The Shopaholic

Dear Racheli,

My wife is a crazed shopaholic! No matter how much she buys, it never seems to be enough. It’s adding tremendous stress to my life, since I am the sole provider for the family. We end up fighting over the finances a lot. I am trying to stick to our budget, and she just blows the budget out the door. How can I get her to stop shopping so much?

Abe

Abe,

Have you ever met a woman who doesn’t like to shop? It’s in our DNA – there’s no way of fixing that.

Seriously, though, there’s something beneath the surface that’s going on, and it has nothing to do with shopping.

Let’s look at what you think is going on, and then we’ll look at what’s really going on.

In your mind, you’re trying to live responsibly. You’re working hard, watching every penny you spend, and trying to have some savings in the bank for the kids’ future. On the other hand, you’re watching in helpless frustration as your wife, who doesn’t work, takes all of your earnings and blows them on a ridiculously expensive pair of shoes that she’ll probably wear once in the coming year. You feel she doesn’t appreciate your efforts and that she’s being irresponsible and inconsiderate.

You also feel that, as the only one working, you have every right to be like the Budget Police and do your best to control your wife’s spending. So you really give it to her when she buys things that are impractical and too expensive. I mean, it’s not your fault she gets upset when you tell her you’re going to take the credit cards away! She’s the one being unfair! Right?

Now let’s see what’s really happening here.

In case you haven’t figured it out yet, shopping is like a drug for women. We get a high from it. The more expensive the purchase, the bigger the high. Let me give you an example of how women in Miami Beach shop.

There’s a mall called Bal Harbour, which is like the Rodeo Drive of Miami. Needless to say, I haven’t spent much time there since the stores are a few zero’s beyond my (husband’s) spending capabilities. Trust me, if Monopoly Money were accepted, I would have been their best customer!

Anyway, I usually went there when they had good sales on makeup- not that I actually wore it that much! I mean, I barely had time to eat in the morning before getting my kids off to school! Nonetheless, I couldn’t resist a good bargain, so I bought the makeup.

Well, let me tell you, Abe, there are few things more enjoyable for a woman than buying makeup – especially in Bal Harbour. Those salesmen know how to treat a lady! Oops, the secret’s out- it’s so fun to buy makeup from a guy! Anyways, these men practically fall on the floor with the compliments they dish out: “Oh, honey, you look just fabulous! Just look at those gorgeous eyes!” Few women can resist melting at such compliments, even if they’re totally fake and done because the guy wants to make a good commission.

Next thing I realize, I’m walking out with $100 worth of makeup I didn’t want or need, but, boy, did I feel good!

Do you see what I’m getting at, Abe?

Your wife is using her shopping to fill a void. What is that void?

It’s the attention she’s not getting from you.

If you really focus on giving her the love and attention she needs, she won’t feel the need to fill her heart and closet with 4-inch heels. It’s her way of showing you that she misses you.

I understand that you’re under tremendous pressure, with expenses rising each year and your boss on your jugular. However, you made a promise when you got married – to make your wife Number One on your list.

Take a few minutes each night, after the kids go to sleep, and sit on the couch with her. Ask her how her day was. Give her a hug and tell her you love her. That’s what she needs. You’ll see that before you know it, her spending will go way down and your marital peace will go way up.

I highly recommend that you read Rav Shalom Arush’s “The Garden of Peace” and listen to Rav Lazer Brody’s “First  Place”. You both envisioned happily-ever-after when you got married; here’s how to get it.

All the best, Racheli