The Almost Model Husband

“What’s wrong with me?” asked Randi. “I have the best husband in the world. Why don’t I desire him anymore? Is it my age? Is it my hormones? What’s going on? I love my husband dearly but I cringe when he comes near me. Is this what happens in a marriage? What can I do?

In every other way Steve is a wonderful husband. He is thoughtful, generous, helpful, complimentary, and fun – just not in one respect. In this one respect, Steve seems to Randi to be just the opposite of his usual sweet self. If he doesn’t get what he wants, he becomes sullen and critical.  He says it’s not fair because he works so hard and gives her so much. He blames her for not loving him enough and attempts to “reassure” her by implying that he is a good husband because he has resisted the “options” that other men take.

Remember – Steve is a great guy – he truly is. In every other respect he is the model husband that Randi wanted and she knows it. So why doesn’t Steve see what he’s doing to his wife? Why doesn’t he see that these conversations are sending his wife even further away from him? How can a bright guy like Steve not know that his wife is literally nauseous at the thought of being with him; that his blaming her for his sins with himself is not exactly putting her in the mood?

The answer is because Steve grew up in a culture devoid of Torah values. To Steve it makes perfect sense that his wife should want to help him to relax and de-stress after a long day – even several times a day if necessary.  It’s because he never learned what this act between couples actually is and what it isn’t. It’s because Steve doesn’t yet know how Torah observant couples behave towards each other; and that it has nothing to do with what couples outside of Torah are doing.

When Steve started learning the truth about this subject, he practically got it right away. He realized that this was his problem and not his wife’s. He understood that G-d doesn’t want him to overuse this holy deed for personal stress management, and that there are much better ways to reduce his stress and re-channel his energy than turning his wife into exercise machine. Steve now sees that his wife still desires him very much when he comes to give and not to take.

Many “problems” that I see between men and women are completely reversible. A majority of today’s marital conflicts result from a lack of knowledge. Isn’t it understandable that good people who were given false information about life could fall into difficulties after getting married? Even under the best of circumstances, maintaining a good marital relationship is one of the most challenging aspects of life. If people didn’t have the opportunity to internalize Torah values earlier in life, how can we expect them to succeed in marriage? They need the right tools to help them. Thank G-d more and more couples are seeking solutions where real solutions can be found – in Torah and emuna. Those who are working on themselves see that a marriage based on the truth is literally paradise on earth.