hold on to your stomach, ‘cause it’s about to get a beating. But I’m doing this for your best, I promise!

You’re 33. Do you work? Do you have some purpose in your life, aside from the usual hanging out with your buddies and watching football? Did you ever think about the future? After all, at 33 you’re no spring chicken, even though most people don’t get married until they feel like they’ve had enough fun in their lives and are ready to settle down to a boring life with the same ‘ol, same ‘ol, and maybe throw in a kid or two. And a dog.

You see, Aaron, your problem is that you live in a generation that’s generally going nowhere. Yes, many people these days might have fabulous careers and glamorous-looking lives. But how many are happy? And how many can really afford the fancy BMW’s and cocktails every night? I would bet that a lot of these people look all shiny and happy on the outside, but they’re really empty inside.

Once the weekend is over, who do you go home to? A pet? A roommate? Your parents? Oy! Oh, right! There are plenty of couples that live together without being married. Let’s talk about that.

Yes, they seem to have great relationships – that is, until they break up. People that live together are fooling themselves and wasting their time. If you’re already living together, why not just get married and make your relationship legitimate? And don’t get me started about people living together who think that marriage isn’t a necessary and healthy part of life. Let’s just say I don’t agree with these people.

Basically, if you were to move across the country and live with this girl without getting married, you’ll always feel that you have an easy out. This feeling might very likely work against you, because you won’t feel 100% committed to making the relationship work. Once you’re married, you are forced to take your relationship more seriously. As you very well know, divorce is no walk in the park.

This generation has a problem with growing up and looking beyond themselves. In my opinion, this generation should be re-named Generation S, for Selfish. It’s amazing how self-centered we are.

Newsflash, Aaron. Love is not: “How can this person fulfill my needs?” It’s: “How can I fulfill my other half’s needs?”  We’ve got it all backwards. Expecting a Hollywood romance only leads to disappointment. Real life isn’t that way. Real relationships take compromise, hard work, putting your wants aside for your spouse’s, etc. When you don’t have the commitment of marriage as a superglue that holds the two of you together, your relationship will fall apart much easier. And that wouldn’t be fair to your future child.

Aaron, I’m not going to get into the whole premarital relations speech. I assume you are aware of what the Torah says about it, and I’m not your mother, so it’s not my job to annoy you. But, from this moment on, you can certainly make your relationship kosher.

You’re both Jewish. You’re both the same age. You obviously are attracted to one another. You are expecting a child together. So why not get married? Now, you finally have an opportunity to grow up and learn what life is all about!

You will learn about unconditional love, caring for another, the unbelievable love you will have for your child, and you will also learn about spiritual growth! As a future father and husband, you are going to be faced with real life situations that are much more important than deciding about where you’re going to go out for dinner. Bringing another soul into this world requires a parent to have an understanding of what life is all about.

Unfortunately, since so many parents don’t know themselves, they end up raising children that grow up with no sense of direction and connection to anything in life. How many parents and kids can tell you that they know about God, or why they were put on this Earth?

I think it’s so sad that so many people are wandering through life without a clue as to what they’re doing here in the first place. But now, Aaron, you have a chance to learn! God is giving you a wonderful chance to get to know Him and to figure out your purpose in life! The best part is that you can give this gift to your future wife and your child, who will depend on you for guidance in all matters, materially and spiritually.

Here’s my suggestion: Read The Garden of Emuna, The Garden of Peace, and Education with Love. These are three books that will be your best friends and your spiritual guides for the rest of your life. Decide on where you want to live with your girlfriend, and get married! Give this baby and your future 100% effort.

Aaron, I am certain that if you use these books as your spiritual lifeline for personal growth, you will find your future to be more rewarding and fulfilling than you could have ever imagined!

Warmest Blessings, Racheli