Prayers People Pray

I just don’t get G-d. At times I am flat out flummoxed by what He wants from me. Trying to figure it out can twist me into a jumpy, obsessive thinking, emuna- lacking insomniac. This is one of those times.

My daughter was recently offered a shidduch (match). This doesn’t happen very often because she doesn’t enjoy going to matchmakers. Not at all. My daughter has a defibrillator-implant and it’s not easy finding a marriage prospect who is okay with that. Many times if they are okay with that, it is because they have something even bigger to cope with that usually frightens off my daughter. It’s a tough situation. And I blame no one. Anyway, we don’t get many offers for her, although we did get one last week which was a real mental and spiritual exercise in I’m not sure what. Well, obviously emuna.

But as I explain to G-d from time to time when I am really frustrated, “You are G-d and I am an idiot. I have no idea what you want from me.”

At those times, when I feel powerless and frozen, I start thinking of Dr. Seuss (whose books I read often to my grand-kids): I picture a little me plopped down in a tiny chair, staring blankly out the window on a cold, cold wet day. “All I can do is to sit-sit-sit-sit. And I do not like it. Not one little bit!”

The young man my daughter’s friend wants to set her up with, is a former criminal and drug addict.

Today this young man is supposedly doing very well. He has a good job and continues his involvement in twelve-step groups. He grew up in a religious home, is nice-looking, supposedly very friendly, spiritual and sincere. Hmm…….

And here is how my mind works:

What a ridiculous notion! This is absurd! How have we come to such a point that I would even consider letting my daughter go out with a former drug addict! Forget it! I am out of my mind to even ponder such a thing.

Maybe he’s the one.

Paralysis is the lack of ability to look at things in the opposite way. This young man could be an exceptional person who overcame his suffering and put his life back together. I believe in teshuva, I believe that people can change. We all get another chance.  Many recovered addicts know the saying that G-d stands for grow or die.

In many of the Dr. Seuss tales I read my grand-kids, there comes a moment when reason and action assert themselves. Instead of being a passive character who stands by and watches other people make the decisions, the main character gathers his courage and steps up to bat.

Two intimidated kids confront The Cat in the Hat, Horton the elephant refuses to abandon his egg, and Thidwick the goodhearted moose stops being a doormat for his guests.

The aha moment arrives and the former weakling becomes bold and insistent. I am waiting for my moment. Soon I will take some sort of heroic affirmative action, perhaps make coffee, call my sister, cry or surf the net. I will then talk to my husband and make him crazy with all the pros and cons concerning this suggested match, my analyzing ad nauseum and my agonizing. Then with Hashem’s help, I will become proactive. I will call our Rav, maybe contact the young man’s boss, mentor or friend.  Maybe I’ll drop the whole thing.  In the meantime, however, I will do the first thing that comes to mind when I’m bewildered:

When everyone’s out of the house for the day

I will sit in my chair

I will pray-pray-pray-pray

I will pray for good guidance, protection and smarts

I will pray that Hashem brings together two hearts

That are meant for each other, in goodness and health

In candor and truth, without gossip or stealth

Fear of G-d is what matters

Not honor, not wealth

Please prevent us from mishaps, mistakes and bad choices

Answer our prayers and take heed of our voices

Send my daughter her soulmate, a good man who is stable

Who is kind and knows how to put food on the table

He has to be someone who loves YOU most dearly

And remove my confusion, so I can think clearly

You have thrown me some twists and some turns in my life

Could you now help my daughter become someone’s wife?

I meant what I prayed and I prayed what I meant

Please answer my prayers, Hashem, one hundred per cent!